Signs, Lessons and Roundabouts

Life is grand… everything is going along exactly as I had hoped and planned. I am kicking goals and ticking boxes left, right and centre. It has been so much growth in such a short time, and this week I stepped it up a notch again. I signed with a mentor that will push me and help me fill the gaps in my business knowledge. I was asked to join a social therapy group team and I ran my first solo workshop.

However in the back of my mind, I am acutely aware at this point in time I am scared, no TERRIFIED, of my greatness.

I see an amazing Kinesiologist. One of my many mentors and teachers. She came to see me as a client and had a great session but what she said to me after resonated as I knew it was the truth. She commented that she could FEEL I was shielding some of my light. Like I was holding back. Not completely stepping into my power. A theme that has run through my life.

Up until recently I, like many, was comfortable living in victim mentality. Where life just happens to us and we really don’t have any control over our outer circumstances and how we think and behave. But lately it hasn’t been enough for me anymore and I have thrown myself into life where I am creating the reality that lights me up.

That being said, the rest of your life, patterns and experiences don’t just disappear and today it all welled up. All the what ifs. What if I am not good enough? What if I fail? What if I succeed but nobody I love is ok with my new life? Why is it so hard for me? Why does everyone else seem to get it easy?

It is amazing the bullshit that we throw into the mix when we are bashing ourselves up.

So reluctantly, I took myself out of the house to go to a coffee date I had organised many weeks ago. My first ever client, now friend, that was my guinea pig for my Super Soul Sessions. Two seconds in she could see I wasn’t myself and honestly I wasn’t doing a great job of pretending otherwise. Despite the fact we are now friends, I still put all these expectations on myself as to how I “should” behave in front of her.

But I was in it and as unbelievably uncomfortable as it made me, the self proclaimed “fixer” in the dynamic, I wasn’t in a space to pull myself up. So she whisked me out the cafe door to go and find nature.

As we walked along and she made small talk as I gave nothing back, she stopped and began to chuckle. I looked up. “You’re fucking kidding me!” I proclaimed.

There right in the window of a random store on the side of the road was a giant rug. In coloured writing it simply said “Open Up Your Heart”.  “Well I have to say, you always get such clear signs from the universe Michelle” she said.

Well that was it. I began to cry. We walked a little further until my tears turned into sobs and I sat myself down on a tram stop bench. She sat next to me as I lent over and cried on her shoulder.

We sat in silence for a bit. Then as if I was sitting with Yoda, she began to speak.

“You know your intuition is quite remarkable Michelle. You sat yourself down in front of a building site. Look at all the big signs right in front of you! It is so relevant!”

We began to laugh. The signs were like “Take care – deep excavation in progress” “Safety Gear Required At All Times” & “Under Construction” – These signs were like a metaphor for my life right now.

As we giggled and sat with the sun on our faces the wisdom and beautiful insights poured out of her. And as I sat there and lapped up all the golden insights and different perspectives on how my journey is going, the resounding feeling was gratitude. Gratitude for her. Gratitude for the words. Gratitude for the lessons. Gratitude for my humaness.

Regardless of who you are, your title, your role in the dynamic or whatever other labels or boxes you put around yourself. You are having a human experience. And every single one of us is capable of teaching all the rest of us a thing or two.

When you allow yourself to open and be your authentic self, the lessons flow your way thick and fast and all those empty spaces no longer seem so dark and vast.

Be open to connecting and learning. Always. Every single soul has some beautiful wisdom to bring to the world that could in a second, change yours.

Love and light

Michelle xxx

Overcoming Life Sucking Fear

For most of us, fear rules our day to day lives. It is why we go to the jobs that we hate that don’t fulfil us. It is why we don’t tell our partners what we really want to say about what we need emotionally, spiritually, sexually, financially. It is why we continue the same old dynamics with our family members that leave us feeling frustrated and misunderstood. It is why we agree with our friends opinions out loud but not really in our guts, hearts and minds. It is why we attend things and do things that we actually don’t want to do. Or say things we don’t really believe. It is why most of us go into many day to day situations pretending to be anyone other than our true authentic selves.

Have you ever sat there and asked yourself why you do these things? Why you avoid the tricky conversations? Why you avoid standing up for yourself and imposing some healthy boundaries around your own personal needs and wants? Have you asked yourself if failure, rejection or change would actually kill you? Or why and when you decided that you didn’t matter enough to be heard, seen, loved and held exactly as you are? Or why you feel you are unworthy of living a life you actually passionatley desire to live?

So many of us struggle along in silence. Ticking the perceived needed boxes of what a majority of us call our lives. Relationship…Job…Social Status…Mortgage…Cars.. Counting down the days and minutes we get to clock off work. Leave the family to go see friends. Go on holidays. End the week. End the relationship. Find a relationship. Earn that money.

The “I’ll be happy when …” syndrome.

What if none of that stuff actually meant anything to you in your heart of hearts but you never actually took the time to ask yourself what it is that you do want and need in order to be truly fulfilled?

Susan Jeffers, author of international best seller, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway; gives the below list of examples of signs that can bring  our attention to what scenarios of our lives we are giving away our power and not taking responsibility of our own empowered option of choice.

Feelings of: anger, impatience, upset, joylessness, fatigue, blaming others, pain, attempting to control others, lack of focus, obsessiveness, self-pity, addictions, envy, judgmentalness, helplessness, disappointment, constant state of limbo, jealousy.

Are you feeling any of these in your daily existence? Be honest with yourself. It is actually exciting if you recognise it. Then you’re prime for growth and change. Well done you!!

I fucking jumped this year. Backed myself. I dove head first into an existence I didn’t even perceive to be possible until I started following my gut. Into my real passion and what drives me and what lights me up. The world of coaching, energy work and helping empower people to understand, heal and nourish themselves. And although I am growing exponentially as a practitioner and as a person I’d be lying if I didn’t say I still deal with fears on a daily basis. However I push through. Despite the ability for me to be even more rejected, have more chances to fail,  be judged, ridiculed and misunderstood more than I ever encountered inside the box that many know as comfortable, what allows me to say fuck the fear and do it anyway?

What do I think are some key elements to stepping into this type of courage as opposed to staying stuck in a life of paralysed fear and partial living.

  1. CLARITY: This does not mean a strict 5 year plan. Ha! I would run from that! I mean find something that lights you up! What does everyone always comment you are good at? Whats the activity or thing you do that helps you forget about all the bs in life? For me, I am clear on what I want and that is what I am going after. For me this clarity is in my chosen career. Life is a journey made up of many facets. Right now I am so clear on what brings me happiness and joy which is my chosen profession and personal growth journey and that is what I am focused on. Conversely in terms of relationships I am still unsure of exactly what I need and want so I have freed myself up to grow outside of that in something I am passionate about. Rather than doing what many of us do and hope that someone or something else outside of us will save us or fulfil us. The power is always within. Trust yourself.
  2. YOUR POSSE: Not always easy I know, but make a conscious effort to weed out the people that don’t make you feel good. If you are constantly dulling your shine or consciously changing your behaviour to fit in – this includes family and work – STEP BACK! I get sometimes stepping away completely is not an option but free yourself up from too much time in situations in which you can’t be your true self. This can be lonely at first I understand from personal experience. But then you get really into the space of being you and you’ll start vibing with and attracting the right crowd before you know it! Promise!
  3. VULNERABILITY: Huge. Massive. Ballsy. Freeing. Scary as FUCK. But oh so worth it. It relates to the above too. Once you allow yourself the space to be you and vibe with your people they will help bring your vulnerability out. Purely because you will feel safe and comfortable. This has been a HUGE one for me. Really letting people step forward. Help me. Save me. Be there for me. Allowing myself to be seen and heard and ask for help even though it is scary. But I took the time to learn who I am safe to do that with. And I have never felt more held, seen, raw, real and loved in my entire life.
  4. YOU TIME:  Check in time. Do the thing that calms you. Sit without distraction. Give yourself the space to differentiate between the voices in your head telling you bullshit and lies about you and allow the voice in your gut to deepen and get louder.  Be fearless in your own company. Allow yourself the time to sit with what you are feeling and work out where the voice of fear is coming from. As science has shown we are born with only two innate fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud sounds – you can bet your bottom dollar the voice telling you bullshit lies isn’t your own. Working out who’s it is gives you the capacity to realise that it isn’t yours and therefore you have the power to decide whether or not it is true for you. (FYI – its not, you’re more than enough) Trust yourself.
  5. MASSIVE IMPERFECT ACTION: All the gurus are using this phrase. Tony Robbins, Oprah,  Gary Vaynerchuk, Grace Lever. Just do something. Even a little thing. Research. Talk to people. Go to a workshop or class. Do a brainstorm or a vision board. Give yourself the opportunity to try. To test the waters. To feel what it feels like to go after what you want. And with every time you step into that space you get that little bit better at taking the leap of faith.

So for me… do I know how it is all going to work out? No. No I don’t. But I trust that it will. Even now when I sit in the fear I have never felt so sure of my path. I have never felt so alive and excited to wake up every day and put my heart and soul into everything I do. I have never before had this capacity to allow myself to be so open and seen and back myself all the way.

I have never believed in myself so much. And that is because I wasn’t being myself so how the fuck was I supposed to believe in that?

Now? Now I trust. And I truly want that for you.

Get in touch.

Love and light, Michelle xxx

http://www.soulboundtm.com

 

Total Acceptance (3) – Victim

Ok so victim is more of an archetype or part of the personality than an emotion, but it is one we are well versed at acting out.

As a society we are pretty quick to pass the buck, blame and divert and deflect from our own bullshit. We are pretty good at acting like life just happens to us and we have no control over the outcome. In the corporate world, in our personal lives, in how we treat the planet, in how we treat ourselves.

As I started to learn about the “victim” element that resides in ALL of us, I initially rejected it. That actually makes me lol. Because that exact rejection was me acting out the victim traits.

But I kept telling myself “I am allowed to be a victim” “I am a victim”. I have been sexually abused, emotionally abused, physically abused. I am allowed to act out the victim. To make me feel better about all the shit that has gone down, I need those around me to feel sorry for me and make it all better. But I continuously learnt the hard way. If you put all that power in others hands, you are in for a big fall my friends.

Stepping into personal development, growth and enlightenment takes courage. To truly look at your stuff and take ownership of your emotions, actions, thoughts, beliefs and perceptions is as brave as it gets. So no wonder stepping into this space triggers our inner victim left right and centre.

If we look at the victim they are often perceived as powerless, weak, scared, all blaming, possibly even deserving of the bad that has happened to them. But as with everything in this universe; you can not give rise to these elements without the equal and opposite elements residing within in you. Every single thing you see within you both “good” and “bad” has, in the right circumstances, the ability to be expressed and acted out. Really think about that. Polarity is in everything. Duality. So therefore in the empowered version of the victim qualities are powerful, strong, courageous, ownership of self and awareness of life lessons and universal patterns.

So how do you get perspective and see where you are acting out in the disempowered or shadow aspect of victim?

  1. Expression: Watch how you are talking. Both internally and externally. Even in humour. The subconscious mind has no sense of humour. Here in Australia in particular it is common practice to joke about our perceived bad qualities, traits and misfortunes and thats ok too, but just check in occasionally and see how saying those things to yourself actually sits with how you want to feel in and about yourself.  An example of this is I would say if I made a mistake “Lucky I am cute” meaning I am not smart. But as I have become aware of my over expressed victim,, I feel an internal reaction in my body when I say this, yelling “HEY! Im very smart thank you!”
  2. Language: building on the last point watch the words you use. Common phrases “I can’t do that”, “I should do that”, “I am trying”, “I had to”, “they, he, she, made me feel…”. These are all statement that immediately give our power away. Rephrase this simply by just owing it. “I can’t” could be more that you actually haven’t tried, or you attempted it but feel you could do better next time, or you actually really don’t want to. Thats ok. But say it for what it is. “I should” – well says who? Do you want to for you? “I am trying” – this is an interesting one. It is good to have a go and try things but when you use this term as a means of justifying why you are in a place you are not comfortable, you’re actually not empowering yourself. Just say “I am taking this, this and this step to get to where I want to be”. “I had to” – simple. No you didn’t. We always have the power of choice. “They, he, she, made me feel…” no one can make you feel anything. You chose what emotions you allow yourself to attach to.
  3. Actions: simple bodily responses will enable the victim. So stand with your back straight. Head up. Eye contact where appropriate. Take up your space in the room. Don’t shrink to make others feel comfortable. Just allow yourself to be as equally as important as everyone else on this planet. You are!

See the thing that got me about this stuff, was it actually made me angry. But they did this this and this and that is wrong! Well the flip side of that is who the fuck am I to decide what is wrong. It was wrong by me, but essential for both my and their journey. Therefore my power is in getting to now chose to no longer be around those people, places, situations or take on those emotions that don’t serve me.

You have this power within you too. I promise. Allow yourself to shine.

The world needs your glow. And always remember the over expressed victim has a right too. Don’t shame it. But empower it to be free so you can live in self power, love and peace.

Love and light, Michelle xxx

 

 

 

Connecting With Connection

Connection. The premise behind everything I do. The reason for me creating this blog. Creating SoulBound. My growth journey.

Although as a fellow human, I still have my own ongoing work around this concept; this word “connection” brings up such an emotive energetic and bodily response for me every time.

I realise to others I am not always the easiest of people to work out. I can appear to be overly complicated. Highly emotional. Contradictory is also a term I have been told. As I unravel my experience and work out what makes me tick and ride the waves I can understand how this would be others perceptions. And that is honestly perfectly ok. I no longer need or want to be everyone’s cup of tea. An affirmation of late: What others think of me is none of my business.

But everyone wants to fit in somewhere. Everyone wants to be a part of something. Every single person wants to be loved. Understood. Cared for. Needed. Wanted. Involved. Connected. Everyone.

I have not always felt this way in life. In fact even though I am loud, friendly, emotional, open and social on the surface, I often have felt a huge disconnect between myself and the rest of the world. Even as I have embarked on this journey of self discovering, I have encountered many many situations in which I have not felt a part of this spiritual world.

This is what I seek to bring. I don’t think you need to (nor do I care if you do) wear all hemp products, be vegan, only be positive, be into crystals and oracle cards, do yoga, etc etc. All the cliches of the spiritual realm. I want to encourage people to throw them out the window. Some of these things I do love. Some I may grow to love. My point is it doesn’t matter. You are enough and worthy of connection just as you are.

The absolute LAST thing anyone who embarks on finding out what makes them tick is to feel not a part of the possibilities such enlightenment can bring. What I am saying is eat your kale chips and practice your meditation but don’t judge others for not doing that. Its their journey. And I believe as an “enlightened” individual; one would be aware of that and spread love always. Regardless of preferences. Allow others into your world. Share your knowledge. As the end goal is that we all come together and help to create a better world, so lets be open and receiving to the oneness that that brings.

I walked into a local spiritual shop today and although I am starting to feel a lot more at home in this space, I have often wondered why it is that these type of shops always have that very similar sort of style or look to them. Very busy, yet simplistic. The chakra posters on the wall. The crystal cabinets. The ornaments. The music. The burning incense. The room in the back for the personalised readings. The ornaments are often ethereal or childlike and the concept almost appears so far from our actual outside realities that it can seem a little far fetched. And I do wonder if that is part of the reason why the skeptics find this so hard to embrace. Yet as I am slowly learning more and more I am realising that there is indeed a reason for all of it. It is no coincidence that the idea is to pull you into that nurturing, calming, imaginative, ethereal, childlike experience and get you to look at those parts of yourself. As it is often in that period of our time in our body that we abandon honouring ourselves in order to be a part of our external experience. An almost false sense of connection if you will. Or connecting with ego over soul.

Despite that I still think it would not hurt to change it up a bit. Make it all more accessible for all walks of life. And this in lies part of my vision for my future. I want to bring connection into my life and the lives of others. And the two key things I feel my direction and the lessons I will share with others will take is

  1. Primarily connection will come from within. Knowing, but more importantly FEELING this connection within you is in my opinion the primary step. It will be a lifelong journey with ups and downs but there comes a point in the growth journey where you start to turn to yourself. Once you are comfortable in that space with yourself you will only feel secure in your choices about how, who and what to let in. This will disable the fear aspects because you will feel confident in trusting your own inner wisdom to guide you to make these often seemingly quite large life decisions.
  2. Vulnerability. This is a tricky one for many of us. And it will be fluid with the above concept as it will guide the lessons and it’s outcomes. But there is such a HUGE power in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. This will flow easily when the above internal connection is present but in the mean time, fear of letting down our walls can often take over. How many of us in our day to day lives know we are going into multiple situations in love, life and work not showing our authentic selves. When we allow fear to take over it becomes an emotive response. So in times like this it can be beneficial to switch to the rational brain to gain or access knowledge and perspective. This particular TED talk is gold in relation to this exact topic and showed up in my world six years ago through a psychology class. Funnily enough this exact talk has been brought to my attention multiple times over the years since by different sources. If you haven’t seen it or any of Brene Browns work, I HIGHLY recommend you get amongst it.

I am only just bringing to light the depth of my own fears around being vulnerable. For as I connect further inward I am now making the right choices about who I surround myself with. The people who show me so much love, care, information and tools for growth that I am beyond excited to be able to pass this learning and experience onto others.

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are WORTHY of love and belonging” ~ Brene Brown

Love and light always,

Michelle xxx

 

 

Speaking My Truth

This week I feel like a bit of a raging banshee … I was telling people off left right and centre. Calling people out on anything and everything and at the same time buried inside my seemingly never ending stream of thought. One of the girls I work with even walked up to me on Wednesday and just from nowhere goes “just LET IT GO!” and turned on her heel and walked back off. I just stood there for a second a bit shocked but then called out after her ..”yeah you’re spot on!”

You see I’m usually quiet sweet and a little cheeky and sarcastic but at the same time on the rare (although becoming less so) occasion when I call you out, I’m not joking. I feel it’s a right of passage with people who care about each other and I always take it when it comes back at me. It’s mutual respect. A way we can grow together. If we both chose.

So the first call out came on Sunday after an uncomfortable experience for me on a recent night out. The second at work after some discouraging comments were made and some unsupportive behaviour occured re: my new career direction. But these were all pretty quickly discussed and smoothed over. Everyone was willing to listen to each other’s point of view.

But, with the full moon on Thursday this energy in me PEAKED!!! My day was fine. Quite uneventful in fact. But as it drew to a close and I went to get my babies off their Dad after not seeing them for 2 weeks, one comment from him was all it took for the tide to turn. And no it’s NOT that time of the month. You’d think 2 kids, 2 step kids and 3 serious relationships later he would know better than to think that was the smart thing to say in response to my snapping. Well clearly he didn’t. So when I got the suitcase home and he had put two kids runners full of beach sand on top of all the clothes boy did he cop an abrupt text!

Honestly and not shockingly it had nothing to do with the shoes. Their dad and I are good a majority of the time. In fact our relationship is better now than it’s ever been. Together or apart. So I had to look at why he had set me off. But before I could get to that place of reflection, I wandered into my daughters room to see a friend I had previously let stay who I hadn’t heard from since she left and was pretty upset about, had seemingly been and grabbed some of her stuff whilst I was out with the spare key she still hadn’t given back.

I saw red. It’s such a trigger for me now. To me and where I’m at it is just complete and utter complacency and disrespect for the boundaries I am strongly asserting around myself. Or as I kept writing to everyone NOT OK. And just because I was on the bandwagon my ex copped an earful too about waiting 10 days to get back to me re: a lock code when I locked myself out on New Years Day. Turned out it was an honest mistake and I overstepped the mark. But I was on a roll….

Now I know ideally, I would gather myself figure out exactly what is going on inside and then calmly tell the other party what I need to say. But I didn’t. To me the world was throwing me triggers left right and centre and with everything I’m going through healing wise I am happy I’m learning to stand up for myself. I’m taking my own advice from posts past to not demonise these emotions I am feeling. And the interesting part to me is the ones who love me really, even if they’re on the receiving end are encouraging me to do just that. Speak my truth.

Just last week I acquired and workshopped a new tool in my soul coaching journey. Boundaries and Speaking Your Truth were two of the 12 dimensions. They all play off of each other. Just like life. Just like the complex human form. We have so many elements to our psyche and they are all affected by one another. I could establish boundaries but in order to maintain them I am having to learn to speak my truth. Ideally calmly and assertively. But as with any new skill, no one masters it straight off the bat. So when I perceived earlier that afternoon that baby daddy was pushing my boundaries on flexibility with the kids routine, my defences flew out of my mouth like a fighter jet at war. Further evidence that anyone’s reaction to anything is purely a window into exactly where they are at in themselves at that point in time. Because honestly, what he said wasn’t even that bad now I have had time to digest it.

However, in that moment it triggered my fight or flight. And once I decided to step in the ring I wasn’t leaving it at one opponent. Nope. It takes me a fair bit to get to that place but when I’m there I’m IN it. But you have to understand that in my perception the reason so much of the past abuse has occurred is purely down to my lack of boundaries. Now I have worked so hard to establish those, you threaten them and I essentially feel like you are threatening my survival. And particularly when you’re in your stuff, perception is a funny thing.

So what broke it? It was actually my ex. He diffused me. Acknowledged me, apologised, explained and then made me giggle because he asked me to stop yelling even though it was all via text message. But what I guess I am grateful for was the respect he showed in that moment for my speaking my truth to maintain the integrity of the boundaries I had created between us. Even though I didn’t go about it in the most appropriate way (hence the stop yelling lol) he got it. And if you read this… thank you.

What’s my point? There are so many in this I don’t know what to pin point.

– Go easy on yourself. Your reactions are necessary. But always reflect on your behaviour and feelings. Try to pin point the beliefs behind them.

-Go easy on others. Don’t personalise their reactions to make it your issue. Tell them you love them and you hear them and their feelings are valid. Or just walk away and let it go. It’s not your stuff.

-There is no way the moon cycles do not affect us. No way.

-Those that are supposed to be in your life, in whatever way they are supposed to be in your life, will be.

-I am me. I’m doing the best I can with what I know. I’m proud of where I am at and I won’t apologise for my journey.

And nor should you. And there is always right now to make the choice to be happy, or try again, or let it out, or just BE. No pressure, just loads of self love.

Much love, Michelle xx

You’ve Changed

I have had so many moments in the last few weeks in which both myself and those around me are noticing and saying ‘Wow. You’ve changed!’ Well I say, I’ve changed and fuck, but you get my drift.

Such examples include: I left a close friends bday party sober and early as I had responsibilities the next day; I played wing woman and not the flirt for one of my girls on a Thursday; I assertively stood up for myself in multiple situations of being disrespected by customers, colleagues and a close friend; and I’ve stepped back from multiple scenarios around me in which I now see I was trying to ‘fix’ and I’ve learnt I don’t need to. It’s not my journey.

Basically I’ve been saying yes to things that benefit me and my growth and a big loud NO to things that don’t.

The one thing however that has surprised me a little, is underneath all the years of feeling deep sadness about allowing myself to be treated badly and suppressing my wants, needs and desires; I’m actually quite fucking angry. And in ways it’s starting to come out. But here’s the deal. I think it’s a good thing.

Lol I know, I know; I always find the good in every situation, but here is what I have come to know. Anger is demonised. As a society we site it as an expression of lack of control, denote it as a lack of understanding of our emotions and how to deal with them in a positive way and fuel it as something we should fear and be ashamed of feeling.

In arguments, if one person is showing outward ‘anger’ in terms of yelling and frustration while the other is crying, the ‘angry’ person is seen as the perpetrator. But if you step back from the emotions; neither person is rationally coping, showing control or showing deep understanding of how to deal with the situation at hand. Yet the ‘angry’ person is the bad guy. Up until recently I would have thought so too. Until I started to really take ownership of myself and my emotions.

I make me happy; I make me sad.

Now don’t get me wrong, I in no way condone violent, intimidating and threatening behaviour. But to me those expressions aren’t anger. It’s actually rage. As anger itself is at times truly beneficial. It is a pure natural state that we have a right to feel when we perceive we are done wrong by. It is when anger is acted out in either the under-expression – passive/victim mentality – or the over-expression – rage/perpetrator mentality – that in lies the issue. But anger itself, is a natural state.

So as I sat in my therapy session just gone, I mentioned to Amber about this anger that’s been coming up. It’s like I’ve stripped back all the sadness and victim in me and what lies beneath has been bubbling away for some time. Another layer dear onion. Urgh. I felt yuk about myself. Anger is such an ugly emotion I thought. And all those other false beliefs that I listed about it a couple of paragraphs ago.

So the most heartening thing, I could’ve heard in that moment, was exactly what Amber said. ‘Oh my god, yes!!! That’s music to my ears. So you should be!’

And in that moment, I realised it was more than ok. It was something to celebrate. I have lived through years of abandonment, hurt, loss, addiction, physical, emotional and sexual abuse and played it out as the victim. I have passively allowed so many things and situations to occur in my 31 years that have led me to this time right here and now. The universe kept the scenarios coming until I got the point. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF WOMAN!!

So right now in my journey, for me that’s what I will do. I need to feel this anger to move me into action and out of the place of victim in which I have spent my entire time in this body. I have a right to feel it. I do not feel I have to justify why I feel it. And for me right now, it’s moved me into a forward shift. I’m backing myself. Making decisions that benefit me. I’m not taking others stuff on. I’m personalising things less. I’m beginning to really see my power and strength in a whole new light. And god it is freeing!

So whatever feeling you are feeling, don’t beat yourself up for it. Don’t judge yourself or the emotion. It is valid and neccessary. Take the time to look at it. Figure out why it is that you feel that way. Know that you have every right to feel the way you do about any situation or scenario in your life. Your feelings matter. And by being true to them, it will always pull you through.

So I’m happy to sit with this now. Embrace it as me. Necessary for my journey. Eventually it will even out as I gain even more awareness of my reactions. But I now know, I can feel whatever I want, whenever I want to. Don’t demonise your emotions. The power is in what you choose to do with them.

Power, love and light 💪🏼💕✨

Much love, Michelle xxx
Sent from my iPhone

Soul Food 💗

Food trends are everywhere. Are you Vegetarian? Vegan? Raw? Pescitarian? Paleo? Dairy, Wheat & Nut free? Alkaline Dieting? Blood Type Dieting? Atkins? Zone Dieting? Well working in the food industry, I’d hypothesise you are now part of the majority. Everyone seems to be looking for something to help with optimising their health. And power to you! If it works for you, that’s great!

But as I lay here tonight in bed all warm under my doona listening to the rain outside, I look across to my beautiful daughter laying beside me. She’s so unbelievably beautiful. Inside and out. She has an appetite for life, like no one I’ve met. And she loves HUGE! She also gives as good as she gets and is very comfortable in her own skin. She’s been in my bed for a couple of weeks now. Never something I thought would happen. I’ve always been really strong about that being my space. Maybe we both just need the closeness at the moment. Whatever it is, we’ll work through it in time.

Parenting is a series of contradictions. The best are all the parenting decisions we make before we become parents. You remember,

When I’m a parent, I will never bribe my child; Reality: If you eat all your vegetables you can have icecream… We just call it incentives or positive parenting to make ourselves feel better: Or…

When I’m a parent, my kid will only eat organic foods grown from locally sourced farms; Reality: snot becomes a food group. Well I guess it is natural and locally sourced at least.

But you get my point. And from my experience this continues throughout the different life stages.

So here is my girl sleeping next to me for the first times in her 5 years and I just get lost in my thoughts about how she must be experiencing this world. How do both of my kids perceive this world? I love to ponder these things. But tonight my attention was on a topic that has come up a bit since having my daughter. This whole thing of physical appearance. It has been an ongoing thing in her short life and that of her little peers of them often commenting and focusing on outward ‘beauty’ and physical traits. My niece even commented one day that she would only eat salad, as that’s what Barbie eats. She was 4:(

Our Western world is slammed with imagery of ideals. What we should look like, how we should dress, where we should live, what we should drive etc etc etc. Marketing would have you believe if you have all these things you will be the epitome of happy. We adults act this out, every single day and these beautiful little sponges we cherish so dearly, pick up on every little bit of it.

I mean it is not entirely new. I’ve gotten comments my whole life about my weight. I was called ‘Ana’ (anorexic), a surfboard (flat and straight up and down), and a boy. If I had a dollar for every time I was told to not turn sideways or I’d get lost or to eat a burger, well I’d have a LOT of Big Macs.

Truth is I eat a lot. I love food. I was blessed with a fast metabolism. But I also eat well. I love food that is good for my body. I treat my body well for the most part and always make sure I treat myself too. For some reason people think it’s ok to comment on this. It’s not. If you wouldn’t look at someone and tell them to lay off the burgers; it’s equally as rude to tell someone they need to eat more.

Its not new for these types of comments to get thrown around. In fact it’s almost a right of passage in growing up to be on the recieving end of some of this. Character building if you will. But I think everyone would agree. It’s turned up a notch since we were kids and it only seems to be getting worse.

My take on this is because we, the parents, the people who are here to guide this younger generation, are not entirely happy or confident within ourselves. So if it’s all around our kids in their shows and entertainment, in their magazines, displayed by their peers, and modelled by their parents… How are kids going to know that they are enough just the way they are?

If they sit down at the dinner table and their parents are on this diet or that diet, who’s displaying a healthy relationship to food?

At my reiki course the other week, I actually felt uncomfortable with my food choices. Everyone was discussing this new super food or that new substitute for a common food that is now considered poison. And honestly I don’t know enough to comment either way. I don’t disagree that the way we eat in general needs to be discussed so we can make good choices, but like the focus on our physical appearance to me, it’s getting out of hand.

All we need to focus on in my opinion, is self love. If you love yourself, are happy and have respect for the vessel that is your body, then your body will function just as its supposed to and you will easily look exactly the way you should. And that optimum is as different for everyone as we are different! Makes sense doesn’t it!?

What works for one, won’t work for others. But don’t deprive yourself. And don’t over indulge. Just LISTEN to what your body is telling you and the rest should flow.

Stop shaming people for their weight. Big or small. Stop shaming people for their food choices. Why don’t we start telling people all the good things about them and encourage them to see the good things too. Then in that they will only want to treat themselves and their body with the love and respect it deserves.

So as I look at my beautiful daughter I’ve made a decision. I’m going to encourage my kids, starting tomorrow, to tell themselves something they love about themselves in the mirror every morning. Every single day. Looking right at themselves with love and adoration. I do it for me as a part of the process to undo some of the past hurts and to brighten my future. Imagine a generation of people who’ve done it all along! I think that would be one happy healthy bunch of people.

I honestly believe that self love is the answer to everything. I also believe it’s up to us to start this change. Let’s stop looking outward for happiness and joy.

Its been inside each and every one of us all along:)

Namaste ✨

Much love, Michelle xxx

 

The Depths of Healing

This weeks topic is a little uncomfortable to write about. Well that’s already bullshit, it’s actually a lot uncomfortable. I toyed with the idea in my mind about sharing and I came to the conclusion that this was the whole reason I started this journey. It was for myself to create a space in which I can grow, learn, express myself and put myself out there. Push through my fears. Regardless of outcomes. I’m being true to me. What I never imagined is how this has given me a reflective platform to healing myself. Because I write it all in one go, with little editing or revision, it is a pure and true insight into me. Raw as it gets.

So of late, I have been getting a lot of really sore throats and coughs. Yes, I am busy. Yes, I have two kids in daycare and school who bring home everything. Yes, I have been burning the candle at both ends, but to me I believe there is more to it. Why always my throat? Now I believe it’s because it correlates to some other massive breakthrough in my life.

Not too long ago, as I sat in my therapy session a topic came up. I had touched on it briefly a couple of times but due to the large amounts of other things I was dealing with in the last couple of years, it hasn’t taken centre stage. Until now.

I was a young teenager when I was sexually assaulted. Not on one occasion either. That was hard to write. At the time this was happening to me, I was also involved as a witness in a criminal trial for another sexual assault case. It was put to me and I was fearful, that I would weaken my friends case I was testifying for and also that no one would believe me. So I kept quiet. I said nothing, except to one girlfriend and then a random guy I broke down to when he attempted to take me home one night a year or so later.

So what did I do. It’s quite astounding actually, how our mind and body decides to cope. I had nowhere safe to go (or so I rationalised to myself) so I kept it all inside. I repressed it. I ignored it. I did drugs. I drank. I gave myself to people who didn’t respect me, the same way I didn’t respect myself. Because I blamed myself. Then I ran. I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran. I took off around Australia to try and escape my past.

But as we all know. You can’t escape it. This stuff follows you until you deal with it head on. So I came home after a while and preceded to fall into an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. And so the cycle continued. And this was all before my 19th bday. I had zero respect for me. Men I attracted had about as much. It affected my ability to understand what a healthy dynamic with a man was. I thought I was there for sex. I alone wasn’t enough to please someone. That sex is an added benefit to a beautiful bond between to people who love eachother.

As I am blessed, the universe offered me a reprieve when I met the father of my kids. I ran to him for safety. But the uneven dynamic still occurred as he was more of a father role than a lover. We were never really equals. Noones fault just the dynamic we created. I needed at that moment in time. He so did he for his own reasons. But the writing was on the wall. It all had to blow because I hadn’t dealt with my past. And blow it did. And two more unhealthy dynamics later, I am finally ready to look at it.

For anyone who has been through this. I applaud you. You are strong. You are brave. You are not alone. Yes the statistics are scary how common this complete abuse of trust and respect is carried out. And as like in my case often by someone you know.

In saying that, your unique experience and how you have chosen to deal with it and how it affects you, is your decision and journey. You are not a statistic. You are a beautiful soul who was put through an experience that caused you pain and hurt and fear. The physical scars generally heal. The emotional ones take time. Be gentle.

I have just learned the power of not giving myself. I am in a complete state of healing right now. My body is releasing in ways I am only beginning to understand. A while ago I was reading Heal Your Body – by Louise Hay. The theory behind how our emotions are often tied to the expression of where we manifest these emotions in our body really resonated with me. She offers the ailment, what it is possibly emotionally linked to, and then an affirmation to say to help neutralise the belief. The fact she treated herself of cancer also provides strong evidence.

Then I take the energy healing reiki course. Couple that with my Psychotherapist, My Consciousness Coaching and my Charkra balancing retreat and I’m getting the same information delivered to me in many different forms. So one would have to think there is something to this. The universe is basically smacking me on the head with it.

So the third Charkra, the throat Charkra, is not surprisingly the Charkra or energy centre of communication. Not just everyday conversing but also our self talk. If you remember at the beginning, I commented how my sicknesses lately have been insanely sore throats. Well when I connected this, it was a light bulb moment. I’m in no way shitting you, this directly correlated with my releasing this unsaid hurt of the past. Every time a release came. I would get a sore throat.

I am finally saying all the things I have needed to say for a really long time. And it is so freeing. I was sitting thinking how exhausting it is but really I need to embrace it. Let the pain lead me to the light like it has so many times before.

I can understand why all my beautiful guides and teachers have been rejoicing in my sharing of such a hurtful past. But I get it. It’s another couple of layers I am peeling back and bringing me closer to freedom.

I love my story. It has made me every little piece of who I am today. I don’t condone what happened to me. I also don’t hold anger. That would only feed my fear. But fuck I have to be so gentle with me right now. And I will be. I am holding that frightened girl and never letting go. Until she is ready.

I was instructed, every time I go into a situation where I would fall into my old ways and start to fall into my old belief system of men will only really want me for one thing, I need to put an imaginable belt over my sixth Charkra. The sexual Charkra. It is also one of the Charkras of intuition. The other being the Third Eye. But this also shows that when you are interrfeared with on a sexual dimension it can often lead to self doubt and lack of trust in your own abilities to judge a situation. I know for me I hands down doubted my intuition.

So when I was asked to close my eyes and imagine this belt, I described a shiny light gold belt made out of tin foil twisted or folded at the back to hold it together. It’s ok to laugh. I did. No wonder it was so bloody easy to pull off and charm me! So I was gently guided to imagine it more as a strong woven fabric with 5 double bra like hooks at the back that I was to imagine clipping together on the tightest hook. The width should cover the whole area of my sixth Charkra. Just an extra layer of protection for me while I learn to build my strength.

All I hope from sharing this, is that someone else will not feel alone. If it helps someone to talk and ask for help, I would be more than a little chuffed. Entirely for you. Talking and facing these memories is all I can do in order to deal with it and move on to a happier and healthier life. I just want it to be known your story is as equally important as anyone elses.

You are not to blame. You should not feel shame. You deserve to be happy and love yourself completely.

You are enough.

Much love, Michelle xxx