Signs, Lessons and Roundabouts

Life is grand… everything is going along exactly as I had hoped and planned. I am kicking goals and ticking boxes left, right and centre. It has been so much growth in such a short time, and this week I stepped it up a notch again. I signed with a mentor that will push me and help me fill the gaps in my business knowledge. I was asked to join a social therapy group team and I ran my first solo workshop.

However in the back of my mind, I am acutely aware at this point in time I am scared, no TERRIFIED, of my greatness.

I see an amazing Kinesiologist. One of my many mentors and teachers. She came to see me as a client and had a great session but what she said to me after resonated as I knew it was the truth. She commented that she could FEEL I was shielding some of my light. Like I was holding back. Not completely stepping into my power. A theme that has run through my life.

Up until recently I, like many, was comfortable living in victim mentality. Where life just happens to us and we really don’t have any control over our outer circumstances and how we think and behave. But lately it hasn’t been enough for me anymore and I have thrown myself into life where I am creating the reality that lights me up.

That being said, the rest of your life, patterns and experiences don’t just disappear and today it all welled up. All the what ifs. What if I am not good enough? What if I fail? What if I succeed but nobody I love is ok with my new life? Why is it so hard for me? Why does everyone else seem to get it easy?

It is amazing the bullshit that we throw into the mix when we are bashing ourselves up.

So reluctantly, I took myself out of the house to go to a coffee date I had organised many weeks ago. My first ever client, now friend, that was my guinea pig for my Super Soul Sessions. Two seconds in she could see I wasn’t myself and honestly I wasn’t doing a great job of pretending otherwise. Despite the fact we are now friends, I still put all these expectations on myself as to how I “should” behave in front of her.

But I was in it and as unbelievably uncomfortable as it made me, the self proclaimed “fixer” in the dynamic, I wasn’t in a space to pull myself up. So she whisked me out the cafe door to go and find nature.

As we walked along and she made small talk as I gave nothing back, she stopped and began to chuckle. I looked up. “You’re fucking kidding me!” I proclaimed.

There right in the window of a random store on the side of the road was a giant rug. In coloured writing it simply said “Open Up Your Heart”.  “Well I have to say, you always get such clear signs from the universe Michelle” she said.

Well that was it. I began to cry. We walked a little further until my tears turned into sobs and I sat myself down on a tram stop bench. She sat next to me as I lent over and cried on her shoulder.

We sat in silence for a bit. Then as if I was sitting with Yoda, she began to speak.

“You know your intuition is quite remarkable Michelle. You sat yourself down in front of a building site. Look at all the big signs right in front of you! It is so relevant!”

We began to laugh. The signs were like “Take care – deep excavation in progress” “Safety Gear Required At All Times” & “Under Construction” – These signs were like a metaphor for my life right now.

As we giggled and sat with the sun on our faces the wisdom and beautiful insights poured out of her. And as I sat there and lapped up all the golden insights and different perspectives on how my journey is going, the resounding feeling was gratitude. Gratitude for her. Gratitude for the words. Gratitude for the lessons. Gratitude for my humaness.

Regardless of who you are, your title, your role in the dynamic or whatever other labels or boxes you put around yourself. You are having a human experience. And every single one of us is capable of teaching all the rest of us a thing or two.

When you allow yourself to open and be your authentic self, the lessons flow your way thick and fast and all those empty spaces no longer seem so dark and vast.

Be open to connecting and learning. Always. Every single soul has some beautiful wisdom to bring to the world that could in a second, change yours.

Love and light

Michelle xxx

The Passion Path: Don’t Forget Your Why…

The Why… The reason that brought you to where you are. That feeling in your heart. In your gut. In your entire being. It makes your heart swell and your eyes dilate and the emotions wash over you like your whole body is filled with this sense of knowing. The sense that this is why you are here. This is what you what were made for. You know regardless of any logic or reasoning; that you are doing precisely what you were created to do.

If you are blessed enough to be one of those who has found your passion in life …. that thing, that someone, that experience, or that place, group or hobby – you know that nothing compares. Nothing can light you up the way that this does. It pumps through your veins and fills you with life affirming energy that spills out into everything you do.

Choosing this life – the passion path – is such an honour. Once you see it; no, once you feel it, it’s like you don’t have an option. It has called upon you. It has shown you the way from existing to living. This is a place there is no coming back from. And you wouldn’t have it any other way. The life you led before seemed to exist in a parallel universe. To another person, in another time. When you choose the passion path you are reborn. You’re awake. Alive. Fulfilled.

This path is simple to choose. But this path is not easy. It takes your all. Your full heart. Everything is amplified. You feel everything so intensely. You experience in technicolour. Your sensations are heightened. Your pleasure centres full. You breathe in its intensity and exude out its light and essence.

But when you truly give something your all, when you invest all that time, that energy, that power, that force, THAT LOVE… When you have this passion ignited inside of you, it also has the times where it’s beautiful intensity is what burns. It can be your unravelling. It can be your pain. Your breaking point. Your undoing.

The passion path is beautiful. It is for the courageous. It is for the inspired. The living. So when it is not going as you hoped, not as you had dreamed; Remember that along with the sheer wonder and beauty that this passion brings, it would not be so without it’s ability to scold you at times. It’s wondrous intensity goes both ways.

And in these times when your passion breaks you down; in this time when you lose your centre and understanding of how you came to be on this path. When all your sensations are overloaded and the senses are blurred –  this is when you go back to your WHY…Why you chose a life of living over a life of existing.

And allow it to ignite you over and over again.

Love always, Michelle xx

PS This passage was inspired by my father. Growing up, I could never understand why my father made many decisions that he did. Why he chose to spend all his time on the land with his cattle. Why he invested all of his time, energy and money into this part of his world that not only did I not really appreciate, I felt took away from his time with me. Over the years I resented this. I took it to mean I was not loved or important. I created my own set of beliefs around how this placed me in the world.

But now as I unravel all of my limiting beliefs and fearful perceptions and heal my relationship with myself and hence those around me, I can really see this for what it is. The most amazing gift my Dad could have given me. The understanding of passion and devotion to the parts of your world that light you up. That thing or person, that no matter how anyone else sees or experiences it – it doesn’t matter. It brings you joy, growth and understanding of your place in this world.

So thank you Dad for inspiring me to live my life with passion. To go for it when no one else gets it. Thank you for showing me that no matter how hard it appears to get, that without passion igniting my world, I would be purely existing. Not living.

Thank you for showing me what it takes to believe in myself despite all the odds and how to rise up again and again. Thank you for showing me how to love.

I love you. Happy Fathers Day.

Michelle xxx

 

 

Total Acceptance (1) – Jealousy

One of the toughest parts of learning to love ourselves in our entirety, is the complexity of self shaming. When we look outside of ourselves for validation or acknowledgment. When we look to society and our environment to dictate and mould how our lives should look. If we ourselves do not feel we measure up to these perceived ideals of our external environment, we tell ourselves there is something wrong with us. We tell ourselves we are not enough.

We all walk our own path. Have our own unique dynamics, experiences and lessons that help guide the lens in which we look at this world. In order to shift our perception from struggle, pain, fear and ego to light and love for all that is, we know that the first step to change is acknowledgement. This is well documented. Personal growth starts with owning your shit and the willingness to take action to change it.

However, often once we start to truly look into all parts of ourselves and what makes us tick we undoubtedly uncover deep parts within us that we don’t really like or want to own. These thoughts, beliefs, actions and emotions are equally a part of us as the cool, fun, shiny stuff we appreciate about ourselves; and behind the dark exterior, its power to propel us to the life we truly want is palpable.

So this week lets look into the emotion of JEALOUSY. This is a widely shamed emotion to express. Often called the root of all evil, a disease, a monster, a curse only experienced by those who have no self esteem. If you express jealousy, you are automatically seen as weak. It is almost a taboo emotion and one that triggers a huge amount of self shaming behaviours.

Unfortunately, the intensity is increased due to the double nature of the emotion in which we not only feel bad in ourselves for feeling that way but we are also harbouring negativity toward the person or situation we are in fact jealous of. Clearly, this results in one big cycle of negative energy and suppression.

As is my intention behind all that I do, I like to express something real. Something for you, the reader to connect to. To understand that I am speaking both from a place of knowledge and understanding. Something authentic and relatable. This week jealousy reared its intriguing head into my consciousness and I have had an interesting experience unpacking it.

This time it was amongst friends. Being the only single mum in the group and busy juggling all the things that I am choosing to do in this stage of my life, my social life has taken a bit of a back seat. And although I have chosen this, it did not help me rationalise why I was feeling left out and jealous when I did see my friends and I had no idea what most of the conversations were about. Plans were being made without me and group texts had differed to ones in which I was no longer included. As I was sitting at a dinner with them for the first time in a while and I wasn’t following any of the conversation, I began to feel that deep old emotion of jealousy rising up.

Now I would place bets that every single person reading this has experienced this feeling at one point or another. Some people feel it more often than others, and you know what? Thats ok!

The thing is, the friendships, careers and romantic partners we seek out as adults are not by chance. We are drawn to or repelled from personality types and people based on the dynamics we experienced in our childhood years. It is this intricately amazing life that our unconsciousness weaves for us so we can be presented with situations that can keep us “safe” in our patterns of old. Or, when you are ready to look at it like this, give us the opportunities to grow and heal any parts of ourselves that are not fulfilled.

Jealousy will surface in situations in which these old wounds are triggered. And lets be honest it actually makes you feel yuk. Inside and out. Its one of the lower vibrational emotions so it makes sense that it just brings you down. You and those around you. Its heavy.

So if you add to the heaviness with more self blame, shame, misdirected anger and projection you will inevitably only add to its weight.

The only way to lighten the load of a low vibrational energy is to show it the light. Shower in it. Be honest with yourself. If you feel it come up, be compassionate. Ultimately, it is a small child part of yourself expressing that they are feeling insecure. That they are not feeling enough. That they need to be loved. Not shamed and pushed down or away.

Find a safe place and EXPRESS IT. Let it out. In a healthy way. Not screaming or sulking. This will only make you feel worse again. In my situation I chose to express it directly to those involved and it has been a great experience for my growth journey. But you may chose a professional, a safe friend or family member or even just acknowledging it to yourself and show yourself some love.

It never ceases to amaze me how the intensity of these emotions lessens immediately once we allow ourselves the space to express it. Without judgment. Then show gratitude for what you do have and feed the things in your world that bring you joy.

Jealousy does not make you evil. It does not make you a monster. It doesn’t mean you are cursed. It doesn’t make you all darkness. It makes you a perfectly divine soul just living out your journey in this human experience. Just like the rest of us.

Go easy on yourself.

Love and light, Michelle xxx

Re-Framing Change

Change is inevitable. There is no moment just like the one that is happening right now. You will never be the same age as you are right this second. Life is constantly evolving. This we know. So why do we so often resist change as if it is our enemy?

I heard an interesting summary about energy and change lately that really stuck with me. I was listening to a blockage clearing workshop by Christie Marie Sheldon and as with a lot she says, it is the way she says it that seems to just get through to me.

We (humans) are just a mass of energy; vibrating molecules constantly in a state of change…So when we get stuck, when we resist change – just IMAGINE how much energy that takes to try and fight against the natural state. The natural state of constant change.

Yet here we are, fixed in our minds, fixed in our beliefs, fixed in our actions and fixed in our day to day routines and programming that we are conditioned to believe is the only way to live our lives. Many of us are now awakened to the notion that we are not fulfilled in the lives we are leading. But most of us want a quick fix and seek these short term solutions or bold promises of inner peace, a life of abundance and change in “x” amount of time. And then when they don’t work – FAST – we give up hope and go back to the old way. The conditioned way. But what if we re-framed the way we look at the concept of change. What if we appreciated that we are in fact innately wired to go with the flow. That it is purely environmental conditioning that has lead us to consider otherwise.

This road to finding self is by far and away the most important thing a soul (human) can do in order to make a true difference in this world. In saying that; it can be confusing. It can be overwhelming. It can be frustrating. It can be uninviting. It can be full of bullshit and assholes. It can be misguided. It can be very far from the nurturing, open, accepting, growing, peaceful journey it is made out to be.

Then throw in our own inner shit on top and no wonder many of us run back to retreat in what was.

Change can be big. Change can seem scary. But this is how I am re-framing the concept of change in order to show people they are kicking goals on a daily basis. Even if you don’t feel like it.

INTENTION. DIRECTION. BELIEF. ACTION. Whilst all parts reflect upon each other, this is how I have documented the process occurring. With each step giving you a great step to both reflect on and launch from.

You see as soon as you set an INTENTION to change, as soon as life pushes you to the point where you no longer want to deal with things the way that they are; all the nuggets of gold you need to walk through to get from where you are to where you want to be will become apparent. An intent to change is in fact change. As it is a different way of thinking for you. Acknowledge that. Celebrate that.

This INTENTION will immediately put you into a DIRECTION as you seek to find the right pathway for you. Although this can seem overwhelming at times as you sift through the copies amounts of information available to us in this day and age, when the intent is strong enough and further change is what is best for you at this given moment at some point something will jump out at you. It will resonate. Even if it is for the short term. Celebrate it. Being open minded for new information is change!

When we find a DIRECTION in an area we are seeking solutions and answers and comfort in and it resonates with us on a deep and meaningful level, we begin to allow ourselves to open up to all the possibilities this new way of living can bring. Thus we allow our BELIEF structures to be more flexible in order to align with this new found direction. Getting to the core of beliefs can be a life time of work as they often have many layers, but this doesn’t mean don’t celebrate the opening and flexibility and breaking down of these beliefs that no longer serve our soul.

The inspiration we allow ourselves to feel if we embrace the previous elements, will without question lead to further ACTION. As we seek to learn, feel, experience and grow more into this new awareness and knowing. All the while facilitating all these elements of change.

The key here, is to celebrate every element. It doesn’t have to be that you have to get to exactly where you want to be immediately. Celebrate the journey along the way. And don’t let the little hiccups or apparent lack of big victories to dishearten you and keep you stuck in what was.

Because change is a constant. So save yourself a lot of time, energy and drama and just go with the flow. Your flow.

I’ll be here to facilitate you all the way http://www.soulboundtm.com

Love and light, Michelle

 

Something Just Like This

It was just one of those weeks….Coming into the new moon and possibly not having all my ducks in a row, I started to get battered.

A few weeks ago I mentioned there was about to be a big change. Well it all sort of fell in a heap this week. Or so it seems. Lack of communication leads me to believe that. An opportunity for some big change didn’t come my way despite all signs pointing to the fact it would. Never mind. Wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t lose anything by putting myself out there. I just gained an experience.

Add to that, I am still grieving the loss of that special someone. Definitely honestly my biggest hurt. Then I had a BIG unexpected financial issue. Old ex in-law family stuff came ringing my phone. The old ex started his in your face public displays of affection with his new early 20 something and I cut my finger on a sauce bottle, almost knocked myself out and got an egg head from walking into a fridge door at work and lost one of my new beautiful birthday gifts. Needless to say I was feeling a little hard done by.

Practice what I preach right!? Gratitude and acceptance and letting go. Well yes, that would be the obvious thing to do but as I also say; you can’t force someone to change if they are not willing to look at it truthfully.

In saying that sometimes the universe has other plans. It is my belief in those times of your life where everything seems to be stacking up against you; as big or as minor/annoying as these things might be, it is the universe trying to tell you something. And being that the universe/god/energy/source is the higher power, it knows best. So even when us down here on Earth in our little human, ego bodies try to ignore the signs, the universe goes “Awww isn’t that cute” and ramps it all up a notch. As we like to call it in Consciousness Coaching “stacking the pain”.

We as humans are wired to avoid pain more than we look to seek pleasure. So even if we know on a deep level something is better for our true self, but the ego is screaming out in fear, we will choose the path of least resistance and go with what we know. The old way. The way we’ve been conditioned since birth. We plod along in that mode until its our turn and a series of things or something big happens that we just can’t ignore. Then it is up to us how quickly we take the bait. Do we keep on trying to act out the old way because -DAMN IT – it always worked before (even though you know truthfully it didn’t or there wouldn’t be pain) or do you lean into the fear and allow true change to take shape. Something that is more aligned to your true wants, wishes, purpose and desires?

I still ebb and flow… even once awake, majority of us do. There are so many layers. But I do feel this series of events and annoyances and injuries this week was the universe stacking my pain. Making my norm more uncomfortable as it is time for me to move on from here to bigger and better things. Now I just need to open myself up to it and allow.

So lets work back through this systematically shall we.

  1. The birthday gift. Possibly a heartbreaking reminder to take more care. Slow down. Appreciate the little things. I actually thought to myself when I put it on – it was a bracelet – that I didn’t know if I clipped it right. But I was in a rush so instead of checking I winged it. And now I pay the price:( Lucky I’m not an aeroplane engineer. LESSON: Slow the fuck down, pay attention to the things that matter. It was sentimental and now it is gone because I was careless.
  2. The egg on my head from the fridge. Well honestly I was distracted by hot chips, which I still managed to eat even when I was on the floor holding my head. But again     LESSON: Slow the fuck down. I was snacking on hot chips because I never break at work and stop to look after myself. Most days I don’t eat lunch. I am too busy trying to please everyone else I forget about myself. I matter too!
  3. The cut from a sauce bottle lid. I mean does an injury get any more lame than that? LESSON: As above. Slow down. Pay attention.
  4. Stalking exes profile on Facebook to find photos and over the top displays of affection to the new target. I say target as I know this is his cycle and my rational self understands the psychology behind it. My emotional self did not. I was essentially aiding the universe in the whole stacking the pain process here. I went into why does he get to be happy blahblahblah……. Everyone deserves to be happy. Even him. LESSON: Pay attention! But not to others. To myself! My self worth was low. As it has been my whole life up until I recently started fighting for it. This was my old ways looking to make a reappearance. BE VIGILANT!
  5. Ex in-law money issue coming up. Sent me into resentment, anger, abandonment and jealousy. Didn’t love writing those things about myself but hey like I said I believe in order to make change you need to be 100% honest. And I felt all of those feelings in a very strong way. But when I can rationalise it, these events around the financial side of things have occurred in cycles multiple times. I need to look into it. LESSON: Pay attention! (I know you can see the theme here!) Slow down. Look at it. Really look into it. The thoughts, feelings and emotions behind it. Give myself a true opportunity to work through it, heal it and let go of it so I can move forwards for good.
  6. Another money blip. Relates to the above. I am attempting to better myself in this area of my life but seemingly I still have a lot to learn. This was a frustrating hiccup. LESSON: As above. Slow the fuck down and pay attention. I am more than capable but I need to allow myself to succeed. Stop the self sabotage.

But as I was driving back tonight after having to run the kids around to do something to deal with my just mentioned error, I was beyond frustrated. They were both talking at me and I was just completely zoned out. Ethan grabbed my phone and put on a song. I am amazing at visualising. I can create an entire alternate reality in my mind and FEEL like I am in it. It is definitely my creative super power. And as the song started to play I took myself to this place. This place where I am truly aligned to my soul. I am living out my purpose and I am at piece with all of the parts of me.

I turned to Ethan and I said “It has to be me. If I want this, if I truly want this, then I have to get up and do it. I know I don’t want the struggle anymore. Im done! Im done! I want it all out!”

I was starting to yell. He’s used to me. He had a big grin on his face and he said “THEN YELL IT OUT!” “SCREAM!”

So we did. We all wound down the windows and really let go. Like totally went for it. We yelled and screamed and sang and laughed. And it felt really bloody cathartic. My heart was bursting after that. What a beautiful thing for him to encourage me to do. And we all felt better for it. I always say better out than in. But I don’t always practice it.

The words….it really connected. As I always say music is amazing for that. I was in my aligned future and these were the words playing…The old me doubting, scared, resisting and the new me nurturing those fearful parts of me and leading me into the dream. My future. Telling me I am everything I need to be. Hope it can take you away to your place of soul too.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

Love and light,

Michelle xxx

 

Attached To Detached

You know those moments when you catch yourself and you go “WOW…. that’s definitely something I need to work through”..? Well I had a ripper this week!!

And as usual the universe offered up some interesting little tid bits along the way.

So if you have read any of my blog before you will know I’m not so lucky in love. Not that luck has anything to do with it mind you. But I tend to be attracted to and tied up in scenarios that are bound to not play out well.

From talking to other singles and even some coupled up crew of late, there is definitely a vibe out there that relationships are nowhere near as simple as they used to be.

For singles there are options galore. Bars, pubs, concerts, parties, online dating, set ups, work colleagues, one night stands, friends of friends, friends partners …. you name it, it all goes down. Chatting recently with someone I hadn’t seen for a while and it was quickly clear we were both surrounded by breakups, affairs, mental illness, heartache and other painful tales.

So what is happening out there that is making this whole connection business so god damn hard?. Are we all that fearful of actually letting our guards down that we’d prefer to be eternally bullshitting our way through scenarios that are bound to not work out.

Well I know this is true for me. And I didn’t really own that until I actually had what I can only describe as an out of body experience in which I watched myself actually act it out. I wasn’t quite strong enough to stop myself but I was immediately openly shocked by my reaction.

So I’ll set the scene. There have been two men in my world for a while now. Not essentially seeing or dating either but they have both made multiple appearances over the last 12 months or so.

One I have known for a year. We met. It was passionate. It was fun. Exciting. And we both ended up a bit enamoured. Well for the first 5 months or so anyway. Then as things got a bit more serious I honestly don’t understand what went down. Communication became less and less and we drifted. It hurt. A lot. I’ve always understood the reasons for the end of other relationships but this just didn’t make sense.

So when I would hear from him it became and unhealthy dynamic of me desperately trying to do whatever I could to get back to where we mysteriously left off. Not a good look and never plays out well.

But as I allowed him to drift in and out, along comes man no.2. He is kind. Thoughtful. Into my growth journey and his own. Similar interests. Communicative. Amazing with kids. From a similar upbringing. Friends with my friends. Good work ethic but still makes time to prioritise me and others in his life. Honestly he has become one of my dearest friends. But it begs the question… Why don’t I lust after all these amazing qualities?

Why do I want someone who doesn’t treat me respectfully or as a priority?

So as I ponder this for the billionth time in therapy my therapist says something interesting to me. Researchers have found that over 55% of all people actually have insecure attachment styles.

55%!

That is huge! Early on in the peace uncertainty is normal. But if you seek that drawn out, uncertain style dynamic; the will they call, won’t they? Will they behave respectfully when I’m not around?; Am I actually their boyfriend/girlfriend or not?; Where do I stand? Etc etc

If you get off on dynamics like this then you have an insecure attachment style and hence why the perfect on paper Mr actually probably should be what you want…. isn’t getting you to take that next step.

You, like me, crave the biochemical response your body gives you from riding the waves of the emotional tsunamis that the not safe person creates in us. It’s essentially an addiction. Not to the person though. Important to note. Because if your honest with yourself this would be a theme playing out through other scenarios in your life too. But it’s hard to realise that it’s not the individual you want when it’s such a strong positive correlation of time with them = lots of wild unstable, exciting and heartbreaking rides.

I’ve known this about myself for a while, but it was never more blatantly evident than this experience the other day. Without divulging Mr Oh So Sweets’ personal story, he alerted me to the fact that he may actually be in a scenario in which he would no longer be able to be as emotionally open with me. And in that moment as I sat across from him at the local pub, I instantly felt myself tighten.

He noticed it too. His exact words. “I’ve never seen you so defensive before!”

It was IMMEDIATE! As soon as I was told I wasn’t going to be prioritised, I moved straight into – now I want it!

Let me tell you, to catch yourself in that trip is an interesting, yet confronting place to be.

Luckily for me he is an absolute legend and I vocalised it straight away. He helped me talk it through.

Letting go of this shit will be a journey. It’s not going to be a quick fix. I’m still that little girl just trying to get my dad’s attention. This is how we all play it out.

So if the romantic dynamics you create are creating more thrills and pain, then stability and grounding then this ones for you.

And me. And apparently over 50% of us!

We all deserve good, real, healthy, long lasting love. In order to get it, I suggest you take a good, hard, long, honest look at your own shit first.

What is it exactly that you want? And if your attracting different to that then something you’re doing isn’t aligned to your soul.

If you want real. You gotta be real.

End of.

Love and light

Michelle xxx