Total Acceptance (1) – Jealousy

One of the toughest parts of learning to love ourselves in our entirety, is the complexity of self shaming. When we look outside of ourselves for validation or acknowledgment. When we look to society and our environment to dictate and mould how our lives should look. If we ourselves do not feel we measure up to these perceived ideals of our external environment, we tell ourselves there is something wrong with us. We tell ourselves we are not enough.

We all walk our own path. Have our own unique dynamics, experiences and lessons that help guide the lens in which we look at this world. In order to shift our perception from struggle, pain, fear and ego to light and love for all that is, we know that the first step to change is acknowledgement. This is well documented. Personal growth starts with owning your shit and the willingness to take action to change it.

However, often once we start to truly look into all parts of ourselves and what makes us tick we undoubtedly uncover deep parts within us that we don’t really like or want to own. These thoughts, beliefs, actions and emotions are equally a part of us as the cool, fun, shiny stuff we appreciate about ourselves; and behind the dark exterior, its power to propel us to the life we truly want is palpable.

So this week lets look into the emotion of JEALOUSY. This is a widely shamed emotion to express. Often called the root of all evil, a disease, a monster, a curse only experienced by those who have no self esteem. If you express jealousy, you are automatically seen as weak. It is almost a taboo emotion and one that triggers a huge amount of self shaming behaviours.

Unfortunately, the intensity is increased due to the double nature of the emotion in which we not only feel bad in ourselves for feeling that way but we are also harbouring negativity toward the person or situation we are in fact jealous of. Clearly, this results in one big cycle of negative energy and suppression.

As is my intention behind all that I do, I like to express something real. Something for you, the reader to connect to. To understand that I am speaking both from a place of knowledge and understanding. Something authentic and relatable. This week jealousy reared its intriguing head into my consciousness and I have had an interesting experience unpacking it.

This time it was amongst friends. Being the only single mum in the group and busy juggling all the things that I am choosing to do in this stage of my life, my social life has taken a bit of a back seat. And although I have chosen this, it did not help me rationalise why I was feeling left out and jealous when I did see my friends and I had no idea what most of the conversations were about. Plans were being made without me and group texts had differed to ones in which I was no longer included. As I was sitting at a dinner with them for the first time in a while and I wasn’t following any of the conversation, I began to feel that deep old emotion of jealousy rising up.

Now I would place bets that every single person reading this has experienced this feeling at one point or another. Some people feel it more often than others, and you know what? Thats ok!

The thing is, the friendships, careers and romantic partners we seek out as adults are not by chance. We are drawn to or repelled from personality types and people based on the dynamics we experienced in our childhood years. It is this intricately amazing life that our unconsciousness weaves for us so we can be presented with situations that can keep us “safe” in our patterns of old. Or, when you are ready to look at it like this, give us the opportunities to grow and heal any parts of ourselves that are not fulfilled.

Jealousy will surface in situations in which these old wounds are triggered. And lets be honest it actually makes you feel yuk. Inside and out. Its one of the lower vibrational emotions so it makes sense that it just brings you down. You and those around you. Its heavy.

So if you add to the heaviness with more self blame, shame, misdirected anger and projection you will inevitably only add to its weight.

The only way to lighten the load of a low vibrational energy is to show it the light. Shower in it. Be honest with yourself. If you feel it come up, be compassionate. Ultimately, it is a small child part of yourself expressing that they are feeling insecure. That they are not feeling enough. That they need to be loved. Not shamed and pushed down or away.

Find a safe place and EXPRESS IT. Let it out. In a healthy way. Not screaming or sulking. This will only make you feel worse again. In my situation I chose to express it directly to those involved and it has been a great experience for my growth journey. But you may chose a professional, a safe friend or family member or even just acknowledging it to yourself and show yourself some love.

It never ceases to amaze me how the intensity of these emotions lessens immediately once we allow ourselves the space to express it. Without judgment. Then show gratitude for what you do have and feed the things in your world that bring you joy.

Jealousy does not make you evil. It does not make you a monster. It doesn’t mean you are cursed. It doesn’t make you all darkness. It makes you a perfectly divine soul just living out your journey in this human experience. Just like the rest of us.

Go easy on yourself.

Love and light, Michelle xxx

Sensational Story

So here’s something about me everybody who’s even been in the same vicinity as me knows; I am an amazingly EMOTIONAL being. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love huge and I also equally feel the lows. And through the outlet of the blog and by many other means on my personal journey, not only do I now FEEL all these emotions, I am learning to EXPRESS them as well.

Modern Western Society has many amazing qualities to it. But much of it is under and around the giant umbrella of conformity. Media, the digital world, and society “norms” are rife. We are told of the freedom of speech, yet many are alienated and ostracised for doing just that.

My kids unknowingly take part. They “need” to have the latest shoes, toys, trends that all the kids at school have. Their dad and I run them around to the 50 after school commitments they have fed by this massive FOMO (fear of missing out – for those playing at home) culture. NAPLAN testing came up in the parent information night the other night with strict words from the staff to not stress the children over it as they will not achieve their best results when feeling too much pressure. Half of the parents still got out their phones to take photos of the dates and starting madly jotting down notes for the upcoming tests. The kids are Year 3. Yes we are blessed to have the schooling system we do here in Australia but let’s let the kids be kids without instilling our fears and pressures onto them at such young ages.

So whilst my life has always been heavily loaded with emotions, being constantly told by so many around me that I’m, and I quote “too emotional” “too sensitive” “too insert whatever else projection or fear you like here” I have also until recently been fantastic at squashing the feelings down. Suppressing them. With the above comments constantly being slung me from my very early days by people who obviously just experience life differently to I, I took it on as my own stuff. And so in order to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted, I learned to suppress what I was really feeling or how I really wanted to express myself.

Most of us do this.

So when I broke through that barrier and the emotions started to flow out of me around this time last year, I’ve been on a roller coaster ever since. But the intensity of the roller coaster I have figured out is only perception.

So much of this holistic, spiritual, mindfulness, conscious living world can look a little distorted when you are in your shit. When you’re down and hurting and you just want to be validated and heard and held, you get onto your books, websites or social media pages and there it is. Meme after meme after quote after quote saying that the goal is to not attach yourself to the thought. Don’t attach to the emotion. Let the emotion sit out in front of you and notice it but don’t go into it. Om and Amen! You know what I mean. All beautiful necessary valid and inspiring stuff.

Until you’re in your shit.

Then it’s more like this. Piss off. Fuck this. I’ll never be able to do that. No one understands. But I feel it so much! Why does no one get it! Etc etc.

So I go to see Eryka with this exact same sentiment. And low and behold she comes back at me with yet another pearl of wisdom.

As I sift through my inner shit to release past hurts, habits and baggage to free myself, I am energetically coming across all the emotions I have long been suppressing. Western society and even the westernised mindfulness movement to a degree are not as accepting of this process as many other parts of the world. In European and South American culture it is ALL about emotions and feeling it! Emotions are celebrated not suppressed.

Put simply, a feeling will not be in you if it is not meant to be felt. Acknowledge it! Feel it! Allow it to be expressed and energetically it can then leave your body and give rise to space to fill with new light energy. We are all just energy. As simple and as complicated as that.

And as I was in my shit this day I said to her; “But I feel like I just really connect with sadness. Like I get it. I’m used to it. I know how to feel that feeling”

She looked at me. “Sweetheart… what do we say?…. where there is shadow there is light!”

Oh yeah I may have wrote about the duality and polarity just last week 🙊🙈

Then the real cake topper. It isn’t in the feeling the emotions… let that shit out! Suppressing only leads to blowing! But in the learning when to pull yourself up and out. She gave me this quote and I love it.

FEEL it. Don’t SENSATIONALISE it.

Ha! That’s exactly where I go. Into my inner stage show, singer, dancer, Audrey Hepburn impersonator and I can take it past the point of just feeling. I sensationalise it. Sit in it. Dwell in it.

I don’t want to change the fact that I feel things so deeply. In fact I love that about me. As much as I can feel the sadness I am equally capable of feeling and expressing the light. I always search for the silver linings in every situation. But I am known to sit in the story of it all.

I think if most of us were honest, we all spend a lot of time reciting reinforcing and replaying our story rather than living in the here and now.

So that’s maybe what those quotes can say.

Sure go ahead. Feel it. Feel it all. What is life without feeling? Emotions of all kinds are beautiful. Life is diverse. Things will come up. So feel it. Just try not to live in it. As the emotions will come and go. Your self worth and self love will be for life. Let yourself just be. You are more than your story you have created around yourself. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be and exactly who you are supposed to be right here and now.

Well that definitely sits better for me anyhow.

Love and light
Michelle xxx