Overcoming Life Sucking Fear

For most of us, fear rules our day to day lives. It is why we go to the jobs that we hate that don’t fulfil us. It is why we don’t tell our partners what we really want to say about what we need emotionally, spiritually, sexually, financially. It is why we continue the same old dynamics with our family members that leave us feeling frustrated and misunderstood. It is why we agree with our friends opinions out loud but not really in our guts, hearts and minds. It is why we attend things and do things that we actually don’t want to do. Or say things we don’t really believe. It is why most of us go into many day to day situations pretending to be anyone other than our true authentic selves.

Have you ever sat there and asked yourself why you do these things? Why you avoid the tricky conversations? Why you avoid standing up for yourself and imposing some healthy boundaries around your own personal needs and wants? Have you asked yourself if failure, rejection or change would actually kill you? Or why and when you decided that you didn’t matter enough to be heard, seen, loved and held exactly as you are? Or why you feel you are unworthy of living a life you actually passionatley desire to live?

So many of us struggle along in silence. Ticking the perceived needed boxes of what a majority of us call our lives. Relationship…Job…Social Status…Mortgage…Cars.. Counting down the days and minutes we get to clock off work. Leave the family to go see friends. Go on holidays. End the week. End the relationship. Find a relationship. Earn that money.

The “I’ll be happy when …” syndrome.

What if none of that stuff actually meant anything to you in your heart of hearts but you never actually took the time to ask yourself what it is that you do want and need in order to be truly fulfilled?

Susan Jeffers, author of international best seller, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway; gives the below list of examples of signs that can bring  our attention to what scenarios of our lives we are giving away our power and not taking responsibility of our own empowered option of choice.

Feelings of: anger, impatience, upset, joylessness, fatigue, blaming others, pain, attempting to control others, lack of focus, obsessiveness, self-pity, addictions, envy, judgmentalness, helplessness, disappointment, constant state of limbo, jealousy.

Are you feeling any of these in your daily existence? Be honest with yourself. It is actually exciting if you recognise it. Then you’re prime for growth and change. Well done you!!

I fucking jumped this year. Backed myself. I dove head first into an existence I didn’t even perceive to be possible until I started following my gut. Into my real passion and what drives me and what lights me up. The world of coaching, energy work and helping empower people to understand, heal and nourish themselves. And although I am growing exponentially as a practitioner and as a person I’d be lying if I didn’t say I still deal with fears on a daily basis. However I push through. Despite the ability for me to be even more rejected, have more chances to fail,  be judged, ridiculed and misunderstood more than I ever encountered inside the box that many know as comfortable, what allows me to say fuck the fear and do it anyway?

What do I think are some key elements to stepping into this type of courage as opposed to staying stuck in a life of paralysed fear and partial living.

  1. CLARITY: This does not mean a strict 5 year plan. Ha! I would run from that! I mean find something that lights you up! What does everyone always comment you are good at? Whats the activity or thing you do that helps you forget about all the bs in life? For me, I am clear on what I want and that is what I am going after. For me this clarity is in my chosen career. Life is a journey made up of many facets. Right now I am so clear on what brings me happiness and joy which is my chosen profession and personal growth journey and that is what I am focused on. Conversely in terms of relationships I am still unsure of exactly what I need and want so I have freed myself up to grow outside of that in something I am passionate about. Rather than doing what many of us do and hope that someone or something else outside of us will save us or fulfil us. The power is always within. Trust yourself.
  2. YOUR POSSE: Not always easy I know, but make a conscious effort to weed out the people that don’t make you feel good. If you are constantly dulling your shine or consciously changing your behaviour to fit in – this includes family and work – STEP BACK! I get sometimes stepping away completely is not an option but free yourself up from too much time in situations in which you can’t be your true self. This can be lonely at first I understand from personal experience. But then you get really into the space of being you and you’ll start vibing with and attracting the right crowd before you know it! Promise!
  3. VULNERABILITY: Huge. Massive. Ballsy. Freeing. Scary as FUCK. But oh so worth it. It relates to the above too. Once you allow yourself the space to be you and vibe with your people they will help bring your vulnerability out. Purely because you will feel safe and comfortable. This has been a HUGE one for me. Really letting people step forward. Help me. Save me. Be there for me. Allowing myself to be seen and heard and ask for help even though it is scary. But I took the time to learn who I am safe to do that with. And I have never felt more held, seen, raw, real and loved in my entire life.
  4. YOU TIME:  Check in time. Do the thing that calms you. Sit without distraction. Give yourself the space to differentiate between the voices in your head telling you bullshit and lies about you and allow the voice in your gut to deepen and get louder.  Be fearless in your own company. Allow yourself the time to sit with what you are feeling and work out where the voice of fear is coming from. As science has shown we are born with only two innate fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud sounds – you can bet your bottom dollar the voice telling you bullshit lies isn’t your own. Working out who’s it is gives you the capacity to realise that it isn’t yours and therefore you have the power to decide whether or not it is true for you. (FYI – its not, you’re more than enough) Trust yourself.
  5. MASSIVE IMPERFECT ACTION: All the gurus are using this phrase. Tony Robbins, Oprah,  Gary Vaynerchuk, Grace Lever. Just do something. Even a little thing. Research. Talk to people. Go to a workshop or class. Do a brainstorm or a vision board. Give yourself the opportunity to try. To test the waters. To feel what it feels like to go after what you want. And with every time you step into that space you get that little bit better at taking the leap of faith.

So for me… do I know how it is all going to work out? No. No I don’t. But I trust that it will. Even now when I sit in the fear I have never felt so sure of my path. I have never felt so alive and excited to wake up every day and put my heart and soul into everything I do. I have never before had this capacity to allow myself to be so open and seen and back myself all the way.

I have never believed in myself so much. And that is because I wasn’t being myself so how the fuck was I supposed to believe in that?

Now? Now I trust. And I truly want that for you.

Get in touch.

Love and light, Michelle xxx

http://www.soulboundtm.com

 

Loving Raw Honesty

Urgh! I’m in this really weird place right now. Not weird bad. Just like nowhere I’ve been before. It seems foreign. I’m fostering change one hundred and fifty million percent; but my body and spirit are so used to the old that I am like a seesaw just flip flopping around with two sides that are equal in weight. Both sides are getting a turn with no apparent end in sight as to wether the old habits or the new get to sit in top spot. My soul is screaming (I imagine it to be more of an intense yet breathy whisper) to be heard.

Im saying all the right things, doing all the right things (well to a point – it’s all relative) but I guess on a feeling level it hasn’t all translated down. Not surprising. I’ve put a lot of my life times and beyond energy into my old patterns. But fuck it’s weird – weird interesting not bad – to almost watch myself do what I do. It’s like I’m hyper aware of my actions but I’m not quite in control enough yet to channel them in the most appropriate way on some occasions.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I need to do everything the “right” way, coz what is that anyway? It’s different for everyone. But sometimes, when one goes out 4 nights in 1 week, emails exes, sits in a strangers car for 2 hours having a D&M, has a memory loss of another evening and then texts another ex, you may have to look at what is going on in ones head.

Ok, ok. Before you judge, tell me you are a saint. Tell me you have never made errors of judgement in your time. And you don’t know the whole story. But I’m trying to be real here. So I will now say what I’m going to say without fear of judgement. I’m saying this in the hopes that someone who reads this gets something from it and acts mindfully without being too toxic to themselves and others.

I still love my ex. There I said it. Well, you might think, derrrrrr… That’s normal. But I have lied to myself about it for ages. It happens. In the lead up, shits going down. He said, she said. He did this. She did this. Out of protection for ourselves we gather those around us. Loved ones choose sides and back you on your every move. You break up. People come out the wood works. They never liked your partner anyway. They knew they weren’t good for you. They did wrong by you. They let you down. You deserve better. You’re better off without them. How could they do that to you!? You all know what I’m talking about. We’ve all done it, and we’ve probably all been on the receiving end of it. It is 100% coming from a good place. Our loved ones don’t want to see us hurting and they want to protect us. Let us know they’re on our side. In the right. Anything they feel will help us to feel better. And if they were close to the partner, maybe help them grieve the loss too. And that’s lovely. Except that only the people we love can hurt us the most. Otherwise you don’t give a shit do you?

So it comes to that point where you know you have said too much. You’ve past the point of no return and your supporters would most definitely not be happy to hear that you are still feel sad about your loss. Because remember, ‘you’re better off without them.’ And essentially they are right. It if isn’t happening, it wasn’t meant to happen.

We all KNOW this, but what happens when you don’t FEEL this?

I guess that has been my predicament. Coupled with my feeling that I was never really given closure. Broken up with via a text message doesn’t really allow for that. So still 9 months on and another ‘boyfriend’ later, I still don’t feel like I can let it go. Not fully.

So what I did, was get in contact. I felt I needed to do it for me to get some answers. I mean, of course the option was there to ignore me, but he didn’t, he responded. A small exchange was had, which led to my previous post. I was still trying to justify to myself, that it was never real and clearly the notion of everlasting love is bullshit, when it seems to always end. It’s a hard one for me. I am a lover. I think the best of and see the best in everyone, but I have this intense fear I will never be loved always for simply being myself. So we create beliefs around our fears, to keep us safe from other alternate possibilities. Other perspectives. Other opinions. And other peoples experience of the same or similar situation. The stronger we hold on to an opinion, the bigger the fear behind it I am starting to suspect.

So what has blown me away, is how this context led to progression of events that are needling me to look at this for real.

1) Contact the ex

2) He responds

3) Spend a couple of days pretending I’m fine about it all and contemplating the offer to come face to face. Isn’t that what I was hoping for all along?

4) Old habits die hard. Don’t know how to deal, so go for a night out on the town. End up in a strangers car contemplating life’s big issues for two hours and still somehow manage to shoot off an email saying I don’t want to meet up with said ex as I’m confused how I feel. Also text current ex to say please explain. He too seemingly dropped off the face of the earth.

5) Wake to an angry response from old ex and a really real and honest response from current ex. It was just bad timing. Agreed. I mean listen to me (actually laugh snorted as I wrote that).

6) Proceed to spend the rest of the weekend without the kids trying to numb myself with food, drinks, trash tv and gossip so I don’t have to think about it.

7) Respond to the current exes text to say thank you but know on one level I’m trying to engage him again. Fear of being alone, or not being enough creeping in.

8) Go out again. Decide to leave at a reasonable hour though and come home to my quiet house alone.

9) Cried. Cried my little heart out. It’s actually huge. I think that’s why it was able to hold so many tears.

You see, it’s not that I want him back. I miss him yes. And we have a funny way of forgetting the real reasons that it didn’t work out. I know we are both exactly where we are meant to be. But through the process, the breakup, the heartache, the saving face, the defending my actions, the blame, the hurt, I forgot the love.

I loved that man. I still love that man. It doesn’t just disappear.  All the things I saw in him. Why I went through what I did to be with him. All the reasons I honestly thought he would be the man I would spend the rest of my days in this body with. They don’t just go away. Particularly when you’re not really dealing with the emotions in a proactive way. I need to let myself feel it. Acknowledge those feelings were real regardless of circumstances and outcomes. Because love, true love doesn’t see those boundaries. It doesn’t disappear because someone hurts you. It’s our mind that jumps in and puts up the walls of protection to attempt to stop the pain.

But walls only keep the hurt in and the love out.

So I am ready to be honest now. To feel it, look at it and eventually move on. He deserves that, my beautiful future husband to be deserves that and a million times over, I deserve it.

I have so much good to give when the time is right, and I’m really really ready to heal now. It’s definitely time.

Love and light to you all,

Much love, Michelle xxx