The Passion Path: Don’t Forget Your Why…

The Why… The reason that brought you to where you are. That feeling in your heart. In your gut. In your entire being. It makes your heart swell and your eyes dilate and the emotions wash over you like your whole body is filled with this sense of knowing. The sense that this is why you are here. This is what you what were made for. You know regardless of any logic or reasoning; that you are doing precisely what you were created to do.

If you are blessed enough to be one of those who has found your passion in life …. that thing, that someone, that experience, or that place, group or hobby – you know that nothing compares. Nothing can light you up the way that this does. It pumps through your veins and fills you with life affirming energy that spills out into everything you do.

Choosing this life – the passion path – is such an honour. Once you see it; no, once you feel it, it’s like you don’t have an option. It has called upon you. It has shown you the way from existing to living. This is a place there is no coming back from. And you wouldn’t have it any other way. The life you led before seemed to exist in a parallel universe. To another person, in another time. When you choose the passion path you are reborn. You’re awake. Alive. Fulfilled.

This path is simple to choose. But this path is not easy. It takes your all. Your full heart. Everything is amplified. You feel everything so intensely. You experience in technicolour. Your sensations are heightened. Your pleasure centres full. You breathe in its intensity and exude out its light and essence.

But when you truly give something your all, when you invest all that time, that energy, that power, that force, THAT LOVE… When you have this passion ignited inside of you, it also has the times where it’s beautiful intensity is what burns. It can be your unravelling. It can be your pain. Your breaking point. Your undoing.

The passion path is beautiful. It is for the courageous. It is for the inspired. The living. So when it is not going as you hoped, not as you had dreamed; Remember that along with the sheer wonder and beauty that this passion brings, it would not be so without it’s ability to scold you at times. It’s wondrous intensity goes both ways.

And in these times when your passion breaks you down; in this time when you lose your centre and understanding of how you came to be on this path. When all your sensations are overloaded and the senses are blurred –  this is when you go back to your WHY…Why you chose a life of living over a life of existing.

And allow it to ignite you over and over again.

Love always, Michelle xx

PS This passage was inspired by my father. Growing up, I could never understand why my father made many decisions that he did. Why he chose to spend all his time on the land with his cattle. Why he invested all of his time, energy and money into this part of his world that not only did I not really appreciate, I felt took away from his time with me. Over the years I resented this. I took it to mean I was not loved or important. I created my own set of beliefs around how this placed me in the world.

But now as I unravel all of my limiting beliefs and fearful perceptions and heal my relationship with myself and hence those around me, I can really see this for what it is. The most amazing gift my Dad could have given me. The understanding of passion and devotion to the parts of your world that light you up. That thing or person, that no matter how anyone else sees or experiences it – it doesn’t matter. It brings you joy, growth and understanding of your place in this world.

So thank you Dad for inspiring me to live my life with passion. To go for it when no one else gets it. Thank you for showing me that no matter how hard it appears to get, that without passion igniting my world, I would be purely existing. Not living.

Thank you for showing me what it takes to believe in myself despite all the odds and how to rise up again and again. Thank you for showing me how to love.

I love you. Happy Fathers Day.

Michelle xxx

 

 

Heart Chakra; SoulBound; Blog Post; Self Awareness

A Broken Heart Is An Open Heart

As we grow and become more self aware, the lessons we are here to learn seem to get somewhat easier. As you come into your truth, the synchronicities align and you flow at one with life.

In saying this, life is life and a blow to my heart this week had me physically hunched over and grabbing at my heart space as if I needed to support its weight.

I am an empath. I feel. It’s what I do. And I don’t do it in halves either. Everything is magnified in the most beautifully emotional of ways and I have learned to hold this part of me in high regard. In a world of people trying to zone out of their truth with deflection and numbing I am way more inclined to go in and figure out why it is being experienced the way it is. Hence my path of energy work and mind body soul coaching.
So when I received the validation I was still loved by the guy I wanted to hear it from I was outwardly trying to be cool. I mean I know the roller coaster we have joined each other on. But inside I was clutching. Will this time be different? Will he really hold true to my interpretation of the true meaning of these words and hold the space that comes along with it? Has he finally seen that I am an important part of his life and he is willing to risk his fears and put himself in the arena? Was he finally ready to be truly vulnerable?
So I laid in hope. Waiting with baited breath for the next conversation. And in less than a 24 turn- around he had again expressed that he was not ready to be in that with me. And you know what? It’s ok. I already knew deep down that that was the outcome and that this was how it was going to play out.
But that knowledge doesn’t stop the pain of a broken heart does it? It doesn’t stop you wanted to curl up stay in bed and replay all the things that maybe could’ve changed the outcome. This time however, I can see what needs to be different.
As well as the usual, needing to give myself more love,  acknowledge I am seeking outside validation and all the growth and awareness I have acquired around these “I am not enough” trigger points, this time I decided to do this different. This time I was going to really process it. Like fully. How many fucking times have I lived this cycle in my days and I have never been rewarded with the outcome I so strongly desire. To be loved and shown love by the man of my choosing without any conditions.
So time to heed my own advice: If you always do what you always did; then you’ll always get what you always got.
What is the first thing we often experience in times of pain? Like when something emotionally rocks us? We feel it in our body don’t we. You physically react. Face in hands. Hand to heart. Aching stomach. Headaches. Tiredness. Numbness. Out of body experiences. Shoulder tension. Any massive number of ailments. Physical markers that your energy, emotional and spiritual bodies are struggling to integrate the energy playing out within and around you.
And as these stage scenes are more often than not just replays of the same energy patterns just with different co-stars and sets, we take it on as further evidence to support our beliefs that life is exactly how we perceive it to be.
It is the cold, unloving, unfair, uncertain, unsafe environment we have designed it to be. And in that we are living as reactive egos that have disempowered ourselves to the act of choice. We ALWAYS have the power of choice.
So when he muttered the time old words down the phone that things had indeed not changed, I physically recoiled and once again I wanted to myself shut down. I felt myself deciding that this just further proved I was simply never enough for someone. That I was not loved unconditionally and that no one will love me just for being me.
But for me this time I could clearly see I had a choice to make. Sounds easy right. Until you’re in it. However this time, I was responsive. I have chosen to keep my heart open. I acknowledged him and his feelings. It is his journey after all. I acknowledged that we are indeed wanting two completely different experiences when it comes to love. I acknowledged that I am not what he needs in his experience any longer as much as he is no longer what I need. We learnt our lessons. It is time to let go. But this holds no bearing at all to either of our worth. I, and he, will be more than enough for the right person. And I am more than enough in myself.
So challenge. Next time you feel yourself physically respond to an emotional situation; or next time something emotional comes up – stop, shut your eyes and scan through your body. What exactly are you feeling and where exactly are you feeling it? The answer to this tells me a lot about where the belief sits in you and where it was acquired.
So I laid there. I felt it in my stomach (childhood belief – self worth), I felt it in my heart (yearning, repeated learnings, self love needs to be activated), then I gave myself Reiki to ensure my energy was flowing. Then I did a guided mediation around opening the heart chakra and allowing myself to both give and receive love. Then I anchored it into my body with a beautiful song that I know the day I get married will be in our ceremony playlist.
This doesn’t necessarily have to be the actions you take, this works for me. But the point is to remain open. Breathe life into that space. Fill it with the energy of life. The breath. Self love. Faith that everything is happening exactly the way it needs to be just for you. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.
The shift isn’t necessarily around it not hurting any more. We are human. You should be concerned if you don’t feel your emotions. The shift is around me realising that it is not me that is not enough. It is the situation that is not enough for me.
Keep your heart open. Have faith. You are always enough. You always have been and you always will be. All you have to do is allow the energy to flow.
Give and receive in balance.
Love and light,
Michelle xxx

Direction

I crack me up. I have had some time over the last few days to reflect on the year that was and whats to come and for the first time ever, I read back through this whole blog. Wow, I have come such a long way in such a short time. The bit that made me laugh was how obvious the cycle of my repeating thought patterns is. And that last one where I was all like “ I will rise to the challenge of going home and facing certain dynamics and reactions” …Yeah that didn’t play out quite the way I had imagined.

In some ways being on the other side of the country to everyone from my past has it’s benefits. I am not consistently put into situations that make me face what was. However, when you do go back, boy oh boy does that shit feel AMPLIFIED. Particularly when you are making such massive shifts and you all have to figure out the new dance steps. Don’t get me wrong, my family were amazing and I am so happy I got to spend time with them but it brought everything to the forefront of my mind. My conscious state is at a level of awareness that my brain has decided now is the time to deal and heal.

My therapist explained this phenomenon to me in regard to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When she first got me to open up regarding some of the painful past experiences, namely the physical, sexual and emotional abuse, my body could not cope and it was like an out of body experience. I shut down. I couldn’t focus on her or what she was saying or to stop myself bawling and shaking. It was quite frightening. Because I was accessing memories that I had repressed. I needed to repress at the time as I wasn’t ready to deal. I was in survival mode. But bringing it all back in that moment, my mind believed it was happening again and I couldn’t cope. This was some months ago and slowly I am able to breathe and talk some of it through. Very slowly. Some sessions I go in and talk about other things as my conscious state at that moment in time is not in a place to release the trauma. Bless her heart she just allows it. An amazing therapist, she knows when to prod and when to allow me to go.

So knowing where I am right now in my healing process, I decided before I left I was going to do a little self healing whist I was there. I wanted to bring things to the surface to look at, feel, and essentially when the time is right – let go for good. Namely, confront some places that I had tried to pretend no longer existed. There were three places I felt I had to go. One was the site where I lost someone dear to me. Loss and abandonment are big triggers for negative thinking for me. One was a house in which my first long term boyfriend had broken my spirit and trust in him for the first time – and many times after that – and the last was a place where a majority of the sexual abuse occurred. I couldn’t quite bring myself to go there directly so I sat on the beach below and meditated.

After some time, I opened my eyes to watch the waves crashing on the rock face. Every set got bigger and as the salt water sprayed my face and body, I imagined that all the sadness and pain was being washed away. I know the fear and sadness is still there but it is time to deal with it head on now. I often speak like it happened to someone else. Or preface everything with a “but I’m fine” or whatever. Truth is, I feel like I am only truly dealing with it all now. And it will take time. But I am here for me now like never before.

So then I looked up the beach. I spent many many days of my life hanging on this very beach. I could see my high school. Great memories for the days when I attended. Best canteen food ever! I could see where I was taken to the police station for wagging and drinking on the last day of year nine. (Funny in hindsight – well even at the time except to my parents). I could see where my friends and I would go skinny dipping. I could see where my friend had her beautiful wedding photos taken. I remembered how my friends and I would spend hours just lazying around, riding our pushies, swimming, gossiping, walking from party to party and just being teenage girls experiencing life together. These are the type of memories I want to focus on when I think of this spot. Where my focus goes, energy flows.

So I decided to spend New Years on my own this year. Bit of a self challenge I guess. But I wanted to wake up fresh and clear. Exercise and look after me and my inner child. She has been at the forefront of everything I am doing now. So as the clock past midnight, I lay in bed. And I began to speak to my little Michelle. I may sound crazy but it all seemed really normal. I apologised for not being there for her. For abandoning her when she needed me most. For masking her pain and fear with drugs and parties and silly dramas just to avoid what I really needed to look at. And from somewhere deep inside me two fat tears welled up and ran down my face. She needed to know that. And we both felt a great sense of relief.

So even though already 2017 hasn’t been smooth sailing – I lost my bank cards (worst time of year to do that), locked myself out of my house and seem to have a bit of a cold – I remain in the state of mind that this year can be nothing but an improvement on the past. As I am here for me. And I am already setting it up as a year to remember. I am taking MASSIVE IMPERFECT ACTION and launching my website. Well as soon as the ban gets lifted from my domain because I forgot to verify it. HAHAHAHA me and technology. We are slowly building a relationship but it’s a slow journey. But it’s ready to go and will be up in the next 24-36 hours according to WHOIS.

So as I sat here writing this blog. I decided to pull me an Oracle Card surrounding my next step. The website. I pulled DIRECTION. This is what it meant.

DIRECTION: Life’s Path / Moving Forward / A New Approach

Everyone feels foggy, lost or stuck at some point in their life. Hitting a crossroads can be confusing. This card reminds you that the path you are on is the right one. There is something positive and new on the horizon even if you can’t see it yet. You are divinely guided to move forward with a situation – even if it means taking a new approach concerning one aspect of your life. Trust that you are where you are meant to be on life’s path.

And trust I do.

Love and light
Much love, Michelle xx

Loving Raw Honesty

Urgh! I’m in this really weird place right now. Not weird bad. Just like nowhere I’ve been before. It seems foreign. I’m fostering change one hundred and fifty million percent; but my body and spirit are so used to the old that I am like a seesaw just flip flopping around with two sides that are equal in weight. Both sides are getting a turn with no apparent end in sight as to wether the old habits or the new get to sit in top spot. My soul is screaming (I imagine it to be more of an intense yet breathy whisper) to be heard.

Im saying all the right things, doing all the right things (well to a point – it’s all relative) but I guess on a feeling level it hasn’t all translated down. Not surprising. I’ve put a lot of my life times and beyond energy into my old patterns. But fuck it’s weird – weird interesting not bad – to almost watch myself do what I do. It’s like I’m hyper aware of my actions but I’m not quite in control enough yet to channel them in the most appropriate way on some occasions.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I need to do everything the “right” way, coz what is that anyway? It’s different for everyone. But sometimes, when one goes out 4 nights in 1 week, emails exes, sits in a strangers car for 2 hours having a D&M, has a memory loss of another evening and then texts another ex, you may have to look at what is going on in ones head.

Ok, ok. Before you judge, tell me you are a saint. Tell me you have never made errors of judgement in your time. And you don’t know the whole story. But I’m trying to be real here. So I will now say what I’m going to say without fear of judgement. I’m saying this in the hopes that someone who reads this gets something from it and acts mindfully without being too toxic to themselves and others.

I still love my ex. There I said it. Well, you might think, derrrrrr… That’s normal. But I have lied to myself about it for ages. It happens. In the lead up, shits going down. He said, she said. He did this. She did this. Out of protection for ourselves we gather those around us. Loved ones choose sides and back you on your every move. You break up. People come out the wood works. They never liked your partner anyway. They knew they weren’t good for you. They did wrong by you. They let you down. You deserve better. You’re better off without them. How could they do that to you!? You all know what I’m talking about. We’ve all done it, and we’ve probably all been on the receiving end of it. It is 100% coming from a good place. Our loved ones don’t want to see us hurting and they want to protect us. Let us know they’re on our side. In the right. Anything they feel will help us to feel better. And if they were close to the partner, maybe help them grieve the loss too. And that’s lovely. Except that only the people we love can hurt us the most. Otherwise you don’t give a shit do you?

So it comes to that point where you know you have said too much. You’ve past the point of no return and your supporters would most definitely not be happy to hear that you are still feel sad about your loss. Because remember, ‘you’re better off without them.’ And essentially they are right. It if isn’t happening, it wasn’t meant to happen.

We all KNOW this, but what happens when you don’t FEEL this?

I guess that has been my predicament. Coupled with my feeling that I was never really given closure. Broken up with via a text message doesn’t really allow for that. So still 9 months on and another ‘boyfriend’ later, I still don’t feel like I can let it go. Not fully.

So what I did, was get in contact. I felt I needed to do it for me to get some answers. I mean, of course the option was there to ignore me, but he didn’t, he responded. A small exchange was had, which led to my previous post. I was still trying to justify to myself, that it was never real and clearly the notion of everlasting love is bullshit, when it seems to always end. It’s a hard one for me. I am a lover. I think the best of and see the best in everyone, but I have this intense fear I will never be loved always for simply being myself. So we create beliefs around our fears, to keep us safe from other alternate possibilities. Other perspectives. Other opinions. And other peoples experience of the same or similar situation. The stronger we hold on to an opinion, the bigger the fear behind it I am starting to suspect.

So what has blown me away, is how this context led to progression of events that are needling me to look at this for real.

1) Contact the ex

2) He responds

3) Spend a couple of days pretending I’m fine about it all and contemplating the offer to come face to face. Isn’t that what I was hoping for all along?

4) Old habits die hard. Don’t know how to deal, so go for a night out on the town. End up in a strangers car contemplating life’s big issues for two hours and still somehow manage to shoot off an email saying I don’t want to meet up with said ex as I’m confused how I feel. Also text current ex to say please explain. He too seemingly dropped off the face of the earth.

5) Wake to an angry response from old ex and a really real and honest response from current ex. It was just bad timing. Agreed. I mean listen to me (actually laugh snorted as I wrote that).

6) Proceed to spend the rest of the weekend without the kids trying to numb myself with food, drinks, trash tv and gossip so I don’t have to think about it.

7) Respond to the current exes text to say thank you but know on one level I’m trying to engage him again. Fear of being alone, or not being enough creeping in.

8) Go out again. Decide to leave at a reasonable hour though and come home to my quiet house alone.

9) Cried. Cried my little heart out. It’s actually huge. I think that’s why it was able to hold so many tears.

You see, it’s not that I want him back. I miss him yes. And we have a funny way of forgetting the real reasons that it didn’t work out. I know we are both exactly where we are meant to be. But through the process, the breakup, the heartache, the saving face, the defending my actions, the blame, the hurt, I forgot the love.

I loved that man. I still love that man. It doesn’t just disappear.  All the things I saw in him. Why I went through what I did to be with him. All the reasons I honestly thought he would be the man I would spend the rest of my days in this body with. They don’t just go away. Particularly when you’re not really dealing with the emotions in a proactive way. I need to let myself feel it. Acknowledge those feelings were real regardless of circumstances and outcomes. Because love, true love doesn’t see those boundaries. It doesn’t disappear because someone hurts you. It’s our mind that jumps in and puts up the walls of protection to attempt to stop the pain.

But walls only keep the hurt in and the love out.

So I am ready to be honest now. To feel it, look at it and eventually move on. He deserves that, my beautiful future husband to be deserves that and a million times over, I deserve it.

I have so much good to give when the time is right, and I’m really really ready to heal now. It’s definitely time.

Love and light to you all,

Much love, Michelle xxx