Life is grand… everything is going along exactly as I had hoped and planned. I am kicking goals and ticking boxes left, right and centre. It has been so much growth in such a short time, and this week I stepped it up a notch again. I signed with a mentor that will push me and help me fill the gaps in my business knowledge. I was asked to join a social therapy group team and I ran my first solo workshop.
However in the back of my mind, I am acutely aware at this point in time I am scared, no TERRIFIED, of my greatness.
I see an amazing Kinesiologist. One of my many mentors and teachers. She came to see me as a client and had a great session but what she said to me after resonated as I knew it was the truth. She commented that she could FEEL I was shielding some of my light. Like I was holding back. Not completely stepping into my power. A theme that has run through my life.
Up until recently I, like many, was comfortable living in victim mentality. Where life just happens to us and we really don’t have any control over our outer circumstances and how we think and behave. But lately it hasn’t been enough for me anymore and I have thrown myself into life where I am creating the reality that lights me up.
That being said, the rest of your life, patterns and experiences don’t just disappear and today it all welled up. All the what ifs. What if I am not good enough? What if I fail? What if I succeed but nobody I love is ok with my new life? Why is it so hard for me? Why does everyone else seem to get it easy?
It is amazing the bullshit that we throw into the mix when we are bashing ourselves up.
So reluctantly, I took myself out of the house to go to a coffee date I had organised many weeks ago. My first ever client, now friend, that was my guinea pig for my Super Soul Sessions. Two seconds in she could see I wasn’t myself and honestly I wasn’t doing a great job of pretending otherwise. Despite the fact we are now friends, I still put all these expectations on myself as to how I “should” behave in front of her.
But I was in it and as unbelievably uncomfortable as it made me, the self proclaimed “fixer” in the dynamic, I wasn’t in a space to pull myself up. So she whisked me out the cafe door to go and find nature.
As we walked along and she made small talk as I gave nothing back, she stopped and began to chuckle. I looked up. “You’re fucking kidding me!” I proclaimed.
There right in the window of a random store on the side of the road was a giant rug. In coloured writing it simply said “Open Up Your Heart”. “Well I have to say, you always get such clear signs from the universe Michelle” she said.
Well that was it. I began to cry. We walked a little further until my tears turned into sobs and I sat myself down on a tram stop bench. She sat next to me as I lent over and cried on her shoulder.
We sat in silence for a bit. Then as if I was sitting with Yoda, she began to speak.
“You know your intuition is quite remarkable Michelle. You sat yourself down in front of a building site. Look at all the big signs right in front of you! It is so relevant!”
We began to laugh. The signs were like “Take care – deep excavation in progress” “Safety Gear Required At All Times” & “Under Construction” – These signs were like a metaphor for my life right now.
As we giggled and sat with the sun on our faces the wisdom and beautiful insights poured out of her. And as I sat there and lapped up all the golden insights and different perspectives on how my journey is going, the resounding feeling was gratitude. Gratitude for her. Gratitude for the words. Gratitude for the lessons. Gratitude for my humaness.
Regardless of who you are, your title, your role in the dynamic or whatever other labels or boxes you put around yourself. You are having a human experience. And every single one of us is capable of teaching all the rest of us a thing or two.
When you allow yourself to open and be your authentic self, the lessons flow your way thick and fast and all those empty spaces no longer seem so dark and vast.
Be open to connecting and learning. Always. Every single soul has some beautiful wisdom to bring to the world that could in a second, change yours.
Love and light