Connecting With Connection

Connection. The premise behind everything I do. The reason for me creating this blog. Creating SoulBound. My growth journey.

Although as a fellow human, I still have my own ongoing work around this concept; this word “connection” brings up such an emotive energetic and bodily response for me every time.

I realise to others I am not always the easiest of people to work out. I can appear to be overly complicated. Highly emotional. Contradictory is also a term I have been told. As I unravel my experience and work out what makes me tick and ride the waves I can understand how this would be others perceptions. And that is honestly perfectly ok. I no longer need or want to be everyone’s cup of tea. An affirmation of late: What others think of me is none of my business.

But everyone wants to fit in somewhere. Everyone wants to be a part of something. Every single person wants to be loved. Understood. Cared for. Needed. Wanted. Involved. Connected. Everyone.

I have not always felt this way in life. In fact even though I am loud, friendly, emotional, open and social on the surface, I often have felt a huge disconnect between myself and the rest of the world. Even as I have embarked on this journey of self discovering, I have encountered many many situations in which I have not felt a part of this spiritual world.

This is what I seek to bring. I don’t think you need to (nor do I care if you do) wear all hemp products, be vegan, only be positive, be into crystals and oracle cards, do yoga, etc etc. All the cliches of the spiritual realm. I want to encourage people to throw them out the window. Some of these things I do love. Some I may grow to love. My point is it doesn’t matter. You are enough and worthy of connection just as you are.

The absolute LAST thing anyone who embarks on finding out what makes them tick is to feel not a part of the possibilities such enlightenment can bring. What I am saying is eat your kale chips and practice your meditation but don’t judge others for not doing that. Its their journey. And I believe as an “enlightened” individual; one would be aware of that and spread love always. Regardless of preferences. Allow others into your world. Share your knowledge. As the end goal is that we all come together and help to create a better world, so lets be open and receiving to the oneness that that brings.

I walked into a local spiritual shop today and although I am starting to feel a lot more at home in this space, I have often wondered why it is that these type of shops always have that very similar sort of style or look to them. Very busy, yet simplistic. The chakra posters on the wall. The crystal cabinets. The ornaments. The music. The burning incense. The room in the back for the personalised readings. The ornaments are often ethereal or childlike and the concept almost appears so far from our actual outside realities that it can seem a little far fetched. And I do wonder if that is part of the reason why the skeptics find this so hard to embrace. Yet as I am slowly learning more and more I am realising that there is indeed a reason for all of it. It is no coincidence that the idea is to pull you into that nurturing, calming, imaginative, ethereal, childlike experience and get you to look at those parts of yourself. As it is often in that period of our time in our body that we abandon honouring ourselves in order to be a part of our external experience. An almost false sense of connection if you will. Or connecting with ego over soul.

Despite that I still think it would not hurt to change it up a bit. Make it all more accessible for all walks of life. And this in lies part of my vision for my future. I want to bring connection into my life and the lives of others. And the two key things I feel my direction and the lessons I will share with others will take is

  1. Primarily connection will come from within. Knowing, but more importantly FEELING this connection within you is in my opinion the primary step. It will be a lifelong journey with ups and downs but there comes a point in the growth journey where you start to turn to yourself. Once you are comfortable in that space with yourself you will only feel secure in your choices about how, who and what to let in. This will disable the fear aspects because you will feel confident in trusting your own inner wisdom to guide you to make these often seemingly quite large life decisions.
  2. Vulnerability. This is a tricky one for many of us. And it will be fluid with the above concept as it will guide the lessons and it’s outcomes. But there is such a HUGE power in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. This will flow easily when the above internal connection is present but in the mean time, fear of letting down our walls can often take over. How many of us in our day to day lives know we are going into multiple situations in love, life and work not showing our authentic selves. When we allow fear to take over it becomes an emotive response. So in times like this it can be beneficial to switch to the rational brain to gain or access knowledge and perspective. This particular TED talk is gold in relation to this exact topic and showed up in my world six years ago through a psychology class. Funnily enough this exact talk has been brought to my attention multiple times over the years since by different sources. If you haven’t seen it or any of Brene Browns work, I HIGHLY recommend you get amongst it.

I am only just bringing to light the depth of my own fears around being vulnerable. For as I connect further inward I am now making the right choices about who I surround myself with. The people who show me so much love, care, information and tools for growth that I am beyond excited to be able to pass this learning and experience onto others.

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are WORTHY of love and belonging” ~ Brene Brown

Love and light always,

Michelle xxx

 

 

Something Just Like This

It was just one of those weeks….Coming into the new moon and possibly not having all my ducks in a row, I started to get battered.

A few weeks ago I mentioned there was about to be a big change. Well it all sort of fell in a heap this week. Or so it seems. Lack of communication leads me to believe that. An opportunity for some big change didn’t come my way despite all signs pointing to the fact it would. Never mind. Wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t lose anything by putting myself out there. I just gained an experience.

Add to that, I am still grieving the loss of that special someone. Definitely honestly my biggest hurt. Then I had a BIG unexpected financial issue. Old ex in-law family stuff came ringing my phone. The old ex started his in your face public displays of affection with his new early 20 something and I cut my finger on a sauce bottle, almost knocked myself out and got an egg head from walking into a fridge door at work and lost one of my new beautiful birthday gifts. Needless to say I was feeling a little hard done by.

Practice what I preach right!? Gratitude and acceptance and letting go. Well yes, that would be the obvious thing to do but as I also say; you can’t force someone to change if they are not willing to look at it truthfully.

In saying that sometimes the universe has other plans. It is my belief in those times of your life where everything seems to be stacking up against you; as big or as minor/annoying as these things might be, it is the universe trying to tell you something. And being that the universe/god/energy/source is the higher power, it knows best. So even when us down here on Earth in our little human, ego bodies try to ignore the signs, the universe goes “Awww isn’t that cute” and ramps it all up a notch. As we like to call it in Consciousness Coaching “stacking the pain”.

We as humans are wired to avoid pain more than we look to seek pleasure. So even if we know on a deep level something is better for our true self, but the ego is screaming out in fear, we will choose the path of least resistance and go with what we know. The old way. The way we’ve been conditioned since birth. We plod along in that mode until its our turn and a series of things or something big happens that we just can’t ignore. Then it is up to us how quickly we take the bait. Do we keep on trying to act out the old way because -DAMN IT – it always worked before (even though you know truthfully it didn’t or there wouldn’t be pain) or do you lean into the fear and allow true change to take shape. Something that is more aligned to your true wants, wishes, purpose and desires?

I still ebb and flow… even once awake, majority of us do. There are so many layers. But I do feel this series of events and annoyances and injuries this week was the universe stacking my pain. Making my norm more uncomfortable as it is time for me to move on from here to bigger and better things. Now I just need to open myself up to it and allow.

So lets work back through this systematically shall we.

  1. The birthday gift. Possibly a heartbreaking reminder to take more care. Slow down. Appreciate the little things. I actually thought to myself when I put it on – it was a bracelet – that I didn’t know if I clipped it right. But I was in a rush so instead of checking I winged it. And now I pay the price:( Lucky I’m not an aeroplane engineer. LESSON: Slow the fuck down, pay attention to the things that matter. It was sentimental and now it is gone because I was careless.
  2. The egg on my head from the fridge. Well honestly I was distracted by hot chips, which I still managed to eat even when I was on the floor holding my head. But again     LESSON: Slow the fuck down. I was snacking on hot chips because I never break at work and stop to look after myself. Most days I don’t eat lunch. I am too busy trying to please everyone else I forget about myself. I matter too!
  3. The cut from a sauce bottle lid. I mean does an injury get any more lame than that? LESSON: As above. Slow down. Pay attention.
  4. Stalking exes profile on Facebook to find photos and over the top displays of affection to the new target. I say target as I know this is his cycle and my rational self understands the psychology behind it. My emotional self did not. I was essentially aiding the universe in the whole stacking the pain process here. I went into why does he get to be happy blahblahblah……. Everyone deserves to be happy. Even him. LESSON: Pay attention! But not to others. To myself! My self worth was low. As it has been my whole life up until I recently started fighting for it. This was my old ways looking to make a reappearance. BE VIGILANT!
  5. Ex in-law money issue coming up. Sent me into resentment, anger, abandonment and jealousy. Didn’t love writing those things about myself but hey like I said I believe in order to make change you need to be 100% honest. And I felt all of those feelings in a very strong way. But when I can rationalise it, these events around the financial side of things have occurred in cycles multiple times. I need to look into it. LESSON: Pay attention! (I know you can see the theme here!) Slow down. Look at it. Really look into it. The thoughts, feelings and emotions behind it. Give myself a true opportunity to work through it, heal it and let go of it so I can move forwards for good.
  6. Another money blip. Relates to the above. I am attempting to better myself in this area of my life but seemingly I still have a lot to learn. This was a frustrating hiccup. LESSON: As above. Slow the fuck down and pay attention. I am more than capable but I need to allow myself to succeed. Stop the self sabotage.

But as I was driving back tonight after having to run the kids around to do something to deal with my just mentioned error, I was beyond frustrated. They were both talking at me and I was just completely zoned out. Ethan grabbed my phone and put on a song. I am amazing at visualising. I can create an entire alternate reality in my mind and FEEL like I am in it. It is definitely my creative super power. And as the song started to play I took myself to this place. This place where I am truly aligned to my soul. I am living out my purpose and I am at piece with all of the parts of me.

I turned to Ethan and I said “It has to be me. If I want this, if I truly want this, then I have to get up and do it. I know I don’t want the struggle anymore. Im done! Im done! I want it all out!”

I was starting to yell. He’s used to me. He had a big grin on his face and he said “THEN YELL IT OUT!” “SCREAM!”

So we did. We all wound down the windows and really let go. Like totally went for it. We yelled and screamed and sang and laughed. And it felt really bloody cathartic. My heart was bursting after that. What a beautiful thing for him to encourage me to do. And we all felt better for it. I always say better out than in. But I don’t always practice it.

The words….it really connected. As I always say music is amazing for that. I was in my aligned future and these were the words playing…The old me doubting, scared, resisting and the new me nurturing those fearful parts of me and leading me into the dream. My future. Telling me I am everything I need to be. Hope it can take you away to your place of soul too.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

Love and light,

Michelle xxx

 

Attached To Detached

You know those moments when you catch yourself and you go “WOW…. that’s definitely something I need to work through”..? Well I had a ripper this week!!

And as usual the universe offered up some interesting little tid bits along the way.

So if you have read any of my blog before you will know I’m not so lucky in love. Not that luck has anything to do with it mind you. But I tend to be attracted to and tied up in scenarios that are bound to not play out well.

From talking to other singles and even some coupled up crew of late, there is definitely a vibe out there that relationships are nowhere near as simple as they used to be.

For singles there are options galore. Bars, pubs, concerts, parties, online dating, set ups, work colleagues, one night stands, friends of friends, friends partners …. you name it, it all goes down. Chatting recently with someone I hadn’t seen for a while and it was quickly clear we were both surrounded by breakups, affairs, mental illness, heartache and other painful tales.

So what is happening out there that is making this whole connection business so god damn hard?. Are we all that fearful of actually letting our guards down that we’d prefer to be eternally bullshitting our way through scenarios that are bound to not work out.

Well I know this is true for me. And I didn’t really own that until I actually had what I can only describe as an out of body experience in which I watched myself actually act it out. I wasn’t quite strong enough to stop myself but I was immediately openly shocked by my reaction.

So I’ll set the scene. There have been two men in my world for a while now. Not essentially seeing or dating either but they have both made multiple appearances over the last 12 months or so.

One I have known for a year. We met. It was passionate. It was fun. Exciting. And we both ended up a bit enamoured. Well for the first 5 months or so anyway. Then as things got a bit more serious I honestly don’t understand what went down. Communication became less and less and we drifted. It hurt. A lot. I’ve always understood the reasons for the end of other relationships but this just didn’t make sense.

So when I would hear from him it became and unhealthy dynamic of me desperately trying to do whatever I could to get back to where we mysteriously left off. Not a good look and never plays out well.

But as I allowed him to drift in and out, along comes man no.2. He is kind. Thoughtful. Into my growth journey and his own. Similar interests. Communicative. Amazing with kids. From a similar upbringing. Friends with my friends. Good work ethic but still makes time to prioritise me and others in his life. Honestly he has become one of my dearest friends. But it begs the question… Why don’t I lust after all these amazing qualities?

Why do I want someone who doesn’t treat me respectfully or as a priority?

So as I ponder this for the billionth time in therapy my therapist says something interesting to me. Researchers have found that over 55% of all people actually have insecure attachment styles.

55%!

That is huge! Early on in the peace uncertainty is normal. But if you seek that drawn out, uncertain style dynamic; the will they call, won’t they? Will they behave respectfully when I’m not around?; Am I actually their boyfriend/girlfriend or not?; Where do I stand? Etc etc

If you get off on dynamics like this then you have an insecure attachment style and hence why the perfect on paper Mr actually probably should be what you want…. isn’t getting you to take that next step.

You, like me, crave the biochemical response your body gives you from riding the waves of the emotional tsunamis that the not safe person creates in us. It’s essentially an addiction. Not to the person though. Important to note. Because if your honest with yourself this would be a theme playing out through other scenarios in your life too. But it’s hard to realise that it’s not the individual you want when it’s such a strong positive correlation of time with them = lots of wild unstable, exciting and heartbreaking rides.

I’ve known this about myself for a while, but it was never more blatantly evident than this experience the other day. Without divulging Mr Oh So Sweets’ personal story, he alerted me to the fact that he may actually be in a scenario in which he would no longer be able to be as emotionally open with me. And in that moment as I sat across from him at the local pub, I instantly felt myself tighten.

He noticed it too. His exact words. “I’ve never seen you so defensive before!”

It was IMMEDIATE! As soon as I was told I wasn’t going to be prioritised, I moved straight into – now I want it!

Let me tell you, to catch yourself in that trip is an interesting, yet confronting place to be.

Luckily for me he is an absolute legend and I vocalised it straight away. He helped me talk it through.

Letting go of this shit will be a journey. It’s not going to be a quick fix. I’m still that little girl just trying to get my dad’s attention. This is how we all play it out.

So if the romantic dynamics you create are creating more thrills and pain, then stability and grounding then this ones for you.

And me. And apparently over 50% of us!

We all deserve good, real, healthy, long lasting love. In order to get it, I suggest you take a good, hard, long, honest look at your own shit first.

What is it exactly that you want? And if your attracting different to that then something you’re doing isn’t aligned to your soul.

If you want real. You gotta be real.

End of.

Love and light

Michelle xxx

Two Things That Tell You You’re On The Right Path

How does one know one is on the right path?

This question is a loaded one. So many factors come into mind when this was posed to me. But as I continue on this journey of self discovery, I am beginning to truly understand and believe the answer comes down to two simple things.
Synchronicities and Self Belief.
Let me explain. Synchronicities are when events in your life seem to all start to come together. They start to align. Shifts in your perception of things are happening at the same time to coincide with events or moments in which you make a choice (usually multiple choices) that lead you down a path of exposure, learning, reflection, growth and change. This may sound so deep but to simplify the concept this even relates to changing your mind about a certain food.
One day you’re adamant you hate mushrooms but then you try them at the right time, in the right place, with the right atmosphere, in the right dish and all of a sudden BAM! Mushrooms are your new favourite and you can’t believe you were so closed off to the idea of them! They’re delicious!! And packed full of nutrients that nourish your body.
But you would never have “known” this had the sequence of things leading up to you trying mushrooms again happened.
Ok maybe not life changing. But healthy nutrient rich foods are good for the mind, body and soul. I was just attempting to simplify the idea.
Mainly due to the fact I get accused of reading into things too much. Over thinking. But again if you think I’m over thinking how beneficial mushrooms are 😆 expand your mind to a bigger scenario in your life. If you are fighting something that shouldn’t be, it will be displayed in your every day as a constant struggle. Energy sucking. And you will constantly be questioning yourself over it. Now this is not to say that picking the right path for you will be easy. It will most probably require you to give something up. It will possibly require hard work and multiple sacrifices. But when everything is lining up the synchronicities are hard to ignore and the pain of continuing as you once did is far greater than the percieved losses to follow your souls urges.
For me the belief that EVERYTHING happens for a reason is directly related to my ability to deal with the hardships I have faced. For if it didn’t happen for a reason; why did it have to happen to me? What did I do so wrong to deserve some of the hurt and pain that has come my way? And for the many people I have spoken to going through trauma or hardship, this belief becomes quite a resounding truth to most. There must be a takeaway lesson or it has all happened for nothing. And that is harder to come to terms with.
Despite this, I never say anything is gospel. You’re welcome to believe different. But I believe in the picture bigger than just you and me. I believe it is all connected and that life is a series of lessons, all for the greater good.
So synchronicities. These babies have been popping up left, right and centre for me at the moment. There is an exciting new direction I have opened my mind to that I will write about next week that I feel is going to be a game changer. It’s all about the growth journey and this one will both challenge me and pull me way outside my comfort zone.
Again synchronising with this big decision, is my participation in a coaching course challenge put to us by the course developer. It’s brilliant. It’s the FUCK FEAR CHALLENGE. Every single day we have to push through a barrier/fear and then post about it on our group page. Seemingly big all small, we write it out.
We hold each other accountable and encourage each other’s progress.
Let me tell you it’s been going for a week and it’s been INSANE!! Talk about accelerated progress. For all involved.
Whether we are willing participants or not, being amongst a team of others and wanting to hold your end of the bargain is an epic driving force for recognising when fears come up and acknowledging you are the only thing standing between you and want you want. Honestly give it a go! Message me even! I’ll hold you accountable!
All of us in just 1 week have had some HUGE wins. And this is where one builds Self Belief.
Self Belief and true confidence (not ego driven confidence) comes from over coming things you once were too fearful to accomplish. You stop looking for outsode validation and you do what feels right. Seriously who gives what others say. Is it their experince? No! Let them have their opinions. Thats their right. But it should not influence you trusting your own gut. And once the balls rolling it feels so empowering you want to keep it going! Fear is totally an illusion in almost all cases. It is simply what stands between you and your dreams.
True story.
Now don’t misunderstand. I don’t think one day it all just clicks and there you are with your shit all sorted. Even through each win the road is littered with massive lessons and moments when you’re questioning why the fuck you’re putting yourself through this. But when your heart is in it for the greater good, you always win. From a soul level. And I think now I have my goals in my heart, pushing through my fears to get there, seems just that little bit less relevant than it all once did.
Now it’s easy to trust I’m on the right path!
Exciting!
Love and light,
Michelle 💖✨

Takes One to Know One

The above title is a classic saying from my youth. Valid. What we see in others exists in us; you can’t bullshit a bullshitter and all that..
And it’s true in our dynamics with others. But it’s also so true for the relationship we have with ourselves. And it’s amazing the webs of deceit, drama, confusion and BS the trusty old ego can weave within our minds.
I’ve been a bit quiet on the blog front of late. And feeling a bit stagnant in what I wanted to say. People around me have always been quite encouraging and I have had some beautiful self growth, appreciation and reflective moments through the year I have been blogging. But it hasn’t been flowing. And I knew this. And as all things the more you realise it and think about it, the more it shows up in your world. But the last straw for me came at an engagement party on Saturday.
Celebrating love, surrounded by love and having the time of our lives… a couple of champagnes in and we hit the dance floor. The heels came off and we went for it. As all my key girls in my life do. And as I spun around grinning from ear to ear I noticed we had been joined by a fellow West Aussie I hadn’t seen in forever. So as we grabbed each other to twirl around she says to me… “I want to hear all about your blogging! Tell me everything!”
So after a brief chat reciting what I have told myself I need to say, I was feeling a bit of an off feeling in my gut. Like I wasn’t entirely painting the whole picture of where I was at with it. So I said “I’ve been a bit quiet of late though….” Straight away she quipped “I’ve definitely noticed”… Then all of a sudden Backstreet Boys comes on and the conversation was clearly finished. But I was left with something to ponder.
This phenomenon I am really starting to pick up on. The stories we have around situations in life. You can hear when someone has told the story multiple times. The perfectly timed joke, or punchline, or worded phrases to ensure the message we want to portray is getting across. Rather than checking in to see if the story still fits where we are as an ever evolving changing dynamic person.
So here’s a story I often say in regard to myself….. I’m often all gung-ho about things in the beginning. I love to start with a bang. I get in and under and immerse myself into whatever I am doing. But then I get to a certain point with things and I pull away. This is true in career decisions, relationships and finances. It is definitely a pattern in my life.
But when I stop to look at this story I tell myself and others, I’d say there has been multiple reasons for this. Sometimes I realised it just wasn’t right for me.  Sometimes what resonated at one point in my journey ceased to gel once I’d learned the lessons I needed to learn. The practice of not attaching ourselves to anything is pivotal as nothing is ever forever. And this doesn’t have to cause fear.
But I’d say more than any of this it’s actually what I’m coming to realise is that I am actually fearful of success. I am scared shitless of my own shininess. Because when I catch glimpses of it, it’s so bright I think it will scare others off or they won’t like what they see and I’ll be left all on my own. For some reason we seem to want to dull others shine more than we want to build them up for fear that their shine will detract from our own.
Completely impossible by the way. As long as the intentions are pure it will only add to the light this world so deeply needs.
So for weeks now, I have barely written. And in that time TV snuck back in to an all night routine, all my meditations were guided as I wasn’t trusting my own ability to take myself to that place, procrastination has been at an all time high and I dare not look at my budget.
I was starting to let my self doubt creep in. See the deal is it is seemingly much easier to stay stuck than it is to change. Not surprising. Change won’t occur until you stack enough pain into a situation that it literally pushes you to adjust your perspective or belief system around the way you operate.
So as the old me reliving the above story that I must have just reached that stage I always do where I’ve peaked and now it’s time to step away, this time around I can see that as no longer serving me.
I want this too much. I want it for me. For my family. For my soul. To see it out and fulfil my purpose as I feel it to be in this stage of my journey.
The alternative no longer adds up. Stay stuck in an unfulfilling life cycle or push through the fear and have a red hot go at creating the life I want to live.
So now it’s time to turn the TV off for a bit. Live my existence. Put myself out there again. Continue on this journey. Even if it’s just baby steps, but consistent forward motion. Because sitting around wishing it would change and wondering why it hadn’t to the extent I wanted it to is not action. It’s contemplation.
The vision and dream is one thing but you’ve still got to go out and get it.
So stack the pain and against the old ways and push through the fear.
Give yourself permission to be the brightest shiniest version of yourself. You’ll be amazed at what you can achieve. Don’t let the ego tell you why you can’t/shouldn’t/didn’t/won’t.
You never have a dream you can’t realise. Know that.
The rest is all bullshit.
Love and light
Michelle 💖✨

Sensational Story

So here’s something about me everybody who’s even been in the same vicinity as me knows; I am an amazingly EMOTIONAL being. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love huge and I also equally feel the lows. And through the outlet of the blog and by many other means on my personal journey, not only do I now FEEL all these emotions, I am learning to EXPRESS them as well.

Modern Western Society has many amazing qualities to it. But much of it is under and around the giant umbrella of conformity. Media, the digital world, and society “norms” are rife. We are told of the freedom of speech, yet many are alienated and ostracised for doing just that.

My kids unknowingly take part. They “need” to have the latest shoes, toys, trends that all the kids at school have. Their dad and I run them around to the 50 after school commitments they have fed by this massive FOMO (fear of missing out – for those playing at home) culture. NAPLAN testing came up in the parent information night the other night with strict words from the staff to not stress the children over it as they will not achieve their best results when feeling too much pressure. Half of the parents still got out their phones to take photos of the dates and starting madly jotting down notes for the upcoming tests. The kids are Year 3. Yes we are blessed to have the schooling system we do here in Australia but let’s let the kids be kids without instilling our fears and pressures onto them at such young ages.

So whilst my life has always been heavily loaded with emotions, being constantly told by so many around me that I’m, and I quote “too emotional” “too sensitive” “too insert whatever else projection or fear you like here” I have also until recently been fantastic at squashing the feelings down. Suppressing them. With the above comments constantly being slung me from my very early days by people who obviously just experience life differently to I, I took it on as my own stuff. And so in order to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted, I learned to suppress what I was really feeling or how I really wanted to express myself.

Most of us do this.

So when I broke through that barrier and the emotions started to flow out of me around this time last year, I’ve been on a roller coaster ever since. But the intensity of the roller coaster I have figured out is only perception.

So much of this holistic, spiritual, mindfulness, conscious living world can look a little distorted when you are in your shit. When you’re down and hurting and you just want to be validated and heard and held, you get onto your books, websites or social media pages and there it is. Meme after meme after quote after quote saying that the goal is to not attach yourself to the thought. Don’t attach to the emotion. Let the emotion sit out in front of you and notice it but don’t go into it. Om and Amen! You know what I mean. All beautiful necessary valid and inspiring stuff.

Until you’re in your shit.

Then it’s more like this. Piss off. Fuck this. I’ll never be able to do that. No one understands. But I feel it so much! Why does no one get it! Etc etc.

So I go to see Eryka with this exact same sentiment. And low and behold she comes back at me with yet another pearl of wisdom.

As I sift through my inner shit to release past hurts, habits and baggage to free myself, I am energetically coming across all the emotions I have long been suppressing. Western society and even the westernised mindfulness movement to a degree are not as accepting of this process as many other parts of the world. In European and South American culture it is ALL about emotions and feeling it! Emotions are celebrated not suppressed.

Put simply, a feeling will not be in you if it is not meant to be felt. Acknowledge it! Feel it! Allow it to be expressed and energetically it can then leave your body and give rise to space to fill with new light energy. We are all just energy. As simple and as complicated as that.

And as I was in my shit this day I said to her; “But I feel like I just really connect with sadness. Like I get it. I’m used to it. I know how to feel that feeling”

She looked at me. “Sweetheart… what do we say?…. where there is shadow there is light!”

Oh yeah I may have wrote about the duality and polarity just last week 🙊🙈

Then the real cake topper. It isn’t in the feeling the emotions… let that shit out! Suppressing only leads to blowing! But in the learning when to pull yourself up and out. She gave me this quote and I love it.

FEEL it. Don’t SENSATIONALISE it.

Ha! That’s exactly where I go. Into my inner stage show, singer, dancer, Audrey Hepburn impersonator and I can take it past the point of just feeling. I sensationalise it. Sit in it. Dwell in it.

I don’t want to change the fact that I feel things so deeply. In fact I love that about me. As much as I can feel the sadness I am equally capable of feeling and expressing the light. I always search for the silver linings in every situation. But I am known to sit in the story of it all.

I think if most of us were honest, we all spend a lot of time reciting reinforcing and replaying our story rather than living in the here and now.

So that’s maybe what those quotes can say.

Sure go ahead. Feel it. Feel it all. What is life without feeling? Emotions of all kinds are beautiful. Life is diverse. Things will come up. So feel it. Just try not to live in it. As the emotions will come and go. Your self worth and self love will be for life. Let yourself just be. You are more than your story you have created around yourself. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be and exactly who you are supposed to be right here and now.

Well that definitely sits better for me anyhow.

Love and light
Michelle xxx

I Told You So – Sincerely, Your Intuition

And then as ‘they’ say, eventually you just get it. The realization doesn’t make everything better. It doesn’t take away the challenges of life. But one day when you’ve just had enough of feeling sad and hurt and down, you make the courageous decision to just let it go. Set it free. Decide to stop beating yourself and others up that things didn’t work out how you thought they should and you just decide to let it all be. 

For my challenges have never been with anyone else anyway. They’ve always been with myself.
I have been so unbelievably flat of late. You know those periods in life where you don’t even want to be around yourself. Frustrated at feeling lost, confused at why… nothing was making sense to me. So I ran to the familiar. I ran to what I know. But that didn’t match up either, because the truth is I’ve changed. I mean I’m continually changing; let’s call this one an actual baseline shift. And boy was I fighting this one!
Pellowah. I attribute a great deal of this particular shift to you coming in to my life in a stage where I had already set the scene. I can not explain it but on one level I knew I needed this course in my life. So I go along. I’m attuned. And from then, two weeks ago until, honestly, today – I haven’t known what the fuck was going on with me. Inspired yet more scared than ever. In love yet more guarded. Heightened awareness yet so mind boggling confused I couldn’t even decide what to eat for dinner.
But I’ve been shifting. My sense of intuition was blossoming and because I have always squashed it down to make room for the 16 billion emotions I can experience in any given day, I didn’t know what to make of it. My soul was all like ‘Heyyyyyyyy I’m finally rising to the top and now you’re going to hear me whether you think you’re ready or not!’
Funnily, but never surprisingly, signs about intuition have been going off like little fire crackers all around me. I started to visualise things during Reiki but couldn’t quite work them out (hint don’t try it makes them go away or get foggier). I have been acting upon contacting some people when they come into my field of vision and I’ve been on the money every time. I was randomly gifted a mauve opsidium crystal (known for aiding in accessing and strengthening your connection with intuition) by a customer at work upon mentioning I also do energy healing. My mentor wrote this brilliant article on further developing intuition – take a read.
People kept telling me to listen to my gut (almost daily by different people, even strangers) and a package I received in the mail told me to ensure I keep my third eye open. Synchronisities my friends. This is not by chance or coincidence. Themes in life always happen for a reason.
So I was trying to make sense of all of this. But more so than ever, rather than go inward to look for the answer, I externalised. I fought for love in places it wasn’t freely given. I pushed away others that were trying to be there. I asked my oracle cards questions every opportunity I had. I asked everyone for advice. I struggled to write a blog post (normally you can’t stop me!) I went down into the emotions and searched desperately for someone or something to pull me out. Patterns I have done before.
But this time was different. This time that little voice inside was louder than ever and this time it was pushing back. And it was stating that this time it has had enough! It knows it’s shit and I better start listen to it in order to get the life I want to lead. This intensity will remain in and all around me now until I surrender. Surrender to myself.
It’s quite mind boggling really. The only thing between us and the life we desire is ourselves. No one and nothing else. With each decision to be true to you, your power grows. And as Eryka says in the above article; sometimes it’s really bloody inconvenient. But I am clearly finding the price I have and continue to pay when I don’t listen far outweighs a little bit of perceived inconvenience.
So yeah. It’s a pretty big time for me right now. And I tell you what, it seems to me there’s a necessary shift happening in many of us. The collective consciousness. It’s an exciting time to be alive and I for one am honoured to be a part of it all.
Raise it up folks!
Love and light, Michelle xx

Monochrome Existence

MASSIVE IMPERFECT ACTION

This statement has been highlighted and popping up everywhere in my world this year. From my mentor Eryka Stanton. Online female entrepreneur master Grace Lever. Memes. The Chinese Year of the Fire Rooster. It’s all about just doing it. Push through the uncertainty and fear and get it done. It’s a numerological and astrological “1” year and it’s all about new beginnings. Love this little clip below. It gets me excited and ready to get going.

But as with any action there is an equal and opposite reaction. A polarity. Duality. The shadow and the light. And I have never seen anyone just breeze through a life change without at least a flicker of holy shit can I really do this?

Since I wrote my last post two weeks ago so much has been happening. I completed the study component to my Consciousness Coaching course, I was attuned to channel the Palloweh energy healing modality, I got another step into another project I have started and am super excited about and I strengthened bonds with some key people in my world. LOTS of action. And lots of positive action. But I hands down 100% got writers block and despite all that was going on I could not think of anything to say. And I missed this reflective platform. But the thought of doing it was causing me to get a bit anxious.

Then when I went to discuss a space to do my therapies from and got greeted with a barrage of limiting beliefs I wasn’t expecting my confidence got a bit shook up. Things such as people don’t believe sharing of Reiki energy should be charged for; it taken our only other practitioner 12 years to build her client base, no walk ins want life coaching. Etc etc. Basically through obviously her experience (valid) and her beliefs (also valid to her but not gospel) she had unknowingly just demotivated me from coming to work from that centre. What I thought and felt from all other contact was going to be a mutually beneficial relationship just took a really big turn. If I don’t feel supported there it’s time for a change of plan.

But as I left and went to have dinner with a friend I was having a bit of a rant. This interaction had triggered a shadow aspect in me. I was defensive. I was ranting. I was deflecting the feeling and fear of am I capable, am I worthy, onto this scenario and allowing myself to take one persons opinion (albeit someone whom I respect) and make it mean that I won’t succeed in this world.

And putting that kind of energy out there can only equal instant blockages on attracting the beautiful souls I really want to be working with.

It’s a tough gig sometimes. It’s a bit scary. I don’t always know what the fuck I am doing. But I do know it feels right. I do know I help people. I do know it’s coming from a place of love and genuinely wanting to support others through hardships, growth and change. Like the special souls that have helped me. But life is reality and I also need to provide for myself and my children. So putting myself in an unsupportive environment will not help to facilitate that.

I just have to trust that the universe knows what’s right. I’ll find my space. I have a feeling it’ll be when I least expect it. But for now a little polarity on the last two weeks. A bit of reflection. Self care. Long baths. Self love. And a shit load of practicing my own tools and modalities on myself 😆

Just keep swimming crew. Others inability to see your worth in no way reflects upon you. But how you chose to react to that does.

This is my mantra for the week and beyond.

Love and light to all,
Michelle 💗✨

But Where Does It Go?

I feel like it’s been ages now since I’ve written something light and easy breezy. I feel like I want to do that. For a multitude of reasons. But I don’t feel light and easy. As I sit down to write this, and I’ve left it all week because it’s been hectic and now it’s Sunday night and I’m flat. Again. Like seriously …. Again! Pull yourself out of it Michelle! I’m the only one who can, I know that, but this one is heavy and it’s taking a toll.

I spoke a few weeks ago of my first spiritual guide. He used to speak of the Three Rungs of the Ladder to the space of enlightenment. Now this is completely my perception of what he meant but the first rung is around awareness and a genuine connection to the feeling of creating inner peace. I do feel I have taken this on board in my soul. And beyond to a degree. But I also vividly remember him saying that we always feel our shit the hardest and deepest right before a big change. A little push or shove in the direction to greater consciousness. But this one feels like a massive truck full of hippos sitting on my physical body and all of my energy space around me. It feels HEAVY!

Now I’m not sure how others experience this. Please share if you would like it always helps to feel like you’re not alone or going crazy. But I really feel the different weights or imprints of different energies. And I am also starting to become acutely aware of visions during meditation and particularly whilst giving Reiki to myself and others. I’m not afraid as such but I know I’m going through a massive shift in consciousness and so in a way it’s scary. No I’m bullshitting. I’m freaking out to be real.

Not really for what’s to come. That’s ok. But for what is not coming with me. It’s almost like I have come to a point of no return right now and life as I know it is over. Please understand I know it will be ok but the FEELING that it’s going to be ok hasn’t caught up. My monkey mind is trying to pull me back to what I know. It’s grasping at people places and situations that don’t serve me.

This week I acted out. I tried to lie to myself I was ok about seeing someone I hadn’t seen in a couple of months. You know they popped up again and I told myself this time would be different. Of course I’ll go to dinner with you. But a couple of champagnes in and I honestly felt my brain snap. What the f**k are you doing Michelle!?, it screamed. You know how this ends. This is not a safe place to rest your weary soul. And honestly I was an almost instant mess. I actually had a movie moment and got up and walked out of the restaurant.

Now completely NOT his fault. He is honest that he’s not emotionally available. I am the one who is willing to butt my head against the same old brick wall over and over and over because I pull what I want to hear out of the conversation rather than what is being said. I’m not saying it’s my fault either, but why am I pursuing someone who will never let me in? I don’t have to be a superhero and work him out or break through his walls or show him how special I am and then hopefully maybe one day he’ll truly love me back and see my worth. IM TIRED! I honestly can’t be f**ked with it anymore. It hurts. I am hurting myself.

I am seeking in a partner what I always knew as my first male female dynamic. The relationship I had with my dad. And when I was a child he was completely emotionally unavailable. Not at all his fault. He did the best with what he knew. And he is a deep kind thoughtful and intelligent man. And our dynamic is changing. Dad and I are good. I have laid to rest my issues with feeling I didn’t get what I needed back when I was little. So its time for my adult self to catch up. To stop recreating these patterns for my future. All my partners have been either that way inclined or completely obsessive and possessive or combinations of both.

I want someone, yes. And all of the changes that are happening in my world feel like they would be just that little bit more awesome if I had someone to share them with. Love makes the good that much better and everything else seem small. But I don’t have that right now. Well not in a romantic sense. But if I step back from that, it’s so clear how I’m just scared of this next step. This next massive step up that ladder. But when I stop grasping so tightly and I let myself leap I know there is a pure moment awaiting me.

That beautiful moment when you allow a real change into your soul. It’s a moment of pure stillness. A moment in which you can truly appreciate the absolute nothing it brings. The space. The lightness. Where did that heavy energy go? That we hold onto so tightly. Where did it come from? Why did it mean so much to us? Yet now it has simply gone. Shifted. Moved on. Dissipated. Just writing this my focus changed and I felt the energy shift. It simply blows me away with pure gratitude and amazement every time. Where your focus goes, energy flows.

Regardless of whether you consider yourself spiritual or not I would think that has to raise some really interesting questions to ponder. Thoughts are merely suggestions. Emotions are just acting upon those suggestions and beliefs are made for perceived survival.

Yet real living comes when you just let it all go. So breathe Michelle and just say Fuck It!

Leave what is not working behind. Make space for the new. Allow myself to move in the direction that momentum is taking me anyway. Stop kicking and screaming and running back to the real place of hurt out of fear of the unknown. Because let’s be real, I wouldn’t be on this journey if the past worked out for me would I!

Ha! I just giggle snorted. And finally, I feel the light and easy breezy returning. What an amazing journey I am on.

Love and light, Michelle xx

Speaking My Truth

This week I feel like a bit of a raging banshee … I was telling people off left right and centre. Calling people out on anything and everything and at the same time buried inside my seemingly never ending stream of thought. One of the girls I work with even walked up to me on Wednesday and just from nowhere goes “just LET IT GO!” and turned on her heel and walked back off. I just stood there for a second a bit shocked but then called out after her ..”yeah you’re spot on!”

You see I’m usually quiet sweet and a little cheeky and sarcastic but at the same time on the rare (although becoming less so) occasion when I call you out, I’m not joking. I feel it’s a right of passage with people who care about each other and I always take it when it comes back at me. It’s mutual respect. A way we can grow together. If we both chose.

So the first call out came on Sunday after an uncomfortable experience for me on a recent night out. The second at work after some discouraging comments were made and some unsupportive behaviour occured re: my new career direction. But these were all pretty quickly discussed and smoothed over. Everyone was willing to listen to each other’s point of view.

But, with the full moon on Thursday this energy in me PEAKED!!! My day was fine. Quite uneventful in fact. But as it drew to a close and I went to get my babies off their Dad after not seeing them for 2 weeks, one comment from him was all it took for the tide to turn. And no it’s NOT that time of the month. You’d think 2 kids, 2 step kids and 3 serious relationships later he would know better than to think that was the smart thing to say in response to my snapping. Well clearly he didn’t. So when I got the suitcase home and he had put two kids runners full of beach sand on top of all the clothes boy did he cop an abrupt text!

Honestly and not shockingly it had nothing to do with the shoes. Their dad and I are good a majority of the time. In fact our relationship is better now than it’s ever been. Together or apart. So I had to look at why he had set me off. But before I could get to that place of reflection, I wandered into my daughters room to see a friend I had previously let stay who I hadn’t heard from since she left and was pretty upset about, had seemingly been and grabbed some of her stuff whilst I was out with the spare key she still hadn’t given back.

I saw red. It’s such a trigger for me now. To me and where I’m at it is just complete and utter complacency and disrespect for the boundaries I am strongly asserting around myself. Or as I kept writing to everyone NOT OK. And just because I was on the bandwagon my ex copped an earful too about waiting 10 days to get back to me re: a lock code when I locked myself out on New Years Day. Turned out it was an honest mistake and I overstepped the mark. But I was on a roll….

Now I know ideally, I would gather myself figure out exactly what is going on inside and then calmly tell the other party what I need to say. But I didn’t. To me the world was throwing me triggers left right and centre and with everything I’m going through healing wise I am happy I’m learning to stand up for myself. I’m taking my own advice from posts past to not demonise these emotions I am feeling. And the interesting part to me is the ones who love me really, even if they’re on the receiving end are encouraging me to do just that. Speak my truth.

Just last week I acquired and workshopped a new tool in my soul coaching journey. Boundaries and Speaking Your Truth were two of the 12 dimensions. They all play off of each other. Just like life. Just like the complex human form. We have so many elements to our psyche and they are all affected by one another. I could establish boundaries but in order to maintain them I am having to learn to speak my truth. Ideally calmly and assertively. But as with any new skill, no one masters it straight off the bat. So when I perceived earlier that afternoon that baby daddy was pushing my boundaries on flexibility with the kids routine, my defences flew out of my mouth like a fighter jet at war. Further evidence that anyone’s reaction to anything is purely a window into exactly where they are at in themselves at that point in time. Because honestly, what he said wasn’t even that bad now I have had time to digest it.

However, in that moment it triggered my fight or flight. And once I decided to step in the ring I wasn’t leaving it at one opponent. Nope. It takes me a fair bit to get to that place but when I’m there I’m IN it. But you have to understand that in my perception the reason so much of the past abuse has occurred is purely down to my lack of boundaries. Now I have worked so hard to establish those, you threaten them and I essentially feel like you are threatening my survival. And particularly when you’re in your stuff, perception is a funny thing.

So what broke it? It was actually my ex. He diffused me. Acknowledged me, apologised, explained and then made me giggle because he asked me to stop yelling even though it was all via text message. But what I guess I am grateful for was the respect he showed in that moment for my speaking my truth to maintain the integrity of the boundaries I had created between us. Even though I didn’t go about it in the most appropriate way (hence the stop yelling lol) he got it. And if you read this… thank you.

What’s my point? There are so many in this I don’t know what to pin point.

– Go easy on yourself. Your reactions are necessary. But always reflect on your behaviour and feelings. Try to pin point the beliefs behind them.

-Go easy on others. Don’t personalise their reactions to make it your issue. Tell them you love them and you hear them and their feelings are valid. Or just walk away and let it go. It’s not your stuff.

-There is no way the moon cycles do not affect us. No way.

-Those that are supposed to be in your life, in whatever way they are supposed to be in your life, will be.

-I am me. I’m doing the best I can with what I know. I’m proud of where I am at and I won’t apologise for my journey.

And nor should you. And there is always right now to make the choice to be happy, or try again, or let it out, or just BE. No pressure, just loads of self love.

Much love, Michelle xx