As we grow and become more self aware, the lessons we are here to learn seem to get somewhat easier. As you come into your truth, the synchronicities align and you flow at one with life.
In saying this, life is life and a blow to my heart this week had me physically hunched over and grabbing at my heart space as if I needed to support its weight.
I am an empath. I feel. It’s what I do. And I don’t do it in halves either. Everything is magnified in the most beautifully emotional of ways and I have learned to hold this part of me in high regard. In a world of people trying to zone out of their truth with deflection and numbing I am way more inclined to go in and figure out why it is being experienced the way it is. Hence my path of energy work and mind body soul coaching.
So when I received the validation I was still loved by the guy I wanted to hear it from I was outwardly trying to be cool. I mean I know the roller coaster we have joined each other on. But inside I was clutching. Will this time be different? Will he really hold true to my interpretation of the true meaning of these words and hold the space that comes along with it? Has he finally seen that I am an important part of his life and he is willing to risk his fears and put himself in the arena? Was he finally ready to be truly vulnerable?
So I laid in hope. Waiting with baited breath for the next conversation. And in less than a 24 turn- around he had again expressed that he was not ready to be in that with me. And you know what? It’s ok. I already knew deep down that that was the outcome and that this was how it was going to play out.
But that knowledge doesn’t stop the pain of a broken heart does it? It doesn’t stop you wanted to curl up stay in bed and replay all the things that maybe could’ve changed the outcome. This time however, I can see what needs to be different.
As well as the usual, needing to give myself more love, acknowledge I am seeking outside validation and all the growth and awareness I have acquired around these “I am not enough” trigger points, this time I decided to do this different. This time I was going to really process it. Like fully. How many fucking times have I lived this cycle in my days and I have never been rewarded with the outcome I so strongly desire. To be loved and shown love by the man of my choosing without any conditions.
So time to heed my own advice: If you always do what you always did; then you’ll always get what you always got.
What is the first thing we often experience in times of pain? Like when something emotionally rocks us? We feel it in our body don’t we. You physically react. Face in hands. Hand to heart. Aching stomach. Headaches. Tiredness. Numbness. Out of body experiences. Shoulder tension. Any massive number of ailments. Physical markers that your energy, emotional and spiritual bodies are struggling to integrate the energy playing out within and around you.
And as these stage scenes are more often than not just replays of the same energy patterns just with different co-stars and sets, we take it on as further evidence to support our beliefs that life is exactly how we perceive it to be.
It is the cold, unloving, unfair, uncertain, unsafe environment we have designed it to be. And in that we are living as reactive egos that have disempowered ourselves to the act of choice. We ALWAYS have the power of choice.
So when he muttered the time old words down the phone that things had indeed not changed, I physically recoiled and once again I wanted to myself shut down. I felt myself deciding that this just further proved I was simply never enough for someone. That I was not loved unconditionally and that no one will love me just for being me.
But for me this time I could clearly see I had a choice to make. Sounds easy right. Until you’re in it. However this time, I was responsive. I have chosen to keep my heart open. I acknowledged him and his feelings. It is his journey after all. I acknowledged that we are indeed wanting two completely different experiences when it comes to love. I acknowledged that I am not what he needs in his experience any longer as much as he is no longer what I need. We learnt our lessons. It is time to let go. But this holds no bearing at all to either of our worth. I, and he, will be more than enough for the right person. And I am more than enough in myself.
So challenge. Next time you feel yourself physically respond to an emotional situation; or next time something emotional comes up – stop, shut your eyes and scan through your body. What exactly are you feeling and where exactly are you feeling it? The answer to this tells me a lot about where the belief sits in you and where it was acquired.
So I laid there. I felt it in my stomach (childhood belief – self worth), I felt it in my heart (yearning, repeated learnings, self love needs to be activated), then I gave myself Reiki to ensure my energy was flowing. Then I did a guided mediation around opening the heart chakra and allowing myself to both give and receive love. Then I anchored it into my body with a beautiful song that I know the day I get married will be in our ceremony playlist.
This doesn’t necessarily have to be the actions you take, this works for me. But the point is to remain open. Breathe life into that space. Fill it with the energy of life. The breath. Self love. Faith that everything is happening exactly the way it needs to be just for you. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.
The shift isn’t necessarily around it not hurting any more. We are human. You should be concerned if you don’t feel your emotions. The shift is around me realising that it is not me that is not enough. It is the situation that is not enough for me.
Keep your heart open. Have faith. You are always enough. You always have been and you always will be. All you have to do is allow the energy to flow.
Give and receive in balance.
Love and light,