You know those moments when you catch yourself and you go “WOW…. that’s definitely something I need to work through”..? Well I had a ripper this week!!
And as usual the universe offered up some interesting little tid bits along the way.
So if you have read any of my blog before you will know I’m not so lucky in love. Not that luck has anything to do with it mind you. But I tend to be attracted to and tied up in scenarios that are bound to not play out well.
From talking to other singles and even some coupled up crew of late, there is definitely a vibe out there that relationships are nowhere near as simple as they used to be.
For singles there are options galore. Bars, pubs, concerts, parties, online dating, set ups, work colleagues, one night stands, friends of friends, friends partners …. you name it, it all goes down. Chatting recently with someone I hadn’t seen for a while and it was quickly clear we were both surrounded by breakups, affairs, mental illness, heartache and other painful tales.
So what is happening out there that is making this whole connection business so god damn hard?. Are we all that fearful of actually letting our guards down that we’d prefer to be eternally bullshitting our way through scenarios that are bound to not work out.
Well I know this is true for me. And I didn’t really own that until I actually had what I can only describe as an out of body experience in which I watched myself actually act it out. I wasn’t quite strong enough to stop myself but I was immediately openly shocked by my reaction.
So I’ll set the scene. There have been two men in my world for a while now. Not essentially seeing or dating either but they have both made multiple appearances over the last 12 months or so.
One I have known for a year. We met. It was passionate. It was fun. Exciting. And we both ended up a bit enamoured. Well for the first 5 months or so anyway. Then as things got a bit more serious I honestly don’t understand what went down. Communication became less and less and we drifted. It hurt. A lot. I’ve always understood the reasons for the end of other relationships but this just didn’t make sense.
So when I would hear from him it became and unhealthy dynamic of me desperately trying to do whatever I could to get back to where we mysteriously left off. Not a good look and never plays out well.
But as I allowed him to drift in and out, along comes man no.2. He is kind. Thoughtful. Into my growth journey and his own. Similar interests. Communicative. Amazing with kids. From a similar upbringing. Friends with my friends. Good work ethic but still makes time to prioritise me and others in his life. Honestly he has become one of my dearest friends. But it begs the question… Why don’t I lust after all these amazing qualities?
Why do I want someone who doesn’t treat me respectfully or as a priority?
So as I ponder this for the billionth time in therapy my therapist says something interesting to me. Researchers have found that over 55% of all people actually have insecure attachment styles.
That is huge! Early on in the peace uncertainty is normal. But if you seek that drawn out, uncertain style dynamic; the will they call, won’t they? Will they behave respectfully when I’m not around?; Am I actually their boyfriend/girlfriend or not?; Where do I stand? Etc etc
If you get off on dynamics like this then you have an insecure attachment style and hence why the perfect on paper Mr actually probably should be what you want…. isn’t getting you to take that next step.
You, like me, crave the biochemical response your body gives you from riding the waves of the emotional tsunamis that the not safe person creates in us. It’s essentially an addiction. Not to the person though. Important to note. Because if your honest with yourself this would be a theme playing out through other scenarios in your life too. But it’s hard to realise that it’s not the individual you want when it’s such a strong positive correlation of time with them = lots of wild unstable, exciting and heartbreaking rides.
I’ve known this about myself for a while, but it was never more blatantly evident than this experience the other day. Without divulging Mr Oh So Sweets’ personal story, he alerted me to the fact that he may actually be in a scenario in which he would no longer be able to be as emotionally open with me. And in that moment as I sat across from him at the local pub, I instantly felt myself tighten.
He noticed it too. His exact words. “I’ve never seen you so defensive before!”
It was IMMEDIATE! As soon as I was told I wasn’t going to be prioritised, I moved straight into – now I want it!
Let me tell you, to catch yourself in that trip is an interesting, yet confronting place to be.
Luckily for me he is an absolute legend and I vocalised it straight away. He helped me talk it through.
Letting go of this shit will be a journey. It’s not going to be a quick fix. I’m still that little girl just trying to get my dad’s attention. This is how we all play it out.
So if the romantic dynamics you create are creating more thrills and pain, then stability and grounding then this ones for you.
And me. And apparently over 50% of us!
We all deserve good, real, healthy, long lasting love. In order to get it, I suggest you take a good, hard, long, honest look at your own shit first.
What is it exactly that you want? And if your attracting different to that then something you’re doing isn’t aligned to your soul.
If you want real. You gotta be real.
Love and light