The above title is a classic saying from my youth. Valid. What we see in others exists in us; you can’t bullshit a bullshitter and all that..
And it’s true in our dynamics with others. But it’s also so true for the relationship we have with ourselves. And it’s amazing the webs of deceit, drama, confusion and BS the trusty old ego can weave within our minds.
I’ve been a bit quiet on the blog front of late. And feeling a bit stagnant in what I wanted to say. People around me have always been quite encouraging and I have had some beautiful self growth, appreciation and reflective moments through the year I have been blogging. But it hasn’t been flowing. And I knew this. And as all things the more you realise it and think about it, the more it shows up in your world. But the last straw for me came at an engagement party on Saturday.
Celebrating love, surrounded by love and having the time of our lives… a couple of champagnes in and we hit the dance floor. The heels came off and we went for it. As all my key girls in my life do. And as I spun around grinning from ear to ear I noticed we had been joined by a fellow West Aussie I hadn’t seen in forever. So as we grabbed each other to twirl around she says to me… “I want to hear all about your blogging! Tell me everything!”
So after a brief chat reciting what I have told myself I need to say, I was feeling a bit of an off feeling in my gut. Like I wasn’t entirely painting the whole picture of where I was at with it. So I said “I’ve been a bit quiet of late though….” Straight away she quipped “I’ve definitely noticed”… Then all of a sudden Backstreet Boys comes on and the conversation was clearly finished. But I was left with something to ponder.
This phenomenon I am really starting to pick up on. The stories we have around situations in life. You can hear when someone has told the story multiple times. The perfectly timed joke, or punchline, or worded phrases to ensure the message we want to portray is getting across. Rather than checking in to see if the story still fits where we are as an ever evolving changing dynamic person.
So here’s a story I often say in regard to myself….. I’m often all gung-ho about things in the beginning. I love to start with a bang. I get in and under and immerse myself into whatever I am doing. But then I get to a certain point with things and I pull away. This is true in career decisions, relationships and finances. It is definitely a pattern in my life.
But when I stop to look at this story I tell myself and others, I’d say there has been multiple reasons for this. Sometimes I realised it just wasn’t right for me. Sometimes what resonated at one point in my journey ceased to gel once I’d learned the lessons I needed to learn. The practice of not attaching ourselves to anything is pivotal as nothing is ever forever. And this doesn’t have to cause fear.
But I’d say more than any of this it’s actually what I’m coming to realise is that I am actually fearful of success. I am scared shitless of my own shininess. Because when I catch glimpses of it, it’s so bright I think it will scare others off or they won’t like what they see and I’ll be left all on my own. For some reason we seem to want to dull others shine more than we want to build them up for fear that their shine will detract from our own.
Completely impossible by the way. As long as the intentions are pure it will only add to the light this world so deeply needs.
So for weeks now, I have barely written. And in that time TV snuck back in to an all night routine, all my meditations were guided as I wasn’t trusting my own ability to take myself to that place, procrastination has been at an all time high and I dare not look at my budget.
I was starting to let my self doubt creep in. See the deal is it is seemingly much easier to stay stuck than it is to change. Not surprising. Change won’t occur until you stack enough pain into a situation that it literally pushes you to adjust your perspective or belief system around the way you operate.
So as the old me reliving the above story that I must have just reached that stage I always do where I’ve peaked and now it’s time to step away, this time around I can see that as no longer serving me.
I want this too much. I want it for me. For my family. For my soul. To see it out and fulfil my purpose as I feel it to be in this stage of my journey.
The alternative no longer adds up. Stay stuck in an unfulfilling life cycle or push through the fear and have a red hot go at creating the life I want to live.
So now it’s time to turn the TV off for a bit. Live my existence. Put myself out there again. Continue on this journey. Even if it’s just baby steps, but consistent forward motion. Because sitting around wishing it would change and wondering why it hadn’t to the extent I wanted it to is not action. It’s contemplation.
The vision and dream is one thing but you’ve still got to go out and get it.
So stack the pain and against the old ways and push through the fear.
Give yourself permission to be the brightest shiniest version of yourself. You’ll be amazed at what you can achieve. Don’t let the ego tell you why you can’t/shouldn’t/didn’t/won’t.
You never have a dream you can’t realise. Know that.
The rest is all bullshit.
Love and light