This week I feel like a bit of a raging banshee … I was telling people off left right and centre. Calling people out on anything and everything and at the same time buried inside my seemingly never ending stream of thought. One of the girls I work with even walked up to me on Wednesday and just from nowhere goes “just LET IT GO!” and turned on her heel and walked back off. I just stood there for a second a bit shocked but then called out after her ..”yeah you’re spot on!”
You see I’m usually quiet sweet and a little cheeky and sarcastic but at the same time on the rare (although becoming less so) occasion when I call you out, I’m not joking. I feel it’s a right of passage with people who care about each other and I always take it when it comes back at me. It’s mutual respect. A way we can grow together. If we both chose.
So the first call out came on Sunday after an uncomfortable experience for me on a recent night out. The second at work after some discouraging comments were made and some unsupportive behaviour occured re: my new career direction. But these were all pretty quickly discussed and smoothed over. Everyone was willing to listen to each other’s point of view.
But, with the full moon on Thursday this energy in me PEAKED!!! My day was fine. Quite uneventful in fact. But as it drew to a close and I went to get my babies off their Dad after not seeing them for 2 weeks, one comment from him was all it took for the tide to turn. And no it’s NOT that time of the month. You’d think 2 kids, 2 step kids and 3 serious relationships later he would know better than to think that was the smart thing to say in response to my snapping. Well clearly he didn’t. So when I got the suitcase home and he had put two kids runners full of beach sand on top of all the clothes boy did he cop an abrupt text!
Honestly and not shockingly it had nothing to do with the shoes. Their dad and I are good a majority of the time. In fact our relationship is better now than it’s ever been. Together or apart. So I had to look at why he had set me off. But before I could get to that place of reflection, I wandered into my daughters room to see a friend I had previously let stay who I hadn’t heard from since she left and was pretty upset about, had seemingly been and grabbed some of her stuff whilst I was out with the spare key she still hadn’t given back.
I saw red. It’s such a trigger for me now. To me and where I’m at it is just complete and utter complacency and disrespect for the boundaries I am strongly asserting around myself. Or as I kept writing to everyone NOT OK. And just because I was on the bandwagon my ex copped an earful too about waiting 10 days to get back to me re: a lock code when I locked myself out on New Years Day. Turned out it was an honest mistake and I overstepped the mark. But I was on a roll….
Now I know ideally, I would gather myself figure out exactly what is going on inside and then calmly tell the other party what I need to say. But I didn’t. To me the world was throwing me triggers left right and centre and with everything I’m going through healing wise I am happy I’m learning to stand up for myself. I’m taking my own advice from posts past to not demonise these emotions I am feeling. And the interesting part to me is the ones who love me really, even if they’re on the receiving end are encouraging me to do just that. Speak my truth.
Just last week I acquired and workshopped a new tool in my soul coaching journey. Boundaries and Speaking Your Truth were two of the 12 dimensions. They all play off of each other. Just like life. Just like the complex human form. We have so many elements to our psyche and they are all affected by one another. I could establish boundaries but in order to maintain them I am having to learn to speak my truth. Ideally calmly and assertively. But as with any new skill, no one masters it straight off the bat. So when I perceived earlier that afternoon that baby daddy was pushing my boundaries on flexibility with the kids routine, my defences flew out of my mouth like a fighter jet at war. Further evidence that anyone’s reaction to anything is purely a window into exactly where they are at in themselves at that point in time. Because honestly, what he said wasn’t even that bad now I have had time to digest it.
However, in that moment it triggered my fight or flight. And once I decided to step in the ring I wasn’t leaving it at one opponent. Nope. It takes me a fair bit to get to that place but when I’m there I’m IN it. But you have to understand that in my perception the reason so much of the past abuse has occurred is purely down to my lack of boundaries. Now I have worked so hard to establish those, you threaten them and I essentially feel like you are threatening my survival. And particularly when you’re in your stuff, perception is a funny thing.
So what broke it? It was actually my ex. He diffused me. Acknowledged me, apologised, explained and then made me giggle because he asked me to stop yelling even though it was all via text message. But what I guess I am grateful for was the respect he showed in that moment for my speaking my truth to maintain the integrity of the boundaries I had created between us. Even though I didn’t go about it in the most appropriate way (hence the stop yelling lol) he got it. And if you read this… thank you.
What’s my point? There are so many in this I don’t know what to pin point.
– Go easy on yourself. Your reactions are necessary. But always reflect on your behaviour and feelings. Try to pin point the beliefs behind them.
-Go easy on others. Don’t personalise their reactions to make it your issue. Tell them you love them and you hear them and their feelings are valid. Or just walk away and let it go. It’s not your stuff.
-There is no way the moon cycles do not affect us. No way.
-Those that are supposed to be in your life, in whatever way they are supposed to be in your life, will be.
-I am me. I’m doing the best I can with what I know. I’m proud of where I am at and I won’t apologise for my journey.
And nor should you. And there is always right now to make the choice to be happy, or try again, or let it out, or just BE. No pressure, just loads of self love.
Much love, Michelle xx