I crack me up. I have had some time over the last few days to reflect on the year that was and whats to come and for the first time ever, I read back through this whole blog. Wow, I have come such a long way in such a short time. The bit that made me laugh was how obvious the cycle of my repeating thought patterns is. And that last one where I was all like “ I will rise to the challenge of going home and facing certain dynamics and reactions” …Yeah that didn’t play out quite the way I had imagined.
In some ways being on the other side of the country to everyone from my past has it’s benefits. I am not consistently put into situations that make me face what was. However, when you do go back, boy oh boy does that shit feel AMPLIFIED. Particularly when you are making such massive shifts and you all have to figure out the new dance steps. Don’t get me wrong, my family were amazing and I am so happy I got to spend time with them but it brought everything to the forefront of my mind. My conscious state is at a level of awareness that my brain has decided now is the time to deal and heal.
My therapist explained this phenomenon to me in regard to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When she first got me to open up regarding some of the painful past experiences, namely the physical, sexual and emotional abuse, my body could not cope and it was like an out of body experience. I shut down. I couldn’t focus on her or what she was saying or to stop myself bawling and shaking. It was quite frightening. Because I was accessing memories that I had repressed. I needed to repress at the time as I wasn’t ready to deal. I was in survival mode. But bringing it all back in that moment, my mind believed it was happening again and I couldn’t cope. This was some months ago and slowly I am able to breathe and talk some of it through. Very slowly. Some sessions I go in and talk about other things as my conscious state at that moment in time is not in a place to release the trauma. Bless her heart she just allows it. An amazing therapist, she knows when to prod and when to allow me to go.
So knowing where I am right now in my healing process, I decided before I left I was going to do a little self healing whist I was there. I wanted to bring things to the surface to look at, feel, and essentially when the time is right – let go for good. Namely, confront some places that I had tried to pretend no longer existed. There were three places I felt I had to go. One was the site where I lost someone dear to me. Loss and abandonment are big triggers for negative thinking for me. One was a house in which my first long term boyfriend had broken my spirit and trust in him for the first time – and many times after that – and the last was a place where a majority of the sexual abuse occurred. I couldn’t quite bring myself to go there directly so I sat on the beach below and meditated.
After some time, I opened my eyes to watch the waves crashing on the rock face. Every set got bigger and as the salt water sprayed my face and body, I imagined that all the sadness and pain was being washed away. I know the fear and sadness is still there but it is time to deal with it head on now. I often speak like it happened to someone else. Or preface everything with a “but I’m fine” or whatever. Truth is, I feel like I am only truly dealing with it all now. And it will take time. But I am here for me now like never before.
So then I looked up the beach. I spent many many days of my life hanging on this very beach. I could see my high school. Great memories for the days when I attended. Best canteen food ever! I could see where I was taken to the police station for wagging and drinking on the last day of year nine. (Funny in hindsight – well even at the time except to my parents). I could see where my friends and I would go skinny dipping. I could see where my friend had her beautiful wedding photos taken. I remembered how my friends and I would spend hours just lazying around, riding our pushies, swimming, gossiping, walking from party to party and just being teenage girls experiencing life together. These are the type of memories I want to focus on when I think of this spot. Where my focus goes, energy flows.
So I decided to spend New Years on my own this year. Bit of a self challenge I guess. But I wanted to wake up fresh and clear. Exercise and look after me and my inner child. She has been at the forefront of everything I am doing now. So as the clock past midnight, I lay in bed. And I began to speak to my little Michelle. I may sound crazy but it all seemed really normal. I apologised for not being there for her. For abandoning her when she needed me most. For masking her pain and fear with drugs and parties and silly dramas just to avoid what I really needed to look at. And from somewhere deep inside me two fat tears welled up and ran down my face. She needed to know that. And we both felt a great sense of relief.
So even though already 2017 hasn’t been smooth sailing – I lost my bank cards (worst time of year to do that), locked myself out of my house and seem to have a bit of a cold – I remain in the state of mind that this year can be nothing but an improvement on the past. As I am here for me. And I am already setting it up as a year to remember. I am taking MASSIVE IMPERFECT ACTION and launching my website. Well as soon as the ban gets lifted from my domain because I forgot to verify it. HAHAHAHA me and technology. We are slowly building a relationship but it’s a slow journey. But it’s ready to go and will be up in the next 24-36 hours according to WHOIS.
So as I sat here writing this blog. I decided to pull me an Oracle Card surrounding my next step. The website. I pulled DIRECTION. This is what it meant.
DIRECTION: Life’s Path / Moving Forward / A New Approach
Everyone feels foggy, lost or stuck at some point in their life. Hitting a crossroads can be confusing. This card reminds you that the path you are on is the right one. There is something positive and new on the horizon even if you can’t see it yet. You are divinely guided to move forward with a situation – even if it means taking a new approach concerning one aspect of your life. Trust that you are where you are meant to be on life’s path.
And trust I do.
Love and light
Much love, Michelle xx