But Where Does It Go?

I feel like it’s been ages now since I’ve written something light and easy breezy. I feel like I want to do that. For a multitude of reasons. But I don’t feel light and easy. As I sit down to write this, and I’ve left it all week because it’s been hectic and now it’s Sunday night and I’m flat. Again. Like seriously …. Again! Pull yourself out of it Michelle! I’m the only one who can, I know that, but this one is heavy and it’s taking a toll.

I spoke a few weeks ago of my first spiritual guide. He used to speak of the Three Rungs of the Ladder to the space of enlightenment. Now this is completely my perception of what he meant but the first rung is around awareness and a genuine connection to the feeling of creating inner peace. I do feel I have taken this on board in my soul. And beyond to a degree. But I also vividly remember him saying that we always feel our shit the hardest and deepest right before a big change. A little push or shove in the direction to greater consciousness. But this one feels like a massive truck full of hippos sitting on my physical body and all of my energy space around me. It feels HEAVY!

Now I’m not sure how others experience this. Please share if you would like it always helps to feel like you’re not alone or going crazy. But I really feel the different weights or imprints of different energies. And I am also starting to become acutely aware of visions during meditation and particularly whilst giving Reiki to myself and others. I’m not afraid as such but I know I’m going through a massive shift in consciousness and so in a way it’s scary. No I’m bullshitting. I’m freaking out to be real.

Not really for what’s to come. That’s ok. But for what is not coming with me. It’s almost like I have come to a point of no return right now and life as I know it is over. Please understand I know it will be ok but the FEELING that it’s going to be ok hasn’t caught up. My monkey mind is trying to pull me back to what I know. It’s grasping at people places and situations that don’t serve me.

This week I acted out. I tried to lie to myself I was ok about seeing someone I hadn’t seen in a couple of months. You know they popped up again and I told myself this time would be different. Of course I’ll go to dinner with you. But a couple of champagnes in and I honestly felt my brain snap. What the f**k are you doing Michelle!?, it screamed. You know how this ends. This is not a safe place to rest your weary soul. And honestly I was an almost instant mess. I actually had a movie moment and got up and walked out of the restaurant.

Now completely NOT his fault. He is honest that he’s not emotionally available. I am the one who is willing to butt my head against the same old brick wall over and over and over because I pull what I want to hear out of the conversation rather than what is being said. I’m not saying it’s my fault either, but why am I pursuing someone who will never let me in? I don’t have to be a superhero and work him out or break through his walls or show him how special I am and then hopefully maybe one day he’ll truly love me back and see my worth. IM TIRED! I honestly can’t be f**ked with it anymore. It hurts. I am hurting myself.

I am seeking in a partner what I always knew as my first male female dynamic. The relationship I had with my dad. And when I was a child he was completely emotionally unavailable. Not at all his fault. He did the best with what he knew. And he is a deep kind thoughtful and intelligent man. And our dynamic is changing. Dad and I are good. I have laid to rest my issues with feeling I didn’t get what I needed back when I was little. So its time for my adult self to catch up. To stop recreating these patterns for my future. All my partners have been either that way inclined or completely obsessive and possessive or combinations of both.

I want someone, yes. And all of the changes that are happening in my world feel like they would be just that little bit more awesome if I had someone to share them with. Love makes the good that much better and everything else seem small. But I don’t have that right now. Well not in a romantic sense. But if I step back from that, it’s so clear how I’m just scared of this next step. This next massive step up that ladder. But when I stop grasping so tightly and I let myself leap I know there is a pure moment awaiting me.

That beautiful moment when you allow a real change into your soul. It’s a moment of pure stillness. A moment in which you can truly appreciate the absolute nothing it brings. The space. The lightness. Where did that heavy energy go? That we hold onto so tightly. Where did it come from? Why did it mean so much to us? Yet now it has simply gone. Shifted. Moved on. Dissipated. Just writing this my focus changed and I felt the energy shift. It simply blows me away with pure gratitude and amazement every time. Where your focus goes, energy flows.

Regardless of whether you consider yourself spiritual or not I would think that has to raise some really interesting questions to ponder. Thoughts are merely suggestions. Emotions are just acting upon those suggestions and beliefs are made for perceived survival.

Yet real living comes when you just let it all go. So breathe Michelle and just say Fuck It!

Leave what is not working behind. Make space for the new. Allow myself to move in the direction that momentum is taking me anyway. Stop kicking and screaming and running back to the real place of hurt out of fear of the unknown. Because let’s be real, I wouldn’t be on this journey if the past worked out for me would I!

Ha! I just giggle snorted. And finally, I feel the light and easy breezy returning. What an amazing journey I am on.

Love and light, Michelle xx

Speaking My Truth

This week I feel like a bit of a raging banshee … I was telling people off left right and centre. Calling people out on anything and everything and at the same time buried inside my seemingly never ending stream of thought. One of the girls I work with even walked up to me on Wednesday and just from nowhere goes “just LET IT GO!” and turned on her heel and walked back off. I just stood there for a second a bit shocked but then called out after her ..”yeah you’re spot on!”

You see I’m usually quiet sweet and a little cheeky and sarcastic but at the same time on the rare (although becoming less so) occasion when I call you out, I’m not joking. I feel it’s a right of passage with people who care about each other and I always take it when it comes back at me. It’s mutual respect. A way we can grow together. If we both chose.

So the first call out came on Sunday after an uncomfortable experience for me on a recent night out. The second at work after some discouraging comments were made and some unsupportive behaviour occured re: my new career direction. But these were all pretty quickly discussed and smoothed over. Everyone was willing to listen to each other’s point of view.

But, with the full moon on Thursday this energy in me PEAKED!!! My day was fine. Quite uneventful in fact. But as it drew to a close and I went to get my babies off their Dad after not seeing them for 2 weeks, one comment from him was all it took for the tide to turn. And no it’s NOT that time of the month. You’d think 2 kids, 2 step kids and 3 serious relationships later he would know better than to think that was the smart thing to say in response to my snapping. Well clearly he didn’t. So when I got the suitcase home and he had put two kids runners full of beach sand on top of all the clothes boy did he cop an abrupt text!

Honestly and not shockingly it had nothing to do with the shoes. Their dad and I are good a majority of the time. In fact our relationship is better now than it’s ever been. Together or apart. So I had to look at why he had set me off. But before I could get to that place of reflection, I wandered into my daughters room to see a friend I had previously let stay who I hadn’t heard from since she left and was pretty upset about, had seemingly been and grabbed some of her stuff whilst I was out with the spare key she still hadn’t given back.

I saw red. It’s such a trigger for me now. To me and where I’m at it is just complete and utter complacency and disrespect for the boundaries I am strongly asserting around myself. Or as I kept writing to everyone NOT OK. And just because I was on the bandwagon my ex copped an earful too about waiting 10 days to get back to me re: a lock code when I locked myself out on New Years Day. Turned out it was an honest mistake and I overstepped the mark. But I was on a roll….

Now I know ideally, I would gather myself figure out exactly what is going on inside and then calmly tell the other party what I need to say. But I didn’t. To me the world was throwing me triggers left right and centre and with everything I’m going through healing wise I am happy I’m learning to stand up for myself. I’m taking my own advice from posts past to not demonise these emotions I am feeling. And the interesting part to me is the ones who love me really, even if they’re on the receiving end are encouraging me to do just that. Speak my truth.

Just last week I acquired and workshopped a new tool in my soul coaching journey. Boundaries and Speaking Your Truth were two of the 12 dimensions. They all play off of each other. Just like life. Just like the complex human form. We have so many elements to our psyche and they are all affected by one another. I could establish boundaries but in order to maintain them I am having to learn to speak my truth. Ideally calmly and assertively. But as with any new skill, no one masters it straight off the bat. So when I perceived earlier that afternoon that baby daddy was pushing my boundaries on flexibility with the kids routine, my defences flew out of my mouth like a fighter jet at war. Further evidence that anyone’s reaction to anything is purely a window into exactly where they are at in themselves at that point in time. Because honestly, what he said wasn’t even that bad now I have had time to digest it.

However, in that moment it triggered my fight or flight. And once I decided to step in the ring I wasn’t leaving it at one opponent. Nope. It takes me a fair bit to get to that place but when I’m there I’m IN it. But you have to understand that in my perception the reason so much of the past abuse has occurred is purely down to my lack of boundaries. Now I have worked so hard to establish those, you threaten them and I essentially feel like you are threatening my survival. And particularly when you’re in your stuff, perception is a funny thing.

So what broke it? It was actually my ex. He diffused me. Acknowledged me, apologised, explained and then made me giggle because he asked me to stop yelling even though it was all via text message. But what I guess I am grateful for was the respect he showed in that moment for my speaking my truth to maintain the integrity of the boundaries I had created between us. Even though I didn’t go about it in the most appropriate way (hence the stop yelling lol) he got it. And if you read this… thank you.

What’s my point? There are so many in this I don’t know what to pin point.

– Go easy on yourself. Your reactions are necessary. But always reflect on your behaviour and feelings. Try to pin point the beliefs behind them.

-Go easy on others. Don’t personalise their reactions to make it your issue. Tell them you love them and you hear them and their feelings are valid. Or just walk away and let it go. It’s not your stuff.

-There is no way the moon cycles do not affect us. No way.

-Those that are supposed to be in your life, in whatever way they are supposed to be in your life, will be.

-I am me. I’m doing the best I can with what I know. I’m proud of where I am at and I won’t apologise for my journey.

And nor should you. And there is always right now to make the choice to be happy, or try again, or let it out, or just BE. No pressure, just loads of self love.

Much love, Michelle xx

It’s Universal

So whilst I may not be in any romantic type of relationship right now, the relationship I am having with the universe is at an all time high. We are loving each other. Understanding each other. Communicating. Consulting. Respecting. Nourishing. Spooning. Ok well, maybe not the last bit. Which is lucky because if girls could get that from the universe too, boys could be in big trouble!

But honestly, not even I could for see how this relationship I am having with whatever you deem the higher power to be, would play out. I personally believe in the universe. I believe in energy. But whatever you chose to call it; it’s faith.

So lately, I have noticed signs every where I go and in many things I do. Recurring conversations with completely different people. Number patterns. Answers come to me in meditation that bring me good outcomes to situations. As in anything you do, with awareness and practice it becomes more and more like second nature and you are drawn to what you know. This is a massively amazing thing if you think about it. Its is like that quote “Be the change you want to see.” Once you start acting out on your hopes, dreams and wishes, you automatically immerse yourself in the world you want to create. You create your destiny. You create your reality.

Now this mindset can seemingly piss people right off. I have found that on multiple occasions of late that my belief in the above philosophies and the fact I believe no one is given a dream that they can not fulfil rubs some people right up the wrong way. I was told that it is building people up when not everyone is capable of greatness. I would say everyone has a different idea of what greatness is. And I think a person who believes in themselves, treats themselves and others with compassion and kindness and lives according to their own values and morals is a pretty fucking great human.

Yes ok, not everyone can be a famous movie star or sportsman or barrister or whatever the other “important people” titles these people have stated in their arguments against my beliefs. But from what I have come to know is not everyone wants to be that either. Many billions of souls are not inspired by that. Although when one is living in the land of ego and believe that status, fame, money and material items are whats needed to be happy then they could well think that that is what they indeed want and need in order to be fulfilled. But I bet if you cut through the shit to the core what they really want 11 times out of 10 something entirely different. Like love. Respect. Validation. To be wanted. Acknowledged. Be a part of something. Worthy. It’s not the things itself that drives them. It is all fear based emotions. Now not to say this is true of all people with stuff and status. Just true for the ones who think that the status and stuff alone will be what makes their lives better.

A beautiful example of a fucking great human is this man that comes into the cafe I work at. He has had an accident. He is in a wheelchair and is paralysed down the left side of his body. He is the same age as me. 31 years old. He has two children just like me. Quite confronting a story when I first learnt it all. We now chat every time he comes in. We became friends on social media. And his kindness and the open and loving things he posts bring a tear to my eye every time. He is open. He is compassionate. He is aware. He almost lost his chance to live this life. So unlike those stuck in a fear based mentality he appreciates all of the every day things he gets to experience. Spending time with his boys. His friends and family. And his passion of cars. Not ironically the reason he has had these experiences. And yet he still loves cars. Because he knows if this didn’t happen then he wouldn’t  understand that to him greatness means being alive and present with all the people that he loves and cares for. So while clearly he won’t be a movie star or an athlete or anything of that nature, he has started a group for young individuals like himself to be part of and go through the healing journey together. Alongside some hotted up cars of course. And he always states without a doubt he has found his purpose. His niche. His genius zone.

I find this so beautiful and inspiring. And I honestly believe that when you are open and aware and a dream or vision comes to you, it is a message directed to you from a higher power. It is your soul purpose or one of the equally important steps you need to undertake in order to re-align with the soul. Whatever it is. It is your little niche. And it certainly doesn’t need to be validated or understood by anyone else. May I ask why we can be so quick to cut people down when they express their hopes and dreams rather than encouraging them to try and building them up? Just because you don’t understand something DOES NOT MAKE IT WRONG. It just means it isn’t right for you at that point in time.

So next time someone says they a going to give something a go, try resist the urge to knock the wind out to them. Be a good human. Build people up. Because I see through it. It is your own fears that lead you to have that response. Take a step back and ask yourself why someone else’s success and happiness threatens you and your beliefs?

We are all worthy and capable of greatness. END OF.

Much love, Michelle xxx

 

Direction

I crack me up. I have had some time over the last few days to reflect on the year that was and whats to come and for the first time ever, I read back through this whole blog. Wow, I have come such a long way in such a short time. The bit that made me laugh was how obvious the cycle of my repeating thought patterns is. And that last one where I was all like “ I will rise to the challenge of going home and facing certain dynamics and reactions” …Yeah that didn’t play out quite the way I had imagined.

In some ways being on the other side of the country to everyone from my past has it’s benefits. I am not consistently put into situations that make me face what was. However, when you do go back, boy oh boy does that shit feel AMPLIFIED. Particularly when you are making such massive shifts and you all have to figure out the new dance steps. Don’t get me wrong, my family were amazing and I am so happy I got to spend time with them but it brought everything to the forefront of my mind. My conscious state is at a level of awareness that my brain has decided now is the time to deal and heal.

My therapist explained this phenomenon to me in regard to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When she first got me to open up regarding some of the painful past experiences, namely the physical, sexual and emotional abuse, my body could not cope and it was like an out of body experience. I shut down. I couldn’t focus on her or what she was saying or to stop myself bawling and shaking. It was quite frightening. Because I was accessing memories that I had repressed. I needed to repress at the time as I wasn’t ready to deal. I was in survival mode. But bringing it all back in that moment, my mind believed it was happening again and I couldn’t cope. This was some months ago and slowly I am able to breathe and talk some of it through. Very slowly. Some sessions I go in and talk about other things as my conscious state at that moment in time is not in a place to release the trauma. Bless her heart she just allows it. An amazing therapist, she knows when to prod and when to allow me to go.

So knowing where I am right now in my healing process, I decided before I left I was going to do a little self healing whist I was there. I wanted to bring things to the surface to look at, feel, and essentially when the time is right – let go for good. Namely, confront some places that I had tried to pretend no longer existed. There were three places I felt I had to go. One was the site where I lost someone dear to me. Loss and abandonment are big triggers for negative thinking for me. One was a house in which my first long term boyfriend had broken my spirit and trust in him for the first time – and many times after that – and the last was a place where a majority of the sexual abuse occurred. I couldn’t quite bring myself to go there directly so I sat on the beach below and meditated.

After some time, I opened my eyes to watch the waves crashing on the rock face. Every set got bigger and as the salt water sprayed my face and body, I imagined that all the sadness and pain was being washed away. I know the fear and sadness is still there but it is time to deal with it head on now. I often speak like it happened to someone else. Or preface everything with a “but I’m fine” or whatever. Truth is, I feel like I am only truly dealing with it all now. And it will take time. But I am here for me now like never before.

So then I looked up the beach. I spent many many days of my life hanging on this very beach. I could see my high school. Great memories for the days when I attended. Best canteen food ever! I could see where I was taken to the police station for wagging and drinking on the last day of year nine. (Funny in hindsight – well even at the time except to my parents). I could see where my friends and I would go skinny dipping. I could see where my friend had her beautiful wedding photos taken. I remembered how my friends and I would spend hours just lazying around, riding our pushies, swimming, gossiping, walking from party to party and just being teenage girls experiencing life together. These are the type of memories I want to focus on when I think of this spot. Where my focus goes, energy flows.

So I decided to spend New Years on my own this year. Bit of a self challenge I guess. But I wanted to wake up fresh and clear. Exercise and look after me and my inner child. She has been at the forefront of everything I am doing now. So as the clock past midnight, I lay in bed. And I began to speak to my little Michelle. I may sound crazy but it all seemed really normal. I apologised for not being there for her. For abandoning her when she needed me most. For masking her pain and fear with drugs and parties and silly dramas just to avoid what I really needed to look at. And from somewhere deep inside me two fat tears welled up and ran down my face. She needed to know that. And we both felt a great sense of relief.

So even though already 2017 hasn’t been smooth sailing – I lost my bank cards (worst time of year to do that), locked myself out of my house and seem to have a bit of a cold – I remain in the state of mind that this year can be nothing but an improvement on the past. As I am here for me. And I am already setting it up as a year to remember. I am taking MASSIVE IMPERFECT ACTION and launching my website. Well as soon as the ban gets lifted from my domain because I forgot to verify it. HAHAHAHA me and technology. We are slowly building a relationship but it’s a slow journey. But it’s ready to go and will be up in the next 24-36 hours according to WHOIS.

So as I sat here writing this blog. I decided to pull me an Oracle Card surrounding my next step. The website. I pulled DIRECTION. This is what it meant.

DIRECTION: Life’s Path / Moving Forward / A New Approach

Everyone feels foggy, lost or stuck at some point in their life. Hitting a crossroads can be confusing. This card reminds you that the path you are on is the right one. There is something positive and new on the horizon even if you can’t see it yet. You are divinely guided to move forward with a situation – even if it means taking a new approach concerning one aspect of your life. Trust that you are where you are meant to be on life’s path.

And trust I do.

Love and light
Much love, Michelle xx