Let me set the scene… It’s Saturday night. Yep arguably the most sociable night of the week. I’m on the couch, Nanna blanket draped over my lap. Lap top open. A cheesy in the best kind of way movie – Shall We Dance? – is on in the background. And even though I am only watching intermittently, I’ve still managed to get teary a couple of times. HA!
The me of not that long ago would’ve found this sad. I mean the kids are off at their dads place and I choose to spend my night like this. But truth is, Im loving it. And there is so much to be said for being happy and content in your own company. This is another massive shift for me. No numbing substances in sight – well accept the tv and lap top in this instance – but I am more and more finding I don’t even turn the tv on after the kids go to sleep. I am happy to do yoga, meditate, sit quietly, have a bath or work on things that are bringing me toward the life I want to live. Life is too short to waste precious moments I am finally realising.
So what is my point? I am alone. But I in no way feel lonely. Hallelujah!!
The only thing I have ever found harder than being alone and feeling lonely is when you are indeed with someone but you still FEEL lonely. Misunderstood. Misinterpreted. Now that is a heartbreaking kind of lonely.
So when I brought up what changes had been occurring in my life to my psychotherapist this week more stuff came to the surface. I was reflecting on how my day to day circle is getting a little smaller due to not everyone being comfortable with the new boundaries I am creating for my own self worth.
So we celebrated my strength. Then, these funny things seem to happen in these psychotherapy sessions. One minute I am sitting there going yeah how awesome am I?! All strong with my boundaries and shit! Then she simply asked me, so how do you feel about this new phase where maybe your close circle is getting smaller? And without any hesitation or thinking the word ‘LONELY’ came flying out of my mouth. Ahhhhh ok. Weird bloody creatures we are. Even though I am completely aware that all the actions I have taken to stand up for myself were valid and necessary for my growth journey, I was longing for what was. Even though the people, places or situations did not serve me, would I prefer to be back in the negatives just so I didn’t feel lonely? Hmmmm. Something to ponder.
I have thought over the years and I am sure you have probably seen it in either others relationships or possibly your own, in which you know that someone is wrong for you but you stay anyway out of all the fears that come with the idea of walking away from a situation that isn’t working for you. Whatever they may be. Fear of being alone. Fear of change. Losing friendships. Financial difficulties. Not feeling like you would find someone else. Or what I believe my deep underlying angle has been in the past. If I am alone I have no choice but to focus solely on me and my issues. No distractions. No ability to project. Its all my stuff.
I went to bed after I wrote that. Now it’s beautiful Sunday. My favourite day of the week. Everyone is in downtime mode. Taking in the day and the vibe and appreciating whatever it is that they have chosen to do. I went for a walk and had breakfast with some girlfriends and now I am back to me time. A smoothie and some WIFI at my fave local cafe. And some time to reflect again on the words of wisdom that my therapist shared with me.
Loneliness is not a thing in it’s entirety. A bit like the umbrella term ‘stress’ that we as a western society have created. You can be alone as in you are the only individual in the space you are, but we are never lonely. She encouraged me to look at the what feelings actually come up for me when I am feeling lonely. Like what is it really? Or when does it happen? ‘Because Michelle, the universe is one big bubble. It is one. We should never be lonely as we are never truly alone. Sometimes disconnected or fearful, but never alone. There is never this little void in which the universe puts you and says, “Hi Michelle down there in your own little isolated void”‘.
And as she acted out being the universe waving down to me all on my own outside the universal bubble, I couldn’t help but crack up. She is a real character. And she is 100% right. We are all one.
So next she says, ‘So what is it behind the emotions – that YOU HAVE CHOSEN to attach yourself to – that you seek?’
And once again without hesitation or thinking I said ‘Connection to myself.’
And there is the answer in a nutshell. If you ever feel lonely, look inward. Connect to you. Be honest. What is it that you need in that moment? In your life? The answer may surprise you. Mine have.
I used to insert myself into others issues. Start a fight with a partner. Use drugs and alcohol to numb. Shop for stuff I didn’t need. All to fill this imaginary void. I am in no way against any of those actions. They have their place when they are coming from a content heart and mindset. Not from a place of fear.
But when I look at it what I need and now crave, is time and space to nourish me. Time to dream. Time to take action to obtaining my goals and making my dreams come true. And I don’t feel the need to distract myself from my life right now. I guess this means I am content.
And fuck that feels so good.
So don’t feel lonely. I am right here with you.In fact, we all are.
Love and light, Michelle xx