We All Quake

Music is life. So many of my favourite and most imprinted memories have strong ties to a song or soundtrack. It is amazing how you can be anywhere, at any stage in your life, and a song will come on and it transports you right back to that event, that kiss, that night, that concert. Whatever it was. Whoever I was with. For a couple of minutes, it’s like I never left. I get lost in it. Especially a great love song or ballad. Just ask the guy who busted me in my car the other day.

A few blocks from home, waiting at the lights, I was full blown belting it out. Sexy Love by Neyo. Tune. And his dance moves … WOW! Anyway, I am talking eyes closed, one fist on the heart, one hand up in the air; yeah – really going for it. I opened my eyes to see if the lights were green but instead caught the eyes of a bystander. Instantly I was fire engine red. I am definitely a blusher and on top of him catching me out, he was adorable! And applauding and yelling out not to stop. Let me tell you, that was the LONGEST red light of my life.

Anyway, also the longest introduction ever! My point was going to be, that this week I will post this from my Mum and Dads house in sunny Western Australia and for that I am BEYOND grateful. A trip home was long overdue. And that every year before I head home, this tune magically or ironically starts coming up in my life. In the shops, on the radio, in movies. I love little things like this about life:)

Coming home this year has brought up a lot for me. I am in such a better place than this time last year. I have beautiful people in my life. I have my health. Two happy children and multiple exciting career opportunities. There is so many exciting things I get to share with all my loved ones back home. But there is also part of me that is a little bit nervous. And I am trying to work out why.

I really blew the lid off life in the last two years. All my stuff culminated into a series of pretty major events. I piled a life time of drama and growth into it and I am so proud of myself for where I have got to. For what I have overcome. But now that I am out the other side and coherent and no longer timid and fragile, I am pretty sure the questions are going to fly. Basically Michelle, ‘What the f**k happened!?’ And now as my new always, I will be honest and tell. These days, I am happy to share my story. It helps me be true and honest with myself and grow. If it helps others to share or learn some lessons too then that’s a massive extra bonus.

Hmmm. So It’s not that.

Maybe I am nervous that being back in that environment will test my growth. Most of our life lessons come from responses, dynamics and reactions we create in that early environment. No one can push your buttons like family after all. But no, that didn’t resonate either. I rise to a challenge and I love my family even when they drive me nuts. The tests will be beneficial for me. Help me to rectify any dynamics and responses that no longer serve me. And you can’t go backwards. Once you shift your awareness, your eyes are open. And even though going back to ignorance can sometimes seem like the easier option, your soul will eventually and always seek the truth.

So what is it this time, I keep trying to work out. And then I remembered another big part of my old life that I miss very much. My first spiritual teacher. Just like the timely playing of my going home track, his name randomly popped up on my LinkedIn account earlier this week and I got very nostalgic. An amazing man that I partially owe my awakening to. And even though at that stage of my life I wasn’t entirely ready to take on the teachings on a soul level, many of his words still permeate my thoughts. And some of those words were; ‘Every one of us quakes at the door’ (of release and change). Regardless of status, age, gender, occupation, culture, whatever; we all have fear arise when the opportunity of change presents itself and we’re at a high enough level of consciousness in which we can choose to walk through the shift.

And as that popped into my mind I realised I was nervous as I am trying to intellectualise the situation. By focusing on what may or may not happen? Will I still fit in? Will they get me? Will they be proud of me? Blah blah blah. And as I wrote that, another lightbulb. Within those three questions that I just wrote… In lies my deepest fears. Will I be part of it? Am I enough? Amazing! I just schooled myself right there:)

And it is in this journey now that I realise the true meaning of the next thing he used to say as someone would walk through the lens of fear and embrace change and growth…

‘Thank you for your time. Thank you for your trust. Thank you for your courage.’

For stepping through the door of change takes great courage, trust and diligence. But it is in taking that leap that the true wonders of life lie. In the little things. And as I sit here on the plane home, I glance to my left and see my amazing son watching in awe at a nature documentary. To my right, my beautiful daughter cackling away to a Tom and Jerry classic. And I know in my heart, how wondrous life is and how unbelievably blessed I am.

Breathe in your blessings this festive period. There is always something to be grateful for. Appreciate it. As change is inevitable. Make it easier on yourself by embracing the journey. Stop kicking and screaming. Be a part of it. Acknowledge your fears but don’t let them rule you.

Live the life you want. Live the life you deserve.

Much love, Michelle xxx

UnaVOIDable

Let me set the scene… It’s Saturday night. Yep arguably the most sociable night of the week. I’m on the couch, Nanna blanket draped over my lap. Lap top open. A cheesy in the best kind of way movie – Shall We Dance? – is on in the background. And even though I am only watching intermittently, I’ve still managed to get teary a couple of times. HA!

The me of not that long ago would’ve found this sad. I mean the kids are off at their dads place and I choose to spend my night like this. But truth is, Im loving it. And there is so much to be said for being happy and content in your own company. This is another massive shift for me. No numbing substances in sight – well accept the tv and lap top in this instance – but I am more and more finding I don’t even turn the tv on after the kids go to sleep. I am happy to do yoga, meditate, sit quietly, have a bath or work on things that are bringing me toward the life I want to live. Life is too short to waste precious moments I am finally realising.

So what is my point? I am alone. But I in no way feel lonely. Hallelujah!!

The only thing I have ever found harder than being alone and feeling lonely is when you are indeed with someone but you still FEEL lonely. Misunderstood. Misinterpreted. Now that is a heartbreaking kind of lonely.

So when I brought up what changes had been occurring in my life to my psychotherapist this week more stuff came to the surface. I was reflecting on how my day to day circle is getting a little smaller due to not everyone being comfortable with the new boundaries I am creating for my own self worth.

So we celebrated my strength. Then, these funny things seem to happen in these psychotherapy sessions. One minute I am sitting there going yeah how awesome am I?! All strong with my boundaries and shit! Then she simply asked me, so how do you feel about this new phase where maybe your close circle is getting smaller? And without any hesitation or thinking the word ‘LONELY’ came flying out of my mouth. Ahhhhh ok. Weird bloody creatures we are. Even though I am completely aware that all the actions I have taken to stand up for myself were valid and necessary for my growth journey, I was longing for what was. Even though the people, places or situations did not serve me, would I prefer to be back in the negatives just so I didn’t feel lonely? Hmmmm. Something to ponder.

I have thought over the years and I am sure you have probably seen it in either others relationships or possibly your own, in which you know that someone is wrong for you but you stay anyway out of all the fears that come with the idea of walking away from a situation that isn’t working for you. Whatever they may be. Fear of being alone. Fear of change. Losing friendships. Financial difficulties. Not feeling like you would find someone else. Or what I believe my deep underlying angle has been in the past. If I am alone I have no choice but to focus solely on me and my issues. No distractions. No ability to project. Its all my stuff.

I went to bed after I wrote that. Now it’s beautiful Sunday. My favourite day of the week. Everyone is in downtime mode. Taking in the day and the vibe and appreciating whatever it is that they have chosen to do. I went for a walk and had breakfast with some girlfriends and now I am back to me time. A smoothie and some WIFI at my fave local cafe. And some time to reflect again on the words of wisdom that my therapist shared with me.

Loneliness is not a thing in it’s entirety. A bit like the umbrella term ‘stress’ that we as a western society have created. You can be alone as in you are the only individual in the space you are, but we are never lonely. She encouraged me to look at the what feelings actually come up for me when I am feeling lonely. Like what is it really? Or when does it happen? ‘Because Michelle, the universe is one big bubble. It is one. We should never be lonely as we are never truly alone. Sometimes disconnected or fearful, but never alone. There is never this little void in which the universe puts you and says, “Hi Michelle down there in your own little isolated void”‘.

And as she acted out being the universe waving down to me all on my own outside the universal bubble, I couldn’t help but crack up. She is a real character. And she is 100% right. We are all one.

So next she says, ‘So what is it behind the emotions – that YOU HAVE CHOSEN to attach yourself to – that you seek?’

And once again without hesitation or thinking I said ‘Connection to myself.’

And there is the answer in a nutshell. If you ever feel lonely, look inward. Connect to you. Be honest. What is it that you need in that moment? In your life? The answer may surprise you. Mine have.

I used to insert myself into others issues. Start a fight with a partner. Use drugs and alcohol to numb. Shop for stuff I didn’t need. All to fill this imaginary void. I am in no way against any of those actions. They have their place when they are coming from a content heart and mindset. Not from a place of fear.

But when I look at it what I need and now crave, is time and space to nourish me. Time to dream. Time to take action to obtaining my goals and making my dreams come true. And I don’t feel the need to distract myself from my life right now. I guess this means I am content.

And fuck that feels so good.

So don’t feel lonely. I am right here with you.In fact, we all are.

Love and light, Michelle xx

I Am Not A Robot

This weeks learning curve has been STEEP!!

I am many things. I am awesome. I am a dreamer. A people person. A healer. A mother. A lover. A comedian. Well you get it. The list goes on….

The one thing I am not – yet – is tech savvy. I say yet as I am a determined little soul and I like to at least give it a shot. Oh and for the 1 billionth time… I am NOT a robot!! Weird world we live in where I have to answer that question multiple times daily 😉

So I have thrown myself into the deep end here, in very unfamiliar territory. In a world of widgets and plug-ins and stock photos and cookies – not the good kind – slugs and more acronyms than I care to remember. And it is as crazy as a three year olds birthday party after the piñata has exploded.

I realise at 31 years of age, I was indeed part of the generation of tech savvy children. However, growing up in country Western Australia, I like to joke I technically was approximately 10 years behind the rest of the western world and therefore I am more like a 41 year old. This holds true for some of my jokes, terminology and music choices; but when many grandparents are indeed better versed at this than I, I think my excuses are running out fast.

So here I am, doggy paddling around looking for the ladder so I can exit the water before I drown. Sometimes seemingly going around and around and around in circles never really getting to the destination I had in mind. This type of thing could send me into meltdown. I am talking good old fashioned melt down. Whereby I can see my smaller child self getting ready to stamp her foot and scream for MUUUUUUMMMMMMM!!! Lol bad idea. Probably the only person on the planet less up with this stuff than I. (Love you Mumma – I am definitely your daughter!)

So instead I thought, I need to put this into perspective. Am I going to die from this? No. So why am I so attached to the outcome? Well there is the loaded question…

I am creating my website. All of my new adventures are coming together so I can channel my energy in the forward direction. It has been a huge couple of weeks for me and I have a fire in my belly like never before. I have completed even more Reiki healing courses and have committed to exploring Pellowah – yet another modality for energy healing. Its such an amazing world I have stepped into. You can really see the possibilities only end where your imagination does. So yeah, I definitely now believe in my vision and my ability to achieve it. And I have got to a place in which I feel like WHY NOT!?

How many of us have a dream? An ideal scenario for our lifetime? In any or every area of your life. But we let the fear stop us from going after it. What will people think? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if it is hard? What if it doesn’t work out exactly as I planned? What if, what if, what IF???

All driven by fear. So I decided at this point in time. Who gives a shit?! What if any of those things happen. This journey is about me and the relationship I have with myself and where I am sitting, it would be a disservice to myself if I didn’t give it a shot. Because what’s the alternative?

Always wondering what could have been if I trusted myself and my souls journey and just gave it a go?

So in answer to all my above fears and excuses… What others think essentially is irrelevant – The ones I want around me will be supportive; It is only failure if I don’t try; If – no, not if but when – I succeed again, the people that should be there will be; Of course it will be hard at times – all things that are worth having take time, love, patience and effort; I choose to trust that everything will work out exactly as it should. I choose to no longer be ruled by fear.

~ What if I fall? But Darling, what if you fly?

And fly I will. If you feel inclined pop up to the menu bar and select the SOULBOUND dropdown. Another little adventure I have decided to undertake to broaden my horizons and find my own personal niche in this amazing shift that is taking place in the world.I am so excited to be a part of a change that encourages people to be true to themselves. To be free.

But whatever your desires, I am curious to know if you are living them out in some way to fulfil your soul? To make your heart sing. To you believe in you and your ability to have the life you dream of?

I believe in you. Fear gets you nowhere. It keeps you stuck. Faith and belief is where its at:)

Much love, Michelle xxx