I have had so many moments in the last few weeks in which both myself and those around me are noticing and saying ‘Wow. You’ve changed!’ Well I say, I’ve changed and fuck, but you get my drift.
Such examples include: I left a close friends bday party sober and early as I had responsibilities the next day; I played wing woman and not the flirt for one of my girls on a Thursday; I assertively stood up for myself in multiple situations of being disrespected by customers, colleagues and a close friend; and I’ve stepped back from multiple scenarios around me in which I now see I was trying to ‘fix’ and I’ve learnt I don’t need to. It’s not my journey.
Basically I’ve been saying yes to things that benefit me and my growth and a big loud NO to things that don’t.
The one thing however that has surprised me a little, is underneath all the years of feeling deep sadness about allowing myself to be treated badly and suppressing my wants, needs and desires; I’m actually quite fucking angry. And in ways it’s starting to come out. But here’s the deal. I think it’s a good thing.
Lol I know, I know; I always find the good in every situation, but here is what I have come to know. Anger is demonised. As a society we site it as an expression of lack of control, denote it as a lack of understanding of our emotions and how to deal with them in a positive way and fuel it as something we should fear and be ashamed of feeling.
In arguments, if one person is showing outward ‘anger’ in terms of yelling and frustration while the other is crying, the ‘angry’ person is seen as the perpetrator. But if you step back from the emotions; neither person is rationally coping, showing control or showing deep understanding of how to deal with the situation at hand. Yet the ‘angry’ person is the bad guy. Up until recently I would have thought so too. Until I started to really take ownership of myself and my emotions.
I make me happy; I make me sad.
Now don’t get me wrong, I in no way condone violent, intimidating and threatening behaviour. But to me those expressions aren’t anger. It’s actually rage. As anger itself is at times truly beneficial. It is a pure natural state that we have a right to feel when we perceive we are done wrong by. It is when anger is acted out in either the under-expression – passive/victim mentality – or the over-expression – rage/perpetrator mentality – that in lies the issue. But anger itself, is a natural state.
So as I sat in my therapy session just gone, I mentioned to Amber about this anger that’s been coming up. It’s like I’ve stripped back all the sadness and victim in me and what lies beneath has been bubbling away for some time. Another layer dear onion. Urgh. I felt yuk about myself. Anger is such an ugly emotion I thought. And all those other false beliefs that I listed about it a couple of paragraphs ago.
So the most heartening thing, I could’ve heard in that moment, was exactly what Amber said. ‘Oh my god, yes!!! That’s music to my ears. So you should be!’
And in that moment, I realised it was more than ok. It was something to celebrate. I have lived through years of abandonment, hurt, loss, addiction, physical, emotional and sexual abuse and played it out as the victim. I have passively allowed so many things and situations to occur in my 31 years that have led me to this time right here and now. The universe kept the scenarios coming until I got the point. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF WOMAN!!
So right now in my journey, for me that’s what I will do. I need to feel this anger to move me into action and out of the place of victim in which I have spent my entire time in this body. I have a right to feel it. I do not feel I have to justify why I feel it. And for me right now, it’s moved me into a forward shift. I’m backing myself. Making decisions that benefit me. I’m not taking others stuff on. I’m personalising things less. I’m beginning to really see my power and strength in a whole new light. And god it is freeing!
So whatever feeling you are feeling, don’t beat yourself up for it. Don’t judge yourself or the emotion. It is valid and neccessary. Take the time to look at it. Figure out why it is that you feel that way. Know that you have every right to feel the way you do about any situation or scenario in your life. Your feelings matter. And by being true to them, it will always pull you through.
So I’m happy to sit with this now. Embrace it as me. Necessary for my journey. Eventually it will even out as I gain even more awareness of my reactions. But I now know, I can feel whatever I want, whenever I want to. Don’t demonise your emotions. The power is in what you choose to do with them.
Power, love and light 💪🏼💕✨
Much love, Michelle xxx
Sent from my iPhone