Here we go again… Another Sunday night, another teary puffy eyed me, laying in bed listening to love songs, pondering today’s latest trials, tribulations, releases and wins. Let’s just say, I’ve been grateful this year for hay fever season. It’s a brilliant excuse for the red swollen eyes. Ha! Not really selling this journey right now am I!? I do believe though if the tears are there, they are so for a reason. Don’t fight. Let them come out. And seriously this song …. Melts my heart!
This beautiful rainy Spring Sunday, I woke to the sound of the weather tapping on my bedroom window. Ahhhh. One of my favourite things in the world. I can still picture myself as a very young girl around the age of 3-4 being soothed by the sound of the raindrops on our old farmhouse tin roof. Still to this day, that sounds takes me back there to that feeling. Being warm and tucked in bed, while the unkept world continued on around me. Upon reflection right now writing this, this is one of the few memories I have where I remember feeling safe.
I’ve always been a self soother. And this is what really shifted for me today. In the safety and security of the beautiful souls in my course, I had one of the deepest releases I have ever experienced. It came deep from my gut and I had no control over myself as it poured from my physical body in the same fashion my false beliefs have flooded my mind.
What started as a conversation about me feeling apprehensive about my ability of taking on the role of coach upon completing the course, quickly evolved into a memory of percieved abandonment as my child self that had not so ironically been brought into the forefront in my therapy appointment on Thursday. As I watched my mum walk away from me in my time of distress, I made it mean I wasn’t worth the effort. I wasn’t enough. BAM just like that!
Where the fuck did that come from? I was honestly astonished in myself. How once I opened the flood gates, how my internal dialogue spewed out of my mouth faster than a commentator calling a horse race. The links I have made one thing to mean another. The interesting ways in which my perception of a situation that has helped shape my life and experiences. When my mum walking away in that moment could have been for so many reasons, I made it mean that.
As a mum now myself, this is part terrifying knowing I myself have had to walk away from both my children when upset at times to preserve my own sanity. But it also shows no matter how mindful and consciously we parent or behave in any situation really, we’re all human we all react to certain triggers and we never have control over how someone else will perceive our actions. Their response will directly reflect where they are in their journey. As an opportunity for them to learn and grow within themselves.
So to bring this release to a head Eryka asked me to call my mums energy into the room and allow her energy in to love and nourish me exactly as she has always intended it to. And believe me she has. Has it always been in ways I can recieve it. No. But her intention has always been there. It was me, that had along the way forgotten to allow. I had to focus on opening myself to the experience of really allowing and feeling that love in my heart space. Without expectation or blame. Just be with the intention and feeling of love. And as soon as I realised that it was me that had stopped allowing it in out of fear of being abandoned again, the energy flowed into me. I instantly felt lighter. Loved. Nourished. Connected.
Now don’t get me wrong, it was not this one experience that created this strong belief in me. But as we develop these false ideas or belief systems inside us, it is human nature to find or seek out evidence to support our story. You know the phenomenon where as soon as you look into something, all of a sudden you start seeing it everywhere. As Eryka put it, when you decide you want a red car, all of a sudden you see red cars everywhere. So we seek out things to support and hence add strength to our belief we’re too fat, too skinny, not smart enough, not successful, not rich enough or whatever you perceive you are or aren’t. The thing is if you really look at these false ideas, they’re absolutely full of shit. Or there is something else deeper underlying the percieved issue. Which is where the real soul work begins.
So then as I sit across from one of the most beautiful, animated and insightful souls I have ever met in our next workshopping task, she said something that clicked. I have to take my mind there before my physical form will catch up. The power of intention and visualisation. If action seems too much right now, just start with the intent. The intent to will in what we do want. Allow your mind to expand. Believe in it. Let yourself feel what it would be like to have the life you dream of. In whatever aspect you like. So imagine myself down the track, helping others. Guiding them lovingly through this journey. Allowing them to release all their past hurts and tensions so they stop robbing them of their happiness and wants, needs and desires on a soul level. Empowering them to their own soul power. And let me tell you the visual tickles me pink on every level. And what better time energetically to set these intentions then around this super moon lunar event tomorrow evening.
As for love. The lyrics from the song above give me the feeling I want to feel with my love. I am setting this intention right here and now. And from here on out I will attempt to have my actions reflect this intention and imagery until it manifests into my physical world. Because that’s the kind of love I want to share in. And today opening my heart and allowing love in was truly phenomenal. I didn’t realise that I wasn’t allowing and that hence in turn I wasn’t able to recieve. Now I’ve turned it on, the stars are the limit and they’re shining brighter then ever. And that my dears, is just so heartwarming 💖💖
Peace, love and light
Much love, Michelle xx