I had to pull myself up this week. I wrote an entirely different blog that was a lot saucier than what this is about but I just couldn’t press the publish button. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. Lol. But it wasn’t really related to me as such. It was a generic post about the ultimate match making journey that I was exposed to recently. But as it hasn’t come to anything in my life thus far, I might leave it for another day. When there’s a little bit more to the story 😬😆…
So what I realised was, what really went down for me this week, was a reoccurring situation in my life. I am bloody BRILLIANT at starting things. I am first there. Super excited. Completely immersed. Number 1 cheerleader and advocate or whatever the thing in question is. I have personally started 4 degrees at university and never finished ANY of them. That’s right. None. Science/Business Double – 1 year ; Biomedical Science – 2 years ; Chiropractic – 2 years ; Speech Pathology – 3 years. I’ve also done massage, ABA therapy training, creative writing, wine affiliation courses and a host of other things I honestly only remember about when they come up in conversation. So I am kind of like a jack of all trades and a master of none. It’s kind of a running joke in my family. I am the eternal student that never quite gets there. The career commitmaphobe.
So this week when it came up that it was time for me to reenrol for Speech next year after taking 12 months off doing a few online units, I felt the anxiety rise again. Do I want to actually do this? Am I just doing it to do something? Is it to please my father? Society? So other people deem me worthy? So I can stroke my ego and have a bit of paper? But I really did enjoy it. I was really good at it. The move cross country affected me here to. I loved my uni in Perth. I loved my cohort of fellow students. I was a HD student. I never found my rhythm in Melbourne. Everything fell apart and as it did, my drive to succeed in the degree went with it. So is that telling me to try harder or to take note that isn’t the path that was meant for me?
The obvious points of veiw have come up. You’re so close why stop now? It’s a useful degree to have. It would work well as a single mum with children. It will give me a sense of achievement and self worth. All really really valid points. And don’t get me wrong, it was fulfilling in a sense. I loved the notion I could help and facilitate those who struggle with all forms of communication. For I am very passionate about talking 😆. But something in me is fighting. And for whatever reason I struggled a little to listen to the voice. To differentiate between would I think I should do and what I feel I should do.
Then it clicked. Everything happens for a reason. These half starts were all necessary. They’re all valid. All important. No I didn’t end up with prestige in society, but I have gained a huge amount of knowledge along the way. And what I choose to do with that should always 100% FEEL right. Otherwise I’ll always wonder what if.
So I have decided to be brave. To do the unconventional thing. To take my chances and not follow what I, and most people in my world ‘think’ I “should” do. This is the whole concept behind what I am learning. Let go of the fear. The ego traps. The shoulds. The expectations of yourself and from others. If I am honest. I went to uni as I was told I would never be anything if I didn’t. And that would be why none of it has worked out for me. So many different circumstances came into play in all 4 degrees and all of them were in a sense created by me to fulfill a deep belief that I myself am not enough. Therefore I will never be able to succeed. That’s pretty deep shit I say.
So basically I was in it for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t being true to me. I was following what I thought others wanted me to be in order to be loved, admired and respected. I was driven by fear. And the universe had to keep throwing shit my way until I was ready to listen.
Now… Well now I have found a new way. I found it on my own. Well I was guided to it on Facebook and it has truly resonated with me every step of the way. I am not going back to Speech. If I’m honest, I knew that all along. I threw my paperwork out months ago. I just hated when people brought it up, that they sounded disappointed in my decision. In me. But as it doesn’t really affect them longterm, I’m sure they’ll get over it. I am going to put my all into what feels right.
Consciousness Coaching feels oh so right. Like nothing has before. The Reiki also feels oh so right. The profound positive, encouraging and nurturing energy I have got from these two modes of healing myself in my opinion needs to be shared. And I am honoured that they have come into my journey. I’m so ready to share the love.
So if you’ve followed this over from Facebook or Instagram please shoot me a private message and take me up on the offer ! Let’s get this ball rolling.
I’m ready to commit !
Much love and light, Michelle xxx