Protecting My Tank

It was one of those weeks that knocked me around a bit. You know, the where the f**k did my inner peace go kind of times. The I thought I was over this stuff, had moved on from this, or was further along in my growth journey then where my head is currently sitting, type moments.

Maybe it’s the energy of the full moon in play. Maybe it was the repressed childhood stuff that came up in my therapy session that I had never said out loud before. Maybe it was the random contact I had with my ex. Maybe it’s my friend I am trying to help even though she doesn’t seem to be ready. Maybe it was the kids dad being away and feeling like it’s coming at me from all angles all day every day. But regardless, I really struggled to pull myself out of my head this week. The universe is just checking in to bring me back into my shoes and showing me the stuff that still needs work.

But sometimes feeling everything so much can feel really tiring. One thing I am guilty of doing is hoping, wishing and even expecting people to behave in the way I do. What goes around comes around. And if I feel I am not been given the same care, concern, respect and love that I give, I am prone to taking it personally. Rational me knows it’s not. If people don’t treat me right it’s speaks more of them then it does of me. And it’s  up to me to let them know how I feel or to walk away from the situation. But when the old patterns are in there hard, my emotional self can get very carried away with the feelings of it all.

I had a rough day on Friday in particular. Really struggling to get out of my head. A situation happened at work and child me came out. I went quiet and sulky. This only made me feel worse but I almost blew when one of my colleagues said to me; ‘You can’t be sad! I rely on your mood to keep my mood up!’ This made me feel so overwhelmed and like I had failed on some level. I know, silly right. I am human. I’m more than allowed to have my moments. But this is how I do feel in my world sometimes. Like I need to hold the energy up for all those around me.

But lately, I’ve been totally not doing that for myself. My tank is nearing empty. I even heard myself say out loud. ‘I’ve got nothing left to give.’ And I know as soon as I close down like that, I only hurt myself. It’s quite mind blowing really. If I feel that way, I want someone to help pick me up. But the law of attraction is everything. It’s very obvious to me. If I’m in it, my phone doesn’t ring, my messages and emails slow and my heart starts to feel heavy. The more I want, the less I get.

This is because it isn’t coming from a place of good intention. I want someone to give me energy to pick me up as I gave mine away to others and depleted myself. But I have given with the notion on some level of my being that from the giving I want to recieve something in return. I desperately want someone to come, pick me up, hold me, listen, care, support and stay until I feel I can do it all over again. But others are off on their own journey. This is not wrong. It’s just life.  But in this acting out of energy pulling, the cycle continues. The only way to break the circuit, is to move back to giving it to myself. Outside gratification and validation is always short lived. Not that I don’t believe a partner, friends or family can be this support at times; but if you can’t give it to you, you can’t truly recieve. It’s time again to put into practice all the things I’m learning and speaking.

Now I think sometimes it’s ok to have a good sook. My psychotherapist told me as an empath, I can allow myself almost scheduled times to lock myself away and let it out. When life is building I, and I believe many, can feel it. When those moments happen and you think if one more thing goes down I’m going to lose my shit. So I was encouraged when I feel that coming I could benefit from making a time. Lock the door. Put on some sad tunes (currently Dancing on My Own by Callum Scott has been getting to me lol – but anything that brings up missed memories is usually a winner) and sob it out. At first it hurts. Then it feels good. Then you feel relieved and a bit like a dick and that’s when you know you’ve had your quota and you’re ready to join the world again.

Mastering the notion, that thoughts are merely suggestions is where my journey is guiding me. That to me is unbelievably powerful. It puts all the power within you.  Along with the idea that you can never really change any other persons behaviour or actions, just your reactions to it. I interacted with two of the people that are to do with the multiple situations I mentioned that were weighing on me in the second paragraph today. I was already feeling it wasn’t right by me, but I was acting out as the old me. Wanting to help. People please. Ensure everyone was happy and looked after. So then in return I would be loved and appreciated right!? Wrong. I was not. Because essentially in the end of the day I wasn’t being true to myself. I put their needs before my own. And no one wins when it’s a game of egos.

So I am trying to flip it. Instead of, if I do this, this and this to help, I have chosen to step away. From my friend and my ex. It doesn’t mean I am not here. Love and care does not simply disappear. But I am putting my needs first. Because, when I act it out it I just give, give, give, with great expectation and little return. Trickles of compliments or effort in return keep me scrounging for the crumbs. But eventually I will starve.

So initially it was hard tonight. To tell two people I love, I will no longer put up with their behaviour towards me. To stop trying to help. To save. To take it on as my own for I feel so deeply. To state that I believe that I deserve more. And I do believe it. But now I need to back it up by displaying it to the world too. By continually giving it to myself first.

If these, or any people are meant to be in my world, I need to trust that they will be. But not at my expense. There is no blame. It always takes two people to have a dynamic or, as they say, a dance. But I am changing my dance steps. I’ve got this calm new vibe and I want to go with it. Not keep having my toes stepped on.

So for me, moving into this holistic world personally and professionally, my focus will be how to not let the energy of others affect me. That if someone says or does something both good or bad in my eyes, I have the complete power within me to react or not react in the best possible way for me.

What an awesome existence that would be.

In fact, it might be my next blog topic! Or not. I’ll see how I feel 😆😍

Light to all ✨

Much love, Michelle xxx

 

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