Chemical Heart

So as I sat at my crystal and candle shrine channelling the new moon energy tonight, I wrote my 5 new moon intentions for this moon cycle. My coach Eryka encouraged me when my response to another text showed her straight away I was a bit foggy. You know when you overcompensate. Like I’m just so fucking fabulous and happy right now and everything is peachy keen. I am 100% definitely not in my shit today!

Well, she saw right through this attempt and gave me the above proactive task to shift my focus to something worth engaging in. It’s so common for emotions to be high at this point of the moon cycle. Even if you think I’m a nut job here, think about the power of the moon. It’s gravitational pull controls our oceans  tides, it brings us light in an otherwise pitch black night, and many people throw around comments of people going a tad weird around the full moon aspect of the cycle.

In fact, multiple studies have discovered strong positive correlations between increases in crime rate on the nights of a full moon. But as all energy, there are light and shadow aspects depending on the individual and where they are at in there own personal journey. Mother Nature however, sees the new moon as a time for renewal. A chance to regenerate, restore and nourish. She channels it into the light aspect. Hence why it is a perfect time to cleanse your crystals, spaces and yourself if you are open to it.

Any way…. Massive digression there 🤓

One of my 5 intentions was to attract a loving, caring, spontaneous, passionate and safe man into my life. No rush but these intention things can take time for the universe to deliver, so I thought I’d get in early to show the forces I am at least open to it.  I am definitely over and beyond the bs now. I know what I deserve and I know one day we will find eachother. But there has definitely been a little nagging thought in the back of my mind fuelled by my perception of information I had recieved around chemistry in a therapy session.

Is it possible to have BOTH passion and safety?

I thought I got a brief glimmer of this at one point, but it was all smoke and mirrors as it turned out to definitely not be a safe place to invest my heart. So in my experience, the answer has been no. I have experienced either one or the other. And honestly, I’m confused as to which I prefer.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a massicist. Obviously safety within a relationship is an essential part of the dynamic in order for it to be healthy, but in my opinion so is a healthy sex life. And not just sex. But passion in life, in each other’s stories and interests, in keeping the love alive and the want to grow together. So damn it, I want both!

So in comes the universe. It honestly blows my mind on an hourly basis most days. When your plugged in, it’s quite amazing how we’re all entwined. The people we come across to learn our lessons. Whether it be for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Last night, I ended up somewhere unexpected in quite a random manner too. It all just happened quickly and as I tend to do, I just went with it. It was a night like a choose your own adventure book. Never a dull moment. Anyway, so I come across this guy. And he was intriguing to say the least.

He was quite a dominant personality, which I can at times not feel like being around when everyone is trying to mingle, but this guy had my full attention. He was a very knowledgable guy who had honestly crammed so much into his 40 years in terms of careers and degrees, you couldn’t help but take your hat off to him. So when it evolved he was also a trained psychotherapist, I was in for the long haul. Because my sessions are all about my stuff, I’ve never really delved into why she does certain things she does. So my questions were flying at him. I’d say poor bloke, but he actually didn’t seem to mind the 50 questions. And the answers were all well worded and carefully considered so I quickly trusted his professional judgement.

So then the four barrelled question I was dying to ask. Does he believe it is possible to have both strong chemistry or passion AS WELL AS the feeling of being safe within a long term relationship? Or is that intense passion or chemistry we feel with someone, actually not a good sign of long term success? Is it more of a lust thing, that then wears off as you get to know them and realise you’re the only one who cleans up the clothes on the floor that you just ripped off eachother?

We’ve all heard the saying, ‘You don’t want to marry the hottest sex guy’. Those really intense sexual energy pulling types are likely to be energetically picked up on by many other hopeful girls looking for that sexual bliss. But from my life time and listening to my friends, in the healthiest and most long term relationships, the sex was good. There was love, care, concern and still happy endings. But rarely have I heard these situations to be with that one time or person that their girl parts will never forget. Or that it stays passionate and exciting.

Anyway,  as I finish my speal, he was looking at me with an excited expression. When he spoke, I got why. He was telling me my dreams can indeed come true. And the term for this love connection is the ‘Euphoric Love’. Which by the way, is whatever you desire it to be. It’s your ultimate. You’re ideal. And barring you’re after something completely out of the ordinary, these types of relationships are 100% possible. If you’re both willing to put in the time, love and effort.

Well thank YOU Doc! That’s all the encouragement I needed!

He went on to tell me how my chances increase immensely from the work I am doing on myself and also a couple of tell tale signs that you found your one. It should actually just always feel normal.  Comfortable. Like home. But then spark with a kiss. Sex will feel like you can’t even remember if there was anyone else you had ever been with,  but not in a lustful intense way, in a safe, loving and pleasurable way that just grows and grows with the rest of your compatible and loving connection.

Ahhhhhhhhhh……

I had to walk away at the point and calm myself down. I mean this guy not only described my bliss, he told me it’s realistic. Achievable. And that I should aim for the stars.

What a gorgeous human being! I just love how lucky I am to consistantly meet so many amazing people on my journey.

And as I mentioned this sentiment to him, he floored me again with a phrase that I always say. ‘Well of course Michelle. Like seeks like.

Mind officially over excited and blown!

It just keeps on coming! Exciting times! Wishing you all your ‘ Euphoric Love’ match.

Much love, Michelle xxx

Follow Through

I had to pull myself up this week. I wrote an entirely different blog that was a lot saucier than what this is about but I just couldn’t press the publish button. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. Lol. But it wasn’t really related to me as such. It was a generic post about the ultimate match making journey that I was exposed to recently. But as it hasn’t come to anything in my life thus far, I might leave it for another day. When there’s a little bit more to the story 😬😆…

So what I realised was, what really went down for me this week, was a reoccurring situation in my life. I am bloody BRILLIANT at starting things. I am first there. Super excited. Completely immersed. Number 1 cheerleader and advocate or whatever the thing in question is. I have personally started 4 degrees at university and never finished ANY of them. That’s right. None. Science/Business Double – 1 year ; Biomedical Science – 2 years ; Chiropractic – 2 years ; Speech Pathology – 3 years. I’ve also done massage, ABA therapy training, creative writing, wine affiliation courses and a host of other things I honestly only remember about when they come up in conversation. So I am kind of like a jack of all trades and a master of none. It’s kind of a running joke in my family. I am the eternal student that never quite gets there. The career commitmaphobe.

So this week when it came up that it was time for me to reenrol for Speech next year after taking 12 months off doing a few online units, I felt the anxiety rise again. Do I want to actually do this? Am I just doing it to do something? Is it to please my father? Society? So other people deem me worthy? So I can stroke my ego and have a bit of paper? But I really did enjoy it. I was really good at it. The move cross country affected me here to. I loved my uni in Perth. I loved my cohort of fellow students. I was a HD student. I never found my rhythm in Melbourne. Everything fell apart and as it did, my drive to succeed in the degree went with it. So is that telling me to try harder or to take note that isn’t the path that was meant for me?

The obvious points of veiw have come up. You’re so close why stop now? It’s a useful degree to have. It would work well as a single mum with children. It will give me a sense of achievement and self worth. All really really valid points. And don’t get me wrong, it was fulfilling in a sense. I loved the notion I could help and facilitate those who struggle with all forms of communication. For I am very passionate about talking 😆. But something in me is fighting. And for whatever reason I struggled a little to listen to the voice. To differentiate between would I think I should do and what I feel I should do.

Then it clicked. Everything happens for a reason. These half starts were all necessary. They’re all valid. All important. No I didn’t end up with prestige in society, but I have gained a huge amount of knowledge along the way. And what I choose to do with that should always 100% FEEL right. Otherwise I’ll always wonder what if.

So I have decided to be brave. To do the unconventional thing. To take my chances and not follow what I, and most people in my world ‘think’ I “should” do. This is the whole concept behind what I am learning. Let go of the fear. The ego traps. The shoulds. The expectations of yourself and from others. If I am honest. I went to uni as I was told I would never be anything if I didn’t. And that would be why none of it has worked out for me. So many different circumstances came into play in all 4 degrees and all of them were in a sense created by me to fulfill a deep belief that I myself am not enough. Therefore I will never be able to succeed. That’s pretty deep shit I say.

So basically I was in it for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t being true to me. I was following what I thought others wanted me to be in order to be loved, admired and respected. I was driven by fear. And the universe had to keep throwing shit my way until I was ready to listen.

Now… Well now I have found a new way. I found it on my own. Well I was guided to it on Facebook and it has truly resonated with me every step of the way. I am not going back to Speech. If I’m honest, I knew that all along. I threw my paperwork out months ago. I just hated when people brought it up, that they sounded disappointed in my decision. In me. But as it doesn’t really affect them longterm, I’m sure they’ll get over it. I am going to put my all into what feels right.

Consciousness Coaching feels oh so right. Like nothing has before. The Reiki also feels oh so right. The profound positive, encouraging and nurturing energy I have got from these two modes of healing myself in my opinion needs to be shared. And I am honoured that they have come into my journey. I’m so ready to share the love.

So if you’ve followed this over from Facebook or Instagram please shoot me a private message and take me up on the offer ! Let’s get this ball rolling.

I’m ready to commit !

Much love and light, Michelle xxx

 

Protecting My Tank

It was one of those weeks that knocked me around a bit. You know, the where the f**k did my inner peace go kind of times. The I thought I was over this stuff, had moved on from this, or was further along in my growth journey then where my head is currently sitting, type moments.

Maybe it’s the energy of the full moon in play. Maybe it was the repressed childhood stuff that came up in my therapy session that I had never said out loud before. Maybe it was the random contact I had with my ex. Maybe it’s my friend I am trying to help even though she doesn’t seem to be ready. Maybe it was the kids dad being away and feeling like it’s coming at me from all angles all day every day. But regardless, I really struggled to pull myself out of my head this week. The universe is just checking in to bring me back into my shoes and showing me the stuff that still needs work.

But sometimes feeling everything so much can feel really tiring. One thing I am guilty of doing is hoping, wishing and even expecting people to behave in the way I do. What goes around comes around. And if I feel I am not been given the same care, concern, respect and love that I give, I am prone to taking it personally. Rational me knows it’s not. If people don’t treat me right it’s speaks more of them then it does of me. And it’s  up to me to let them know how I feel or to walk away from the situation. But when the old patterns are in there hard, my emotional self can get very carried away with the feelings of it all.

I had a rough day on Friday in particular. Really struggling to get out of my head. A situation happened at work and child me came out. I went quiet and sulky. This only made me feel worse but I almost blew when one of my colleagues said to me; ‘You can’t be sad! I rely on your mood to keep my mood up!’ This made me feel so overwhelmed and like I had failed on some level. I know, silly right. I am human. I’m more than allowed to have my moments. But this is how I do feel in my world sometimes. Like I need to hold the energy up for all those around me.

But lately, I’ve been totally not doing that for myself. My tank is nearing empty. I even heard myself say out loud. ‘I’ve got nothing left to give.’ And I know as soon as I close down like that, I only hurt myself. It’s quite mind blowing really. If I feel that way, I want someone to help pick me up. But the law of attraction is everything. It’s very obvious to me. If I’m in it, my phone doesn’t ring, my messages and emails slow and my heart starts to feel heavy. The more I want, the less I get.

This is because it isn’t coming from a place of good intention. I want someone to give me energy to pick me up as I gave mine away to others and depleted myself. But I have given with the notion on some level of my being that from the giving I want to recieve something in return. I desperately want someone to come, pick me up, hold me, listen, care, support and stay until I feel I can do it all over again. But others are off on their own journey. This is not wrong. It’s just life.  But in this acting out of energy pulling, the cycle continues. The only way to break the circuit, is to move back to giving it to myself. Outside gratification and validation is always short lived. Not that I don’t believe a partner, friends or family can be this support at times; but if you can’t give it to you, you can’t truly recieve. It’s time again to put into practice all the things I’m learning and speaking.

Now I think sometimes it’s ok to have a good sook. My psychotherapist told me as an empath, I can allow myself almost scheduled times to lock myself away and let it out. When life is building I, and I believe many, can feel it. When those moments happen and you think if one more thing goes down I’m going to lose my shit. So I was encouraged when I feel that coming I could benefit from making a time. Lock the door. Put on some sad tunes (currently Dancing on My Own by Callum Scott has been getting to me lol – but anything that brings up missed memories is usually a winner) and sob it out. At first it hurts. Then it feels good. Then you feel relieved and a bit like a dick and that’s when you know you’ve had your quota and you’re ready to join the world again.

Mastering the notion, that thoughts are merely suggestions is where my journey is guiding me. That to me is unbelievably powerful. It puts all the power within you.  Along with the idea that you can never really change any other persons behaviour or actions, just your reactions to it. I interacted with two of the people that are to do with the multiple situations I mentioned that were weighing on me in the second paragraph today. I was already feeling it wasn’t right by me, but I was acting out as the old me. Wanting to help. People please. Ensure everyone was happy and looked after. So then in return I would be loved and appreciated right!? Wrong. I was not. Because essentially in the end of the day I wasn’t being true to myself. I put their needs before my own. And no one wins when it’s a game of egos.

So I am trying to flip it. Instead of, if I do this, this and this to help, I have chosen to step away. From my friend and my ex. It doesn’t mean I am not here. Love and care does not simply disappear. But I am putting my needs first. Because, when I act it out it I just give, give, give, with great expectation and little return. Trickles of compliments or effort in return keep me scrounging for the crumbs. But eventually I will starve.

So initially it was hard tonight. To tell two people I love, I will no longer put up with their behaviour towards me. To stop trying to help. To save. To take it on as my own for I feel so deeply. To state that I believe that I deserve more. And I do believe it. But now I need to back it up by displaying it to the world too. By continually giving it to myself first.

If these, or any people are meant to be in my world, I need to trust that they will be. But not at my expense. There is no blame. It always takes two people to have a dynamic or, as they say, a dance. But I am changing my dance steps. I’ve got this calm new vibe and I want to go with it. Not keep having my toes stepped on.

So for me, moving into this holistic world personally and professionally, my focus will be how to not let the energy of others affect me. That if someone says or does something both good or bad in my eyes, I have the complete power within me to react or not react in the best possible way for me.

What an awesome existence that would be.

In fact, it might be my next blog topic! Or not. I’ll see how I feel 😆😍

Light to all ✨

Much love, Michelle xxx

 

Swipe Right?

So basically this week I’m perplexed – perplexed is my word of the month by the way 😆. So here I am all snug on the couch being all perplexed about whether or not I join the online dating scene. I know, I know; Am I a dinosaur? Where have I been? Have I been living under a rock? And all that jazz. The answers are no I’m part unicorn though, I generally live in my own little universe and no I live in a unit complex.

I don’t know, call me old fashioned but there is something about that moment when you lock eyes with someone for the first time and feel their presence around you and how you bounce off eachother, that I don’t get how it can be emulated through a screen. That initial excitement and attraction isn’t just based on your best selfie. It’s a whole mind, spirit, soul experience – with a nod to the body of course; whatever that means for you.

Sure via messages, you can have banter. You can make eachother laugh. Flirt. Get to know little things about that person, and organise the opportunity to meet up with someone you may not have connected with otherwise. But to me, I’ve always thought it was a little unnatural. When I am attracted to someone, it is a whole body feeling.

In saying that, I get it. People are designed to be connected. But people are busy. People tend to spend a lot of time on technology and therefore can fit a flirt and stalk session easily into their daily tasks. Actually getting ready and going out to increase the opportunity of meeting potentially eligible dates seems like a lot more effort. I get the win of being able to talk the talk from the couch, in your trackies without having to shave your legs until the actual meet up date is scheduled. That part I do get.

And I get how addictive it can be. Sitting at a cafe with my girlfriend the other morning, she offered me ‘a turn’ on her Tinder app to see what it was about. I was in hysterics. That might sound mean but the whole thing just cracked me up. The unsaid template that is followed; The profile selfie – I’m hot; the photo with the hot friends – my hot friends will get along with your hot friends; the travelling shot – I am cultured and interesting; the photo with a pet – I’d be amazing with your babies – let’s practice making some; the workout photo;

sexy-and-i-know-it

Just writing this, I am in cafe cackling away to myself. Now I realise this is judgemental and as I haven’t done any online dating ever, I can’t really have a valid educated decision on the topic. And this is where I am at with it. Should I give it a go so at least I can say I tried and also so I don’t feel like I am withholding? Maybe through my abstaining from this option, I am denying myself the opportunity to meet Mr Right?

I mean my sister met her now husband online and they are very happily married and just had their second child together. The father of my kids also met his new partner online. They have been very happily together for about 15 months now. There are countless success stories in my world of the online dating scene. And to be fair my approach hasn’t really been working for me, so what do I have to lose?

My girlfriend who shared her Tinder with me, was very encouraging. If anything she said, it gets you out there and “Trust me. It’s a huge confident boost!” Basically if you are a girl on Tinder, you are bound to attract a load of male attention. I was momentarily curious. Everyone loves attention. Everyone loves to be wanted and made to feel special. But as I sat next to her on the couch that night listening to the comments that were being made, I quickly closed off again. The guy with the selfie on the toilet photo or the guy who questioned everything from toilet paper preferences to her retirement dream in the first message. One even said after a quick hello – and I quote “wanna come to mine on Saturday night to drink and f**k?” WOW! Charming! And apparently not that abnormal. But apparently you just ignore those ones.

I shared this story with my baby daddy. As I mentioned, he met his new partner on the same app. He was telling me, that it is all about the site that you are on. But, he stressed Tinder used to be all about just “hooking up” when his friends used to tell him about it back when he was with me. But now, it is seen as a legitimate dating app. Somewhere to find your partner. You know that guy you always dreamed of that offers drinks and a f**k on your first meeting. I feel weak at the knees. NOT! Let’s be honest as a female if that is what you wanted all you have to do is go to a pub or club any night of the week and there you go. But that is so far from what I want these days, I feel perplexed. Are all the dating sites as doomed as I have in my mind?

This topic came up at my Consciousness coaching course yesterday. Two of the beautiful, intelligent, caring and loving woman in the room were sharing their experiences with online dating. After a few giggles at some of the catches they had met online, we got down to it. To look at it from the perspective of all the work we are doing. Yes dating sites like Tinder appeal to the ego. But less likely to appeal to your soul. It is a quick fix to feel better in the moment. Just like the old fashioned one night stand after a wink across the bar. And maybe it will evolve into something more meaningful but where I am at right now, I think it would just discourage me. I really think I am past the BS and ready for something real. Loving. Trusting. Long-lasting. And I know I deserve it.

But as I do always say. Never say never and I’ll try anything once. No regrets ☺️

So stay tuned. I’ll let you know if I decide to have a play. In the mean time I’ll be brainstorming about which travel, selfie and workout shots I’m going to put up. Big life decisions!

So wish me luck! Love and light ✨

Much love, Michelle xx

Soul Food 💗

Food trends are everywhere. Are you Vegetarian? Vegan? Raw? Pescitarian? Paleo? Dairy, Wheat & Nut free? Alkaline Dieting? Blood Type Dieting? Atkins? Zone Dieting? Well working in the food industry, I’d hypothesise you are now part of the majority. Everyone seems to be looking for something to help with optimising their health. And power to you! If it works for you, that’s great!

But as I lay here tonight in bed all warm under my doona listening to the rain outside, I look across to my beautiful daughter laying beside me. She’s so unbelievably beautiful. Inside and out. She has an appetite for life, like no one I’ve met. And she loves HUGE! She also gives as good as she gets and is very comfortable in her own skin. She’s been in my bed for a couple of weeks now. Never something I thought would happen. I’ve always been really strong about that being my space. Maybe we both just need the closeness at the moment. Whatever it is, we’ll work through it in time.

Parenting is a series of contradictions. The best are all the parenting decisions we make before we become parents. You remember,

When I’m a parent, I will never bribe my child; Reality: If you eat all your vegetables you can have icecream… We just call it incentives or positive parenting to make ourselves feel better: Or…

When I’m a parent, my kid will only eat organic foods grown from locally sourced farms; Reality: snot becomes a food group. Well I guess it is natural and locally sourced at least.

But you get my point. And from my experience this continues throughout the different life stages.

So here is my girl sleeping next to me for the first times in her 5 years and I just get lost in my thoughts about how she must be experiencing this world. How do both of my kids perceive this world? I love to ponder these things. But tonight my attention was on a topic that has come up a bit since having my daughter. This whole thing of physical appearance. It has been an ongoing thing in her short life and that of her little peers of them often commenting and focusing on outward ‘beauty’ and physical traits. My niece even commented one day that she would only eat salad, as that’s what Barbie eats. She was 4:(

Our Western world is slammed with imagery of ideals. What we should look like, how we should dress, where we should live, what we should drive etc etc etc. Marketing would have you believe if you have all these things you will be the epitome of happy. We adults act this out, every single day and these beautiful little sponges we cherish so dearly, pick up on every little bit of it.

I mean it is not entirely new. I’ve gotten comments my whole life about my weight. I was called ‘Ana’ (anorexic), a surfboard (flat and straight up and down), and a boy. If I had a dollar for every time I was told to not turn sideways or I’d get lost or to eat a burger, well I’d have a LOT of Big Macs.

Truth is I eat a lot. I love food. I was blessed with a fast metabolism. But I also eat well. I love food that is good for my body. I treat my body well for the most part and always make sure I treat myself too. For some reason people think it’s ok to comment on this. It’s not. If you wouldn’t look at someone and tell them to lay off the burgers; it’s equally as rude to tell someone they need to eat more.

Its not new for these types of comments to get thrown around. In fact it’s almost a right of passage in growing up to be on the recieving end of some of this. Character building if you will. But I think everyone would agree. It’s turned up a notch since we were kids and it only seems to be getting worse.

My take on this is because we, the parents, the people who are here to guide this younger generation, are not entirely happy or confident within ourselves. So if it’s all around our kids in their shows and entertainment, in their magazines, displayed by their peers, and modelled by their parents… How are kids going to know that they are enough just the way they are?

If they sit down at the dinner table and their parents are on this diet or that diet, who’s displaying a healthy relationship to food?

At my reiki course the other week, I actually felt uncomfortable with my food choices. Everyone was discussing this new super food or that new substitute for a common food that is now considered poison. And honestly I don’t know enough to comment either way. I don’t disagree that the way we eat in general needs to be discussed so we can make good choices, but like the focus on our physical appearance to me, it’s getting out of hand.

All we need to focus on in my opinion, is self love. If you love yourself, are happy and have respect for the vessel that is your body, then your body will function just as its supposed to and you will easily look exactly the way you should. And that optimum is as different for everyone as we are different! Makes sense doesn’t it!?

What works for one, won’t work for others. But don’t deprive yourself. And don’t over indulge. Just LISTEN to what your body is telling you and the rest should flow.

Stop shaming people for their weight. Big or small. Stop shaming people for their food choices. Why don’t we start telling people all the good things about them and encourage them to see the good things too. Then in that they will only want to treat themselves and their body with the love and respect it deserves.

So as I look at my beautiful daughter I’ve made a decision. I’m going to encourage my kids, starting tomorrow, to tell themselves something they love about themselves in the mirror every morning. Every single day. Looking right at themselves with love and adoration. I do it for me as a part of the process to undo some of the past hurts and to brighten my future. Imagine a generation of people who’ve done it all along! I think that would be one happy healthy bunch of people.

I honestly believe that self love is the answer to everything. I also believe it’s up to us to start this change. Let’s stop looking outward for happiness and joy.

Its been inside each and every one of us all along:)

Namaste ✨

Much love, Michelle xxx