This weeks topic is a little uncomfortable to write about. Well that’s already bullshit, it’s actually a lot uncomfortable. I toyed with the idea in my mind about sharing and I came to the conclusion that this was the whole reason I started this journey. It was for myself to create a space in which I can grow, learn, express myself and put myself out there. Push through my fears. Regardless of outcomes. I’m being true to me. What I never imagined is how this has given me a reflective platform to healing myself. Because I write it all in one go, with little editing or revision, it is a pure and true insight into me. Raw as it gets.
So of late, I have been getting a lot of really sore throats and coughs. Yes, I am busy. Yes, I have two kids in daycare and school who bring home everything. Yes, I have been burning the candle at both ends, but to me I believe there is more to it. Why always my throat? Now I believe it’s because it correlates to some other massive breakthrough in my life.
Not too long ago, as I sat in my therapy session a topic came up. I had touched on it briefly a couple of times but due to the large amounts of other things I was dealing with in the last couple of years, it hasn’t taken centre stage. Until now.
I was a young teenager when I was sexually assaulted. Not on one occasion either. That was hard to write. At the time this was happening to me, I was also involved as a witness in a criminal trial for another sexual assault case. It was put to me and I was fearful, that I would weaken my friends case I was testifying for and also that no one would believe me. So I kept quiet. I said nothing, except to one girlfriend and then a random guy I broke down to when he attempted to take me home one night a year or so later.
So what did I do. It’s quite astounding actually, how our mind and body decides to cope. I had nowhere safe to go (or so I rationalised to myself) so I kept it all inside. I repressed it. I ignored it. I did drugs. I drank. I gave myself to people who didn’t respect me, the same way I didn’t respect myself. Because I blamed myself. Then I ran. I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran. I took off around Australia to try and escape my past.
But as we all know. You can’t escape it. This stuff follows you until you deal with it head on. So I came home after a while and preceded to fall into an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. And so the cycle continued. And this was all before my 19th bday. I had zero respect for me. Men I attracted had about as much. It affected my ability to understand what a healthy dynamic with a man was. I thought I was there for sex. I alone wasn’t enough to please someone. That sex is an added benefit to a beautiful bond between to people who love eachother.
As I am blessed, the universe offered me a reprieve when I met the father of my kids. I ran to him for safety. But the uneven dynamic still occurred as he was more of a father role than a lover. We were never really equals. Noones fault just the dynamic we created. I needed at that moment in time. He so did he for his own reasons. But the writing was on the wall. It all had to blow because I hadn’t dealt with my past. And blow it did. And two more unhealthy dynamics later, I am finally ready to look at it.
For anyone who has been through this. I applaud you. You are strong. You are brave. You are not alone. Yes the statistics are scary how common this complete abuse of trust and respect is carried out. And as like in my case often by someone you know.
In saying that, your unique experience and how you have chosen to deal with it and how it affects you, is your decision and journey. You are not a statistic. You are a beautiful soul who was put through an experience that caused you pain and hurt and fear. The physical scars generally heal. The emotional ones take time. Be gentle.
I have just learned the power of not giving myself. I am in a complete state of healing right now. My body is releasing in ways I am only beginning to understand. A while ago I was reading Heal Your Body – by Louise Hay. The theory behind how our emotions are often tied to the expression of where we manifest these emotions in our body really resonated with me. She offers the ailment, what it is possibly emotionally linked to, and then an affirmation to say to help neutralise the belief. The fact she treated herself of cancer also provides strong evidence.
Then I take the energy healing reiki course. Couple that with my Psychotherapist, My Consciousness Coaching and my Charkra balancing retreat and I’m getting the same information delivered to me in many different forms. So one would have to think there is something to this. The universe is basically smacking me on the head with it.
So the third Charkra, the throat Charkra, is not surprisingly the Charkra or energy centre of communication. Not just everyday conversing but also our self talk. If you remember at the beginning, I commented how my sicknesses lately have been insanely sore throats. Well when I connected this, it was a light bulb moment. I’m in no way shitting you, this directly correlated with my releasing this unsaid hurt of the past. Every time a release came. I would get a sore throat.
I am finally saying all the things I have needed to say for a really long time. And it is so freeing. I was sitting thinking how exhausting it is but really I need to embrace it. Let the pain lead me to the light like it has so many times before.
I can understand why all my beautiful guides and teachers have been rejoicing in my sharing of such a hurtful past. But I get it. It’s another couple of layers I am peeling back and bringing me closer to freedom.
I love my story. It has made me every little piece of who I am today. I don’t condone what happened to me. I also don’t hold anger. That would only feed my fear. But fuck I have to be so gentle with me right now. And I will be. I am holding that frightened girl and never letting go. Until she is ready.
I was instructed, every time I go into a situation where I would fall into my old ways and start to fall into my old belief system of men will only really want me for one thing, I need to put an imaginable belt over my sixth Charkra. The sexual Charkra. It is also one of the Charkras of intuition. The other being the Third Eye. But this also shows that when you are interrfeared with on a sexual dimension it can often lead to self doubt and lack of trust in your own abilities to judge a situation. I know for me I hands down doubted my intuition.
So when I was asked to close my eyes and imagine this belt, I described a shiny light gold belt made out of tin foil twisted or folded at the back to hold it together. It’s ok to laugh. I did. No wonder it was so bloody easy to pull off and charm me! So I was gently guided to imagine it more as a strong woven fabric with 5 double bra like hooks at the back that I was to imagine clipping together on the tightest hook. The width should cover the whole area of my sixth Charkra. Just an extra layer of protection for me while I learn to build my strength.
All I hope from sharing this, is that someone else will not feel alone. If it helps someone to talk and ask for help, I would be more than a little chuffed. Entirely for you. Talking and facing these memories is all I can do in order to deal with it and move on to a happier and healthier life. I just want it to be known your story is as equally important as anyone elses.
You are not to blame. You should not feel shame. You deserve to be happy and love yourself completely.
You are enough.
Much love, Michelle xxx