Loving Raw Honesty

Urgh! I’m in this really weird place right now. Not weird bad. Just like nowhere I’ve been before. It seems foreign. I’m fostering change one hundred and fifty million percent; but my body and spirit are so used to the old that I am like a seesaw just flip flopping around with two sides that are equal in weight. Both sides are getting a turn with no apparent end in sight as to wether the old habits or the new get to sit in top spot. My soul is screaming (I imagine it to be more of an intense yet breathy whisper) to be heard.

Im saying all the right things, doing all the right things (well to a point – it’s all relative) but I guess on a feeling level it hasn’t all translated down. Not surprising. I’ve put a lot of my life times and beyond energy into my old patterns. But fuck it’s weird – weird interesting not bad – to almost watch myself do what I do. It’s like I’m hyper aware of my actions but I’m not quite in control enough yet to channel them in the most appropriate way on some occasions.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I need to do everything the “right” way, coz what is that anyway? It’s different for everyone. But sometimes, when one goes out 4 nights in 1 week, emails exes, sits in a strangers car for 2 hours having a D&M, has a memory loss of another evening and then texts another ex, you may have to look at what is going on in ones head.

Ok, ok. Before you judge, tell me you are a saint. Tell me you have never made errors of judgement in your time. And you don’t know the whole story. But I’m trying to be real here. So I will now say what I’m going to say without fear of judgement. I’m saying this in the hopes that someone who reads this gets something from it and acts mindfully without being too toxic to themselves and others.

I still love my ex. There I said it. Well, you might think, derrrrrr… That’s normal. But I have lied to myself about it for ages. It happens. In the lead up, shits going down. He said, she said. He did this. She did this. Out of protection for ourselves we gather those around us. Loved ones choose sides and back you on your every move. You break up. People come out the wood works. They never liked your partner anyway. They knew they weren’t good for you. They did wrong by you. They let you down. You deserve better. You’re better off without them. How could they do that to you!? You all know what I’m talking about. We’ve all done it, and we’ve probably all been on the receiving end of it. It is 100% coming from a good place. Our loved ones don’t want to see us hurting and they want to protect us. Let us know they’re on our side. In the right. Anything they feel will help us to feel better. And if they were close to the partner, maybe help them grieve the loss too. And that’s lovely. Except that only the people we love can hurt us the most. Otherwise you don’t give a shit do you?

So it comes to that point where you know you have said too much. You’ve past the point of no return and your supporters would most definitely not be happy to hear that you are still feel sad about your loss. Because remember, ‘you’re better off without them.’ And essentially they are right. It if isn’t happening, it wasn’t meant to happen.

We all KNOW this, but what happens when you don’t FEEL this?

I guess that has been my predicament. Coupled with my feeling that I was never really given closure. Broken up with via a text message doesn’t really allow for that. So still 9 months on and another ‘boyfriend’ later, I still don’t feel like I can let it go. Not fully.

So what I did, was get in contact. I felt I needed to do it for me to get some answers. I mean, of course the option was there to ignore me, but he didn’t, he responded. A small exchange was had, which led to my previous post. I was still trying to justify to myself, that it was never real and clearly the notion of everlasting love is bullshit, when it seems to always end. It’s a hard one for me. I am a lover. I think the best of and see the best in everyone, but I have this intense fear I will never be loved always for simply being myself. So we create beliefs around our fears, to keep us safe from other alternate possibilities. Other perspectives. Other opinions. And other peoples experience of the same or similar situation. The stronger we hold on to an opinion, the bigger the fear behind it I am starting to suspect.

So what has blown me away, is how this context led to progression of events that are needling me to look at this for real.

1) Contact the ex

2) He responds

3) Spend a couple of days pretending I’m fine about it all and contemplating the offer to come face to face. Isn’t that what I was hoping for all along?

4) Old habits die hard. Don’t know how to deal, so go for a night out on the town. End up in a strangers car contemplating life’s big issues for two hours and still somehow manage to shoot off an email saying I don’t want to meet up with said ex as I’m confused how I feel. Also text current ex to say please explain. He too seemingly dropped off the face of the earth.

5) Wake to an angry response from old ex and a really real and honest response from current ex. It was just bad timing. Agreed. I mean listen to me (actually laugh snorted as I wrote that).

6) Proceed to spend the rest of the weekend without the kids trying to numb myself with food, drinks, trash tv and gossip so I don’t have to think about it.

7) Respond to the current exes text to say thank you but know on one level I’m trying to engage him again. Fear of being alone, or not being enough creeping in.

8) Go out again. Decide to leave at a reasonable hour though and come home to my quiet house alone.

9) Cried. Cried my little heart out. It’s actually huge. I think that’s why it was able to hold so many tears.

You see, it’s not that I want him back. I miss him yes. And we have a funny way of forgetting the real reasons that it didn’t work out. I know we are both exactly where we are meant to be. But through the process, the breakup, the heartache, the saving face, the defending my actions, the blame, the hurt, I forgot the love.

I loved that man. I still love that man. It doesn’t just disappear.  All the things I saw in him. Why I went through what I did to be with him. All the reasons I honestly thought he would be the man I would spend the rest of my days in this body with. They don’t just go away. Particularly when you’re not really dealing with the emotions in a proactive way. I need to let myself feel it. Acknowledge those feelings were real regardless of circumstances and outcomes. Because love, true love doesn’t see those boundaries. It doesn’t disappear because someone hurts you. It’s our mind that jumps in and puts up the walls of protection to attempt to stop the pain.

But walls only keep the hurt in and the love out.

So I am ready to be honest now. To feel it, look at it and eventually move on. He deserves that, my beautiful future husband to be deserves that and a million times over, I deserve it.

I have so much good to give when the time is right, and I’m really really ready to heal now. It’s definitely time.

Love and light to you all,

Much love, Michelle xxx

 

 

 

For The Love Of Your Soul

Love. Wonderful, heart-warming, all consuming, body aching, soul-redeeming love. You just have to love, love. For love it its true form, shows no boundaries. It is unconditional. Divine. Pure. It is not just a construct we have placed around a word. It has real feeling. Emotion. Life. Without love, a human can simply not survive. What an undeniably powerful and amazing thing.

We as humans, show and receive this love in many many different forms. Often  with many different rules regarding how, who, what and why we will or won’t love something. On many occasions we are not tuned in to why someone we care about is behaving a certain way and we think they are being a giant asshole. But often, if that someone is someone close, in their mind their actions are out of love. It just may be coming from a place of fear. Fear for you, fear for your safety, fear of losing your connection, fear of rejection or many other things we as humans are fearful of. The fear comes from the thought that if something happens to lose this love, it threatens your survival. The irony, it’s the fearful actions that usually lead to relationship breakdowns.

So it isn’t really surprising, that when it comes to a situation in life such as romantic relationships in which we may have to work hard at on a daily basis, we will want to create an epitome. We love to have something to work towards. To prove we have won, succeeded, are better than others or just smashing every area of life. Or alternatively, something or someone to blame if things don’t work out how we imagined when everything was exciting and new in the beginning. So what is the epitome of a romantic partner?

It is your SOULMATE…

This word came up tonight and I got to thinking. Where did the idea even come from? Is it real? Is it helpful to put that pressure and expectations a relationship and is it possible to have more than one?

Now I don’t know the answer but wow what a fascinating thing to research! Essentially, it doesn’t matter what the “answer” is, as your truth is the only thing that counts; but seriously I just wanted to share what I found out about a concept we love to dream about and idealise, or if you’re a believer, live by. Obviously there are many schools of thought and every religion seems to have their take.

  • In Judaism a soulmate is called a “Bashert” a Yiddish word meaning ‘destiny’. They believe marriages are made in heaven and are chosen before we are even born.

 

  • Plato described early humans to have two faces, four arms and four legs. As per punishment for not existing as the Gods had envisaged, humans were cut in half and sewn back together at the navel. In this process the male half left with one half of the soul and the female with the other. They then spent the rest of their time on earth in search of their other half, so they could again feel complete. To lay side by side and become whole again, was deemed the epitome of happiness.

 

  • Some mediums believe in soul contracts. These are contracts that are made before we come into our human form stating we will carry out specific relationships with other specific souls during their time on earth, with the preceded intention of both souls interacting to give each other lessons and elements of the journey they need in the current incarnation.

 

  • Buddhism however, believes that although it is possible for one to believe in this notion so strongly, that the fear surrounding the idea of not pursuing the other half of their soul or the energy they will always feel incomplete without,  is too much to bare. It is only by seeking this epitome with the goal of one day finding it, that the form (body/person), will feel secure in this process, until they are ready to evolve or move on from that perceived attachment. Does the religion itself believe in the construct? In short, no.

And the list goes on and on. I was reading for hours. Love me some philosophy! How fascinating. Seriously though it is now ridiculous o’clock and I am completely immersed in this stuff. I am trying to figure out what I feel about it all.

Being a single girl, can sometimes bring up a little bit of fear. Will I die alone with my cats and no one finds me until the cat has eaten half my face off kind of stuff. (Yes SATC if you got it). Just those standard fears. But as I am delving into the work I am doing to unpack all my shit and let go of it for good, I am realising that none of these fears are serving any purpose in me trying to have the life I dream of. Where all is good and I give and receive love without conditions. That is the existence I hope to move toward.

It is easy to say to our loved ones, I love you no matter what. But what if your partner had an affair, what if they killed a child and left the scene, what if your child robbed someone of their life savings or even something as simple as followed their heart to someone you didn’t feel was right for them? Would you still offer them unconditional, unwavering love?

To me that is what a true soul mate would do. Would look past the event, past how it looks to the outside – including yourself – past any judgements, past any personalising of the event. To look solely to you and how that event needed to happen in both of your lives in order to learn the lessons you both needed to learn. Even if the lesson is repeated a thousand times over. In order for your soul to grow, be nourished and thrive. In order to be the best you that you can be.

Lets be honest, that is a pretty tall ask for most of us. And the only reason I say that is because most of us don’t even know how to give that kind of unconditional love to ourselves. To not beat ourselves up over our lessons. To be able to step back and look at it all from a place of learning and growth. For it is only when we truly love ourselves we have the capacity to truly love others without prejudice and condition. To see the big picture.

Therefore I think this soul journey, is solely for one. And when you are on the path to seeking your own complete soul, everything and everyone else that comes to you is a bonus!

Deep? Yeah maybe, but my soul mate will definitely get it! Oh wait, I do!

Now go tell yourself, you love you no matter what!

You are eternally safe and loved, Michelle xxx

It Won’t Rain On My Parade

This morning I was on my walk, looking all around as I do and taking it all in. It was a cracker winters day. As I glanced up to the sky to appreciate the suns rays on my pale face I was deep in thought about how it feels weird when absolutely nothing is wrong in my life. Not weird bad or good just a feeling I’m not used to having. Because until now I haven’t allowed it.

Momentum in life is a powerful tool. It’s so exciting and inspiring when all the little seeds you’ve planted in the Autumn have burrowed in. The root systems are in place and they’re starting to weave their magic building the strong foundations throughout the ground I will be growing from. Spring is just around the corner and I am on track to flower bigger and brighter than any other spring I’ve lived.

I have had a few people reach out to me of late. This alone gives me a deep sense that I am going on the right path in life. To have people respect and trust in your opinion, advice or guidance, I believe, is really the highest honour in this world. The resounding thing I am hearing is a common thread of feeling overwhelmed or lost in direction. Seemingly polar opposites yet I believe come from the same foundation. An uncertainty in how to navigate the busy and unfulfilled lives many of us are living. Doing too many things that don’t make us happy and not enough that truly do nourish the soul. Now I in no way think I have all the answers. But what I do know is the shift that has happened in my world. That and I care. I genuinely want to share what I learn to help others break free and feel happy, fulfilled and in love with themselves.

So today I thought I would share some of the people I find inspiring and those that have helped me get to where I am and where I am going. Do with it what you will.

Louise Hay – a well known spiritual guide and founder of Hay House, I came across her through another amazing woman I will mention shortly. I was put on to her book You Can Heal Your Life. Life changing to say the least. If you’re not a reader get it as an audio book and listen. The bits you are ready to hear will get through. I also highly recommend following her on Facebook. It’s quite astounding to me how her positive affirmations and mindfulness activities can often change my day around for the better. Here’s a link to her e-book if you’re interested.

https://www.amazon.com.au/gp/aw/d/B000SEHQ96?fp=1&pc_redir=T1

Linda B: an amazing psychotherapist, reiki master and spiritual guide, I have been blessed to work with one on one. If you’re in Australia or want to come here for mindfulness experiences, definitely get in touch. Check out her page below for all her mindfulness and nourishment retreats.

http://www.lindabe.com/retreats.html

Eryka Stanton: Soul Coach and Psychic and Energy worker and the founder of my Consciousness Coaching Course. Eryka is based in Melbourne but does Skype work world wide and looks to help individuals to let go of who they think they need to be a realign with their true self. Their soul. You can check out her work, her soul-blog and many interesting affiliates and articles through her website link below.

http://www.empoweredliving.com.au

Quantum Physics: If you prefer a more scientific based approach to the spiritual take. There is so much research on the field of Quantum Physics. This page below updates their articles regularly with new interesting research done by more modern scientific methodology and approaches.

http://www.mediation-research.org.uk/tag/quantum-physics/

Sjana Earp: I find this girl completely inspiring. Go check her out. Instagram, FB and YouTube all have endless hits when you type in this name if you don’t know it already. But look past what you think you see and read some of her blogs, her poetry and her story. An amazing, inspiring, intelligent and yes stunning woman who you can’t help but be amazed by.

http://www.sjana.com.au

The People: Just by putting my interest out there, I have been beyond blown away with the response and connections I am making. People from every corner of the globe contacting me with beautiful words and well wishes. There are so many amazing inspiring people out there. We are a world full of greatness if that is what you choose to look for. You could start here by going through my list of who I follow on Instagram. Beautiful caring people shining their individual light on the world.

There is no deep seeded reason in which I think you should listen to what I have to say. For I have no agenda. I do not think I know more or am better than anyone else. I think there are many brilliant and inspirational people with very similar mantras spreading their light though the world. If I can just positively affect even 1 person in their life’s journey I would be more than happy. I believe the reason there are so many people spreading a similar message is because in order to actually hear it, different people need different delivery. It could be the energy behind it, the standing in which they hold the person delivering the information, the exact way it is said, the humour that comes with it, the seriousness that comes with it, the religion behind it; whatever it is different people will just gravitate to different delivery. I can only be me and deliver my message in my way.

And just to clarify I believe the core message is to Love Yourself. Everything else will follow.

When this is realised, one will see what is good over bad and treat those around them with the same love and light in which they treat themselves. That is the epitome. Something to grow towards without ever blaming yourself for the lessons learnt along the way. You are doing and have done your best with what you know and have experienced. You create your reality. You are in control of your happiness. You are enough.

If there is even a hint of anything happening within you right now, I encourage you to sit with the feeling. What is it stiring up inside you? I in no way expect anything from this. You are reading, but why? Why do you want this for you? Try to identify the feeling. Are you warm, curious, happy, perplexed, interested, frustrated, angry, sad, blaming? Really be honest with yourself. Ok so you’re feeling it. Do you like to feel that way? If yes would you like to foster and grow that internal gratitude or if no would you like to change it? Now what?

This is where I find from experience things can get fearful, because now we need to act on it. Actually take some steps toward growing or change. If that is what you want. Only you know that. I think an amazing step would be to open some of the links I have shared above and check out some of the content. You may have seen it before. It may not interest you. It may not be delivered in the right way. But at least energetically you have taken steps to open your mind to the experience and the growth. Without any judgement or expectation. Just a hope that it spreads a bit of love and light.

So back to the featured image of today. As I glanced up to the sky on my walk, I saw this image that made me burst out laughing. There is always some stormy grumpy ass cloud trying to rain on your parade. It’s up to you if you let it. Or you can look at it and see the beauty that lies within the storm and just wait for it to pass while you dance in the rain. So that’s a little insight into how my mind works and what I saw from this image.

Beauty and wonder is all around. Give yourself the time to appreciate whatever it is that brings you joy.

Put yourself first. For you are important and worthy of everything your heart desires.

And don’t let asshole clouds rain on your parade.

Much love, Michelle xxx

No Regerts

I have this innate ability to get myself into situations that end up giving me the best stories. My life is a series of not so graceful yet hilarious occurances in which I often look back at wondering how I actually ended up there. It wouldn’t be uncommon to hear friends or family say ‘of course that happened to you’ or ‘only Housey would do that/say that/ get herself into that situation’. Trusting of everyone, never one to say no, slightly unsure of my limits and living with foot in mouth disease will do that. No regerts though – Pun intended, as this one relates to my ink.

With two tattoos already, this weekend I got serious about doing the research for my third. I get the multiple differing views on the topic, but essentially mine is the only one that matters and I personally love the two I have. They both, as per me, have great stories behind them. With all this growth and change going on in my life, it didn’t surprise me when those close questioned if I would now get them removed or covered up due to the memories they can trigger. But to that I say Hell No! I am who I am, because of my experiences so why would I want to change any of that!

However, this time around I will learn from my experiences and look a little further into what permanent thing I am about to get drawn on my body. The other huge thing to think about is placement. I was lucky enough to be schooled on this by a pro. The one thing that the pro told me that I don’t live by though, is sharing with others about the stories behind my ink. Apparently, it can be seen as rude or intrusive to ask about ones ink, I was informed. Therefore I don’t ask others. But as per my personality if others ask me, I share.

The Piscean Constellation on my right shoulder is quite self explanatory. It was R U OK day here in Australia, a day in which we are encouraged to check in on those we love to encourage anyone struggling with any issues to speak up. Great initiative. Anyway, the person on the radio said if you’re feeling a bit sad, stop the car right now and go do something for yourself. So I stopped the car and got a tattoo. Ha! As you do. Well, as I do;)! I have been asked about this ink but always as a what constellation is that kind of way. Except the young pro footballer who was making fun of me for getting the Southern Cross tattooed on my back, as I shepherded him and his teammates to get to the bar for a drink. Well let’s just say I couldn’t help the flow of sarcasm that came out of my mouth.

But it’s the first tatt I ever got that continues to bring me much giggles and laughter on a frequent basis. Ironically, a lot of thought was put into the symbols. BUT that research was put in when it was all a pipe dream. And I believe in a slightly inebriated state also. So it’s not surprising really, that the research didn’t pay off.

So if you didn’t or haven’t already, go back and take a look at the tattoo on this blog posts featured image. This is the tattoo in question. I love it. It’s brilliant, unique and no one else I believe would have it. Why would I think that, because they are symbols that represent my name meaning. Therefore they’re irrelevant to most. Not one language or graphic in particular either, just symbols I liked that corresponded to the three birth names I was given and the meanings behind those names.

Michelle and Louise were relatively easy. House not so much. I didn’t just want a picture of a house so I eventually picked a symbol that merged my star sign and my surname. I got this tattoo done by an amazing artist in Byron Bay. Feel free to contact me if you want her details.

So I go get the tatt and go on about my life without changing too much, except for maybe how much I roll up my sleeves 🙊😝

And then it began. It started at uni. I was in class and I put my hand up to ask the lecturer a question. Another student interrupted. ‘Michelle, is that a Harry Potter tattoo!’ The whole class erupted into laughter and chatter. I was laughing equally as hard but I managed to get out that I have neither read nor seen any of the Harry Potter books or movies. I think I lost about 10 friends immediately. Passionate bunch those HP fans! However, one kind girl informed me it was very close to the Deathly Hallows symbol and that it made me look like a hardcore fan.

Honestly, that was over a year ago now and I still haven’t read or watched any Harry Potter. Sorry people.

But I swear this does now happen to me at least a couple of times a week. Especially now I’m in hospitality. But this isn’t the best of it. No, me looking like the most possessed HP fan despite knowing nothing of it is not what is actually really funny about my Tatt.

The next chapter only unfolded more recently as I was sitting with my friend and her husband back home at Christmas. Over a glass of vino and a long overdue catch up, I was displaying my new ink for conversation. My friends husband is not only a very intelligent Senior University Lecturer in the School of Media, Culture and the Creative Arts, but writes unbelievably beautifully and basically just knows a lot of shit about a lot of shit. He is one of those people you want on your table at a quiz night. He agrees the symbol is close to the HP symbol for the Deathly Hallows but it is not this symbol of the three he seems interested by.

As I relay the thought process behind the final symbol, I can see the wave of uncontainable amusement wash over his face. I had said, ‘it is a combination of my water sign Pisces and that of a house – I couldn’t believe my luck when I found the symbol for a Waterhouse!’

‘Michelle, you know what that is right? Like historically, what a Waterhouse is?!’ Clearly I did not! Nope, not even a clue. So it turns out the third symbol on my awesomely unique tattoo is…

The symbol for a TOILET!!

Yep, Ofcourse that happened to Housey!

I crack me up!

Laugh at yourself. Everyone else will regardless!

Much love, Michelle xxx