Urgh! I’m in this really weird place right now. Not weird bad. Just like nowhere I’ve been before. It seems foreign. I’m fostering change one hundred and fifty million percent; but my body and spirit are so used to the old that I am like a seesaw just flip flopping around with two sides that are equal in weight. Both sides are getting a turn with no apparent end in sight as to wether the old habits or the new get to sit in top spot. My soul is screaming (I imagine it to be more of an intense yet breathy whisper) to be heard.
Im saying all the right things, doing all the right things (well to a point – it’s all relative) but I guess on a feeling level it hasn’t all translated down. Not surprising. I’ve put a lot of my life times and beyond energy into my old patterns. But fuck it’s weird – weird interesting not bad – to almost watch myself do what I do. It’s like I’m hyper aware of my actions but I’m not quite in control enough yet to channel them in the most appropriate way on some occasions.
Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I need to do everything the “right” way, coz what is that anyway? It’s different for everyone. But sometimes, when one goes out 4 nights in 1 week, emails exes, sits in a strangers car for 2 hours having a D&M, has a memory loss of another evening and then texts another ex, you may have to look at what is going on in ones head.
Ok, ok. Before you judge, tell me you are a saint. Tell me you have never made errors of judgement in your time. And you don’t know the whole story. But I’m trying to be real here. So I will now say what I’m going to say without fear of judgement. I’m saying this in the hopes that someone who reads this gets something from it and acts mindfully without being too toxic to themselves and others.
I still love my ex. There I said it. Well, you might think, derrrrrr… That’s normal. But I have lied to myself about it for ages. It happens. In the lead up, shits going down. He said, she said. He did this. She did this. Out of protection for ourselves we gather those around us. Loved ones choose sides and back you on your every move. You break up. People come out the wood works. They never liked your partner anyway. They knew they weren’t good for you. They did wrong by you. They let you down. You deserve better. You’re better off without them. How could they do that to you!? You all know what I’m talking about. We’ve all done it, and we’ve probably all been on the receiving end of it. It is 100% coming from a good place. Our loved ones don’t want to see us hurting and they want to protect us. Let us know they’re on our side. In the right. Anything they feel will help us to feel better. And if they were close to the partner, maybe help them grieve the loss too. And that’s lovely. Except that only the people we love can hurt us the most. Otherwise you don’t give a shit do you?
So it comes to that point where you know you have said too much. You’ve past the point of no return and your supporters would most definitely not be happy to hear that you are still feel sad about your loss. Because remember, ‘you’re better off without them.’ And essentially they are right. It if isn’t happening, it wasn’t meant to happen.
We all KNOW this, but what happens when you don’t FEEL this?
I guess that has been my predicament. Coupled with my feeling that I was never really given closure. Broken up with via a text message doesn’t really allow for that. So still 9 months on and another ‘boyfriend’ later, I still don’t feel like I can let it go. Not fully.
So what I did, was get in contact. I felt I needed to do it for me to get some answers. I mean, of course the option was there to ignore me, but he didn’t, he responded. A small exchange was had, which led to my previous post. I was still trying to justify to myself, that it was never real and clearly the notion of everlasting love is bullshit, when it seems to always end. It’s a hard one for me. I am a lover. I think the best of and see the best in everyone, but I have this intense fear I will never be loved always for simply being myself. So we create beliefs around our fears, to keep us safe from other alternate possibilities. Other perspectives. Other opinions. And other peoples experience of the same or similar situation. The stronger we hold on to an opinion, the bigger the fear behind it I am starting to suspect.
So what has blown me away, is how this context led to progression of events that are needling me to look at this for real.
1) Contact the ex
2) He responds
3) Spend a couple of days pretending I’m fine about it all and contemplating the offer to come face to face. Isn’t that what I was hoping for all along?
4) Old habits die hard. Don’t know how to deal, so go for a night out on the town. End up in a strangers car contemplating life’s big issues for two hours and still somehow manage to shoot off an email saying I don’t want to meet up with said ex as I’m confused how I feel. Also text current ex to say please explain. He too seemingly dropped off the face of the earth.
5) Wake to an angry response from old ex and a really real and honest response from current ex. It was just bad timing. Agreed. I mean listen to me (actually laugh snorted as I wrote that).
6) Proceed to spend the rest of the weekend without the kids trying to numb myself with food, drinks, trash tv and gossip so I don’t have to think about it.
7) Respond to the current exes text to say thank you but know on one level I’m trying to engage him again. Fear of being alone, or not being enough creeping in.
8) Go out again. Decide to leave at a reasonable hour though and come home to my quiet house alone.
9) Cried. Cried my little heart out. It’s actually huge. I think that’s why it was able to hold so many tears.
You see, it’s not that I want him back. I miss him yes. And we have a funny way of forgetting the real reasons that it didn’t work out. I know we are both exactly where we are meant to be. But through the process, the breakup, the heartache, the saving face, the defending my actions, the blame, the hurt, I forgot the love.
I loved that man. I still love that man. It doesn’t just disappear. All the things I saw in him. Why I went through what I did to be with him. All the reasons I honestly thought he would be the man I would spend the rest of my days in this body with. They don’t just go away. Particularly when you’re not really dealing with the emotions in a proactive way. I need to let myself feel it. Acknowledge those feelings were real regardless of circumstances and outcomes. Because love, true love doesn’t see those boundaries. It doesn’t disappear because someone hurts you. It’s our mind that jumps in and puts up the walls of protection to attempt to stop the pain.
But walls only keep the hurt in and the love out.
So I am ready to be honest now. To feel it, look at it and eventually move on. He deserves that, my beautiful future husband to be deserves that and a million times over, I deserve it.
I have so much good to give when the time is right, and I’m really really ready to heal now. It’s definitely time.
Love and light to you all,
Much love, Michelle xxx