And so it begins. The efforts of my new course starting to take shape. It’s all happening exactly as it’s supposed to. Unravelling, unfolding all the constructs I hold close to me. All that I do and have used to define myself for so long is starting to move past just being looked at and discussed. It’s moving toward proactive dissolution.
Exciting right!? Not exactly. It’s terrifying at this minute. For a couple of days now, I have felt under a weight I can not seem to shift. A heaviness in my whole body and the energy around me. A silent but strong grip over my whole consciousness that I can’t quite put my finger on. Nothing key or different has happened so why do I feel like this?, I asked myself. And it was not until I started to type that a feeling of knowing washed over me. Not all knowing mind you 😝…. But a glint of why this may be the case.
I am beyond blessed to have come into the path that I have. It would have been easy for me to have missed this opportunity and kept stumbling along through life, making unfulfilling choices and finish another incarnation (my belief) without gaining too much more understanding. But to me clearly it is my time. And when it’s your time to have a breakthrough it doesn’t matter what you are doing or where you are, as long as your mind, heart and soul are open and allowing, real change will find AND serve you.
So now I want to work back through my week that was…..
It was one of those weeks were you can’t quite put your finger on it, but everything seems like it’s a big deal. Some good things, some bad things but definitely nothing indifferent happening. Everything felt like it required a full blown emotional reaction. Each day was very conducive to ending with a big fishbowl of red wine regardless of whether it was to celebrate or commiserate. Blasts from the past took me by surprise and a few hiccups on the financial front got me thinking about my future. But in the present was the gift as always and that was my mother coming over from the west for a visit. Couldn’t have come at a more ideal time.
So I don’t know about you lot. But I am lucky with my mum. I can be hard on her at times for not being as overt and loud as me and therefore seemingly not “being heard” but what she does do like no one I have ever come across, is when she is with you she just knows exactly what I need. She knows exactly what my kids need to and I feel like I actually get to revert a child myself. If only for a few hours here and there. But here in lies the issue.
I am a pretty reactive little soul. I consistently get feedback in life where it would possibly have been beneficial for me to stop and think before I act or speak. The father of my kids calls me the queen of foot in mouth disease. So I stroll out of my course on Sunday on top of the world, completely ready to immerse myself in the idea of breaking free and loving everyone really truly unconditionally. So reactive me goes and invites the past back in by letting down my guard or as we call it in this day and age, I unblocked the blocked people on my social media accounts. Then I go and sit down and try to sort out my future by planning and budgeting. These are things I do not normally do. I am a bit of a fly by the seat of my own pants kind of gal and honestly, it just caused me extremely unhelpful anxiety.
Just normal life stuff really. But then my mum rocks in. All comforting, nurturing, concerned and loving. And all it took was for her to say, how are you and I caved. I am strong. I have been through a lot and I still always try to make those around me smile but this time I couldn’t hold it together. I just let it all out. I sobbed. Like a baby. I just completely broke down. I surprised even myself. I am emotional but I thought I had this all figured out way more than this. I hadn’t felt like anything was that wrong. Every aspect of my world is going well. So where are all these heavy emotions coming from?
Well the epiphany I feel I had as I started writing is, they didn’t come from anywhere. The emotions have always been there. Whatever outside circumstances that are part of the story now is no different to any of my past experiences. The situations are re-creating and re-creating throughout my life, increasing with intensity until I actually do something about it. They have just been brought to the surface for me to feel, look at and if I am diligent and purposeful I can finally let this shit go for real.
So this space I have been in. This seemingly heavy load. Isn’t dark and terrifying at all. It is a powerful space. A place where I can choose to take a path that will nourish me in my soul. It is all about perspective. Time to turn it around for real.
Then I remembered this quote one of the other beautiful humans in my course sited across the table….
Living in the past can lead to depression; living in the future can lead to anxiety; thats why we should always live in the present. For in the present is the gift of life.
Enjoy your gift of life
Much love, Michelle xxx