As I Or You See Me

Everyone values different things in life, in different ways, in different orders of priority. Different socioeconomic status, culture, generation, gender, sexual orientation and a whole array of other ways in which society is grouped may have some bearing on what these things are and in what order they take precedent. But I think there is one thing that a majority of people would agree on. They value how they are seen or perceived by others.

Wether knowingly or unknowingly, we all do multiple things on a daily basis to conform in some way to the people we want to accept us. It may be wearing a type of outfit – religious or “on trend” – ; it may be using particular language – slang or otherwise – ; it may be working overtime – for extra money or to get a promotion… The point is we all want to be accepted, liked and approved of by our peers. Yes, I believe even the people who say they don’t care, care. Often the most.

So when it comes to ones character is it down to how others see you or how you feel you are seen by others? Or is it purely how you see yourself? The definition above “the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual” does not make this any clearer does it? The example following states “running away was not in keeping with her character”; would lead me to believe it is how one is perceived by others, however how does every other Tom, Dick and Harry know exactly what mental and moral qualities the person in question presents without actually being them. I think it’s true. No one really completely knows another person, they only know what that person allows them to see. Each and every one of us has things about ourselves that we don’t share. That, I would bet on.

But what happens when everything you thought you knew about yourself is brought into question? What happens when someone who doesn’t really know you feels it is their given right to judge your character and actively engage in negatively portraying you to others due to a situation in which you have no control? This is happening to me right now. And even though as I say the person in question doesn’t know me, it still really hurts.

Now I actually can not go into detail at the risk it could make things worse in this instance, but for me it is the second time in 12 months my whole character has been brought in to question. I am trying not to give this latter experience to much air time in my head so as to not feed the negativity, but it has definitely hit some strong chords for me. The other instance I speak of was a lot closer to home and if I’m honest still takes me a lot of strength to not let it get the best of me at times.

You see, I had a close network of people around me who had “known” me a long time. Due to my relationship breakdown they decided that all fault laid with me and they would no longer have anything to do with me. It was crushing. Not only did I lose what I believed at the time to be the love of my life, I lost my family too. I now know it is for the best and I forgive them. I know they did not truly know me. I know they did not have the emotional tools to deal with the situation in any way other than how they did. I have forgiven, but the emotional scars are not forgotten.

The most confronting part of this for me though when I really got down to it in therapy, was not what these people did, said, thought or acted toward me; but the fact I allowed it to happen. I allowed people to treat me with blatant disrespect, misplaced anger, malice and intent and all the while I laid down and played the victim role that allowed it to happen. I wasn’t really angry at them. I was angry at myself.

To me, although working on my self worth and confidence has been a massive part of my growth journey, one element about myself I always held in high regard was how I genuinely like to care for and help other people. It is this same trait that has got me into some pretty hairy and at times unhealthy situations over the years. Putting my want to help or “save” others ahead of my own needs, safety and at one point my mental health. But I was so adamant that that was one of the only positive traits of my character that I could not see how it was negatively impacting me. Because despite it being an amazing quality I had it all back to front.

Now I honestly genuinely believe the saying; in order to help others, you must first help yourself. Because if you are not ok, you can’t give your best self to those around you. The people you love and care for. By taking this on board and behaving as such, my whole world has changed. I am now surrounded by people who love me for me, care for me, are there for me, let me be there for them and allow an open, honest and supportive bond to be had.

So my point. My opinion is, despite people feeling they have the right to comment and judge you based on their opinions of your character; all that matters is how you see yourself. Forget what they did. Forget what they said. Forget what you think they thought or think about you. Focus on why you either allow it to happen or continue to surround yourself with people who don’t make you feel safe loved and enough. Because you are enough. You are perfect at being you. No one else can do anything exactly as you do. You are amazing and you are unique. Be kind to yourself. The rest will follow.

Sometimes I still need to take my own advice here:) We’re all good at that aren’t we. But as they say (who the hell are these “they” people… They’re geniuses) awareness is the first step to change.

So I actually thank those people involved in the heartache within my lifetime. I thank them for showing me what I don’t want in my life and for making me look at why I attracted those experiences. Whatever they think of my character is now unimportant to me. They have the right to feel and think whatever they choose. It no longer affects me. Well on a daily basis. And in time as it has already lessened, it will eventually be negligible and obsolete.

But I choose to be grateful for all my experiences. I choose to only focus on how I see myself. I strive to be the best me I can be. For the people I love but mainly for me. And for the world. There’s a lot of good out there and I just want to add to that. In any way I can.

Live. Laugh. Love. Life

And yourself

Much love, Michelle xxx

 

 

 

Hello From The Other Side

We have all had those experiences that you can’t quite explain. Deja Vu, the feeling of “someone walking over your grave” or perhaps even what felt like a sign, message or a visit from someone who has passed over. I think regardless of how open you are to this topic, if you really thought about it, there would be at least one scenario in your life that you could not explain with “facts” and modern day science –  I put facts in inverted commas as I find this term to be extremely debatable. Everything comes down to  an individuals perception anyway, in my opinion.

I personally have experienced these types of phenomena on many occasions. Sometimes I just feel like I have met someone before, or I remember a certain place well even though I have never been there in this lifetime and many other unexplained scenarios. Whilst always intriguing and important to me, it’s the following experiences I have had that I hold very dear.

One of the first I remember well would be of my late Nan. She passed as I was pregnant with my eldest child and I was devastated that they were never going to meet. The last thing she said to me in her final days was that she hoped I would have a girl. I didn’t that time around and I know she would’ve been completely besotted regardless, but I just knew she meant that that was her avenue of coming back into my life in some way. Funnily enough, my cousins wife did in fact have a girl two months before my son was born and there have been multiple times I have thought to myself, my god she is Nan all over! What is that when we are so similar to someone from generations before? Yes, I understand the generic link, but small things like facial expressions, gestures, specific mannerisms that are not necessarily passed on by the gene pool or environmental stimulus. It just shows how connected we are doesn’t it. Subconsciously even. Blows my mind….

The second experience I remember well was a late dear friend, we lost in a car accident. Losing someone so popular and young was harrowing and after the funeral we all spent the night comforting each other and telling stories about our lost friend. It got late and despite most people staying up to reminisce and jam with the band as he did so well, I was exhausted and took myself off to bed. I had conceded this one day to wearing a Collingwood scarf as they were his team which he was extremely passionate about. I wrapped myself up in the scarf and cried myself to sleep. Now I can only say this how I experienced it. Somewhere in the night I felt awake. I felt his presence and I felt him grab me up in one of his massive big bear hugs he was famous for, to make sure I was alright and to let me know he was too. I was so grateful for that moment and I will honestly never believe it was any other way than how I remember it.

The latest experience though, blew my mind epically. In a great way, but I know I will never be the same again. My whole world and mindset has opened up to a multitude of realities and I’m excited for my journey in this new arena. It happened on my retreat weekend recently in New South Wales. I could feel I was coming toward the end of my Reiki session and I was slightly agitated by that fact as I hadn’t felt like I had settled down properly at all. I felt the gentle pressure of the therapists hands squeezing me to alert me to the sessions end but instead of moving away as usual to let me rouse, I could feel her standing next to me.

As I slowly opened my eyes she checked in to see how I had found the session as I had been snoring. I laughed out loud and explained how I had felt like I had never actually settled down. What she told me next I did not see coming. She told me that she would not normally pass this information on but the person present was determined to let me know they were there. It was my grandfather.

I immediately felt tears welling up in my eyes. She spoke of how he wanted me to know he had seen the hurt and trials my life had endured of late and he wanted me to know he was there for support and guidance. It was overwhelming. It was amazing. I didn’t know how to react. Obviously there was more to what was said but the underlying and remarkably overwhelming thing for me was just knowing he was there. To know someone is there watching over me. Watching out for me. What a gift. What a blessing.

His strong, firm and practical energy but a big hit of cuddly protective love was being offered to me whenever I need it. And I can tell you throughout my life but particularly in the last two years there have been so many times I have needed that. So Gramps, I am forever grateful. I do speak to him now and ask him for his guidance on many topics. And I have definitely felt like my resilience and strength have become even stronger of late.

What is this down to, I can’t be sure. Is it simply that I now feel capable with this perceived back up and support? Is it possible the whole thing isn’t real? I guess that is possible. But anything is possible right? So if it’s possible that it isn’t real then it can definitely be possible that it is.

And I choose to believe the latter. I have long believed our souls live on and our continuum revolves around the lessons our souls need to learn for enlightenment and to bring our own little unique skills to the world. The body is just the vessel we use while we are here. Many of us treat our bodies with respect but forget about our souls. Don’t forget to be unique, be yourself and never apologise for who you are and what you are. You are enough.

Me, I’m beyond blown away. I pride myself on being open to all experiences and look what is coming my way. So many positive and exciting adventures to be had. And getting to share them with the beautiful energy that is my Gramps, just makes it all the more special….

I am truly blessed ☺️

Much love, Michelle xxx

 

About Face

And just like that, I changed direction. I didn’t even see it coming. I would previously have never thought it was possible. I would never have before thought I was capable. But now I know. Hopes and dreams really do come true. As long as you believe.

This week I had a huge win in my life. One I know is putting me in good stead for my future. I was accepted into a course that will not only show me how to become a fully fledged LifeCoach but I will be mentored on how to turn this skill into my very own business focusing on exactly who I want to help and how I want to help them. I am beyond excited. I am over the moon and mostly I am so proud of myself for putting myself out there to be considered.

That has always been the hardest part for me. So what was it that made me decide to take the plunge and just go for it? Well it was a series of events actually. But I put myself in a position to take advantage of these timely signals by having my eyes, ears, heart and faith open to opportunity.

Firstly, I would say it is a new man in my life. I didn’t see him coming either and I definitely didn’t think I would jump in again to the craziness that is romance this quickly. But, here we are. So what is it about him that makes me want to keep him around? Well many things actually *insert girly giggles – but one thing I love and I’m not sure I’ve experienced like this  before, is someone who believes in me. He takes genuine interest in my interests, goals, hopes and dreams without ever making me feel silly or incapable of achieving anything I set my mind to. He makes me want to be the best version of me, even though he already sees me as the best.

Secondly, was my distinct and continual internal struggle about the direction I was already on. I know for me hospitality is transitional. I enjoy it and right now it works for myself, my children and my life. That I am happy with. The degree I am doing, not so much. It felt like a case of doing it to just do it, as opposed to having passion and wanting to. Now I don’t know about you, but I do not seem to be able to do that. I am not the person who will just finish a degree to pursue a career I don’t enjoy, to live to work and then die. That is not my idea of why we are put on this earth. I believe I have a purpose, a reason, a gift to give this world and my journey is helping me discover what that is. So due to my dissatisfaction on my direction, my mind is always wandering and my eyes are always on the look out for other options.

Thirdly, and this is something I want to go into again in my next post, I have had what I can only describe as a multitude of recent “help” from the spiritual realm. Now stay with me. I know how people can automatically assume those talking this sort of thing can be either mentally unstable or high on some mind altering substance, I can assure you I was in fact of sane mindset and sober when all of these spiritual events occurred. As I mentioned, I will go over the events in depth in the next post, but the general gist is a visit from my late grandfather whilst at the Charkra Retreat and a Soul and Guidance Reading that has been on point with opportunities that would come up in my life for me to take advantage of.

I do apologise if this seems a little disjointed today, and the above is a little confusing. My intention is to introduce it today purely to show my openness to the topic of the spiritual and psychic realm and how I have found that by allowing these influences into my life, has positively benefited me. Again, more next post if you’re interested, but my whole blog is not solely focused on this from here on out. Just thought I should clarify. I don’t want to alienate people who find this topic uncomfortable.

Anyway, here I am. Open. Available. Curious. Brave. Interested. Searching. Willing. And there, on my Facebook Newsfeed comes up the opportunity of this amazing LifeCoaching course. I read it. It sounds amazing. I think to myself, whoever ends up getting into that is going to be on cloud nine. Then I thought, hang on a minute. Why can’t it be me? Why can’t I be the person who’s picked for this life changing experience? Why do I automatically assume to myself it’s not possible for me? So with a shaking hand, a ridiculously large lump in my throat and my heart thumping a million miles an hour, I click the “submit your interest” button. Then I sit there telling myself over and over again that the worst that could happen is that I am told no.

Then the wait. It’s torturous. You begin to question; Did I click the button properly? Where my details correct? Did they just think my application was a joke? Are the positions already filled? What was I thinking? Why am I eating so much chocolate? Then finally 2 days later, I received a call. A phone interview. Fate stepped in here. I honestly believe that.

You see normally in these situations, I would freak. But on this particular day, I had my children at Taekwondo, nipping at my feet for snacks, uniforms, water bottles, colouring in items while they waited for class to start and any other possible thing they could think of to ask me. The benefit of this for me was my mind wasn’t able to focus on any form of fear I was feeling as I had to use all of my cognitive functioning just to listen and answer the questions I was being given. And my answers seemed to just flow out. I was asked in for a face to face interview. Score!

Again, fate steps in. A cancellation comes up on the only day and time I had available in my week to go in for a face to face. With only 8 positions available and the interview process coming to a close, it was definitely my lucky day. So we meet and instantly we clicked! It was honestly like walking into something I had done all my life. I felt comfortable. I felt confident. I felt capable. I felt like I could breathe because finally the steps I am taking are sending me down the right path. And the feeling is amazing.

I am ecstatic. I can not wait to begin this course in July and get the ball rolling. I love that this is finally going to enable me to do what I’ve always loved to do but on a greater scale. Love, nourish, encourage and nurture people to see their true potential. If you could only see me now. Squealing with excitement and anticipation.

Everything is well in my world. I hope you’re all having a win too.

Dream. Believe. Achieve

Much love, Michelle xxx

 

I See You Baby…

‘You were dancing sexy in front of my man!’ ‘You want him.’ ‘You s**t!.’

This is what 5 young “ladies” were screaming into my face in a dingy nightclub toilet. I was actually terrified. It was quite obvious to me as they closed in around me, that I wasn’t talking my way out of this situation that I had inadvertently got myself into. I was not even aware of who this girls boyfriend was, but apparently the girls didn’t; or possibly he did; enjoy my dance moves.

As if it were the sun, a beacon of light gleamed through the door as it opened and alerted me to the fact that I had a possibility to escape these drunk and angry haters I had acquired. They seemed distracted by the new arrivals and I quickly ducked past them and then ran as fast as I could to the safety of the outside.

Wtf. I was in shock. I had never in all my years nightclubbing, experienced anywhere near that sort of hostility toward me. I am 100% not a fighter – unless you upset my kids – and I am almost certain that they were about to deal with my apparently disrespectful dance moves by physical means. In short, I was about to get my ass handed to me.

Now if I’m honest, this was clearly no classy establishment. It was in no way somewhere I would encourage anyone over 19 to attend and this was possibly a Wednesday night. I was not in a good place at the time and every night I didn’t have my kids was an opportunity to party away my sorrows. Well at the time I thought that would help. As we all know,  when you’re doing it to cover emotions it only ever leads to destruction. But regardless, I was most definitely not intentionally shaking my ass in any specific direction. Not my style. I love a good dance but it’s always for me, not anyone else.

Fast forward a week, and I’m in the playground after school kicking the footy with my son. I love a good game of kick to kick and I’m not half bad. He had come home very excited a few months before to tell me he had finally snagged a spot on the lunch time footy team. Left Right Out. It broke my heart. So every chance I got, I would play kick to kick with him after school. Partly for practice, partly because then the other kids wanted to join in and slowly I backed away. Anyway I digress. A beautiful mum, I love a lot as she doesn’t change who she is for anyone, came up to me and said ‘What a sexy mumma! Kicking the footy around like that. You go girl!’

She meant it. But I got embarrassed. I tried to explain myself. She wouldn’t have it – bless her – she said that while you have it you should show it off! She then left and I told my son we were wrapping it up. I was in short denim shorts and I wondered if the general consensus of the other parents was that I was a bit inappropriate. I left contemplating was I being too ‘sexy’, was I overtly inappropriate and should I change how I behave, dress and act now that I have 2 children? Is it ok for mums to be ‘sexy’?

I mean what is sexy anyway? It’s different for everyone yes? I mean I have a weird thing for guys who wear thongs with jeans. I don’t know what it is, but when they pull that look off I can’t get enough. Or the other thing I love, which is probably more main stream, a man who can play guitar and sing. Gets me every time. But yes, I think we all have our own things that grab our attention and make us think someone is ‘sexy.’ The other funny thing to me was sexy was never something I saw myself as.

In the nightclub situation I was the eldest in there by 6 years and that was to the person I was with. And she probably had around 3 years on everyone else. I was also just dressed in a sundress and sandals. Nothing like the two piece, sheer, backless, skin tight outfits all the younger girls were wearing. I also did not, and do not, wear much makeup and have one standard look with my hair. Not that this bothers me but I guess I have assumed glamour equals sexy.

Likewise, in the school setting. My entire focus was on having fun with my son and enjoying the learning process and time I got with him in kick to kick. My thoughts were completely on him and how he was doing. So if it’s the furtherest thing from my mind, what is sexy?

It must be those moments when I’m lost in them. When I am carefree. Comfortable. Casual. Myself. When I’m confident in what I’m doing and why I’m there. Wether it’s to teach or have fun or whatever. My focus is just on the moment. The awkwardness sets in when I think about it too much.

I think it’s ok to be sexy. In fact I think it’s great. I think it’s something as women we are encouraged not to do as it can detract from our knowledge, wisdom, intuition and other amazing attributes. But I think out innate ability to be feminine and sexy should be encouraged. It’s part of what makes us women. If I see another woman doing something that I think is her displaying her true self, her confidence, her taste, style and preferences, I applaud it. Compliment her. Honour her as a fellow woman. Don’t be a Debbie Downer. I think we forget that when we say bad things about others, it really only makes us look bad. And feel bad too.

Don’t be jealous or negative by default. Make your default to find inspiration or joy in other woman’s ability to share themselves with the world. However they choose to do that. It’s their choice. Their life. I chose not to change how I am acting, dressing and behaving just to fit in or please others. I’m going through the learning process like every other women and I will do it in my own time, if and when it suits me. Plus, I have great legs so if I can pull off denim shorts I’m going to wear them 😉

Embrace what makes you you. Be kind. Be happy. Spread your love and light wherever you go. Now that shit is sexy!!

Much love, Michelle xxx

 

 

What Is Real?

Tonight it happened. Something I knew would happen at some point in time but I thought I would have time left yet. I thought I would be more prepared. I thought I would seamlessly brush over the topic with grace and ease or divulge a comforting life lesson. But I didn’t. I was lost for words. I was even more awkward than I knew I was capable of. For one of the few times in my life I wished that it wasn’t my turn to speak. So what got me, the million miles an hour, never had a thought she doesn’t blurt out, person who talks to herself if there’s no one around to listen girl, to pretend I wasn’t in the room.

After my last post, I can guess what you’re thinking. But no, totally seperate topic. So this is how it played out.

Kids bedtime: Children in the adjoining bedrooms both trying to vy for my attention to prolong the inevitable lights out situation. After a brief disagreement about whether or not we are all monkeys – I’m assuming Darwins theory came up at school but little miss is adamant she is in fact a chicken – little man requested 2 minutes of my time as he had something to talk to me about.

This always gets me with my son. Although at that stage of the day I want nothing more than to say the final goodnight, I love you, if you come out again I may kill you; my little man has over the years chosen bedtime as his time he feels comfortable to divulge certain things that are playing on his mind. Never wanting him to not feel like he can talk to me, I begrudgingly went into the room.

So, I already am kind of half laying on his bed, half trying to inch out the door, when he drops his bombshell.

‘Mum. Is the tooth fairy real?’ …….. Long awkward silence…….

‘Mum. Some kids at school are saying that the tooth fairy isn’t real and neither is Santa.” Now I’m freakin! Not Santa! Nooooo!!!!

I distinctly remember that Christmas was nowhere near as exciting once I figured it all out and the gig was up. To prolong it for my children I learnt from my mums mistakes and chose not to do the stocking on the end of the bed so as to not get caught red handed. And what about the cookies and milk and carrots for the reindeer?

He continued. I am still awkwardly silent pining for my long lost innocence.

‘I mean, pfft. It’s like some magical fairy or something. Yeah right. Do you know if it’s real Mum?’

Now there are a couple of conundrums here.

1) Am I about to outright lie to my kid? I get so mad at them when I catch them out lying, how can I look him square in the eyes and do the same?

2) Do I tell him the truth? Then he’s really growing up and he’s loosing his little kid glasses that allow him to veiw the world from such an innocent and carefree place. Why would you not want to prolong that?

3) What does his father want to do about this? I can’t just go and make a spur of the moment decision here without consulting him. Co-parenting can be tricky like that. I guess that would be true for many relationships though.

I am sure there are some really great ideas out there on how to deal with this situation. And please let me know if you wish. My ears and eyes are always open to different perspectives! And perhaps it’s not such a big deal. But I know as an adult, with all the real world stuff we deal with on a daily basis, I would love to have those rose coloured glasses on again some days. Kids grow up so fast it seems. I just want to delay that a little I guess. But I know it’s his journey, not mine.

So what did I say? Well, after honestly the most awkward pause since the classic Tony Abbott interview and a few false starts, I actually gave a very political response.

‘I think it’s nice to believe in things. It keeps the magic alive. Now get some sleep. We’ve got the dentist first thing in the morning.’

How ironic. Wonder if he’ll hit him up for the answer being a tooth expert and all? Maybe I’ll hear a more satisfying response from him. Right now though I’m going to sleep crossing my fingers and toes that this doesn’t come up again over the breakfast table. I’m pretty sure with how much I’m psyching myself out for the chat, my responses will go nowhere helpful.

Let me put it this way. I think if this comes out I’m going to live in my daughters room for a week in her princess tent, tending to my unicorns, sprinkling rainbow sparkles all around having high tea. Now that’s my kind of reality.

Oh and red wine. It must consist of red wine.

Ok, so growing up isn’t all bad… Help please!

Much love, Michelle xxx