Feeling rather melancholy today. Couldn’t decide between the posts I had prepared so thought I’d write a new one pertaining to my current mood. Please watch this short video from the link below as it will set the mood.
Now I can’t stop laughing because this is actually hilarious. Now just to clarify, no part of me wants to die. I love life. I love love too. I just also sometimes love having a good sook when I feel things are not going quite as I had planned. And by that I mean, I got drunk and left a voicemail on a phone, saying something my sober self wouldn’t have shared as she would understand it wouldn’t be beneficial in the long run.
I’m not going to give details but it involves someone I like very much and way too much of my arch nemesis, tequila.
So, I’m sure you can get the drift…
I am, and always have been a heart on my sleeve kind of gal. Never one to not say what I feel – when it comes to the lovey dovey stuff that is. I am like a little care bear just sprinkling that love glow dust on everyone I care about, more often than not, more than many can handle. The pros, everyone knows how much I care; the cons, I can be a little over the top for some. You know, for the people who don’t enjoy cuddles, touching and all that jazz. I am not knocking that, each to their own, it’s just I’m a very affectionate and touchy feely person. So sometimes I have to be reminded to settle down. As well as hugs, I can also be perhaps a little reckless with my heart.
This is true for both platonic and romantic relationships. It never takes me long to throw the big “L” word out there. I love that about me, but I do know in many circumstances it can freak the other person out. More often than not, they get used to me but sometimes you find that that word crosses a boundary that the recipient wasn’t willing to cross. And by cross, I mean I leap over and set their big old walls on fire, while they frantically run around trying to put it out and build the wall higher. So I bet you can guess what the voicemail consisted of. To be fair, the recipient was very gracious in accepting the outpouring of love and polite in their response. But as you can imagine, it is awkward as anything.
Now funnily enough, I am proud of myself. After my last relationship broke down, I was so certain that I was ruined, I would never believe anyone or trust anyone again. But with time, space and a lot of reflection, I realised that the previous relationship never had any of those qualities in it anyway. So I was adamant not to carry that experience through and project that stuff onto the next unsuspecting guy. So being so forward and open with my feelings was partly liberating and it felt like I was taking the power away from the past hurt that I had endured. That was all initially anyway. But as time went on and the alcohol wore off, I was left with a feeling of dread. Why do I always leave myself out in the open? With no protection or armour to help me when I get left out there on my own again? Why do I not seem to learn from my past mistakes when it comes to love? Why do I never seem to find others who throw themselves out there like I do, not just in the moment but because they mean it too? Why are relationships so confusing and why do I keep doing this to myself?
Even reading this back I can see how confused I am. I don’t know how to change this about myself or even if I want to. Part of me thinks I’m brave. Putting yourself out there is hard and no one likes rejection. Plus, I feel like it’s being true to myself and my feelings. But the other part of me thinks it would be a lot wiser to play it like the other side does and keep it cool and casual. I really don’t know if that is something I am actually capable of though. I seem to be an all or nothing kind of person.
I know I will be fine. I know I will eventually work it all out and have a happy and fulfilling life in every way. I know that because that is what I want and that is what I deserve. But today I feel a bit down. A bit lost and a bit sad. Today I’m going to snuggle those cherubs of mine tight and grab takeaway and throw on a movie. Today I’m going to give myself a break and rest.
Tomorrow is a new day and because I love myself, the rest will sort itself out eventually. I hope your Monday treated you well:)
Much love, Michelle xxx