The Aftermath…

This blog was a leap of faith for me. I have taken the first step. Here it is for all to see. How easy was that. Like, why didn’t I do this forever ago? Nailed it! ….

The above is not really how I felt. I mean the blog is indeed a huge leap of faith and I have taken the first step, but it was NOT easy. Well not for me. Multiple things came into play here, especially my distinctly ice age knowledge of computers and how they work. So I thought in the spirit of honesty I would give you an insight into how it actually went down.

WordPress: If you want to make your website live click here

Me: Here goes nothing…. “CLICK!”

WordPress: Congratulations Michelle! Your website is live.

Me: (reverting to some resemblance of my 14 year old self)… I squealed. Giggled. Jumped up and down. Hesitation. Regret. Fear. Frantically looked for the “make it stop” button. Failed to find it. Embarrassment. Deep breaths. Gave myself a pep talk. “Be proud, this is the whole point!” Ran to bathroom. Looked at myself in the mirror. Stopped dead. Said out loud how proud I am of myself. Shed a little tear. Felt weird. Felt embarrassed again so repeated the squeal, giggle, jump sequence (because thats way better right;).

Suddenly, I was snapped back to reality by my four year old daughter insisting I must attend to her immediately as she was about to fade away from lack of nourishment. She had finished her dinner only a half hour before.

Now it is possible you’re thinking to yourself, not a huge deal here Michelle. Millions of people have started blogs and lets be real, at least in the beginning, I will probably personally know every person reading this. To this I say two things. Feelings are not rational and I am no seasoned blogger. So this little lamb was scared shitless.

To me, it was like that feeling you get when you say I love you first and the other party hesitates. You’re there knowing those words are floating out there in the ether and there is nothing you can do to take them back. You just have to sit there and wait for a response. Wait to see if the feelings are reciprocated.

However this time, luckily for me, unlike the times I have said I love you first with no positive feedback – how’s the audacity of Paul Kelly, that random guy from the ’99 Big Day Out mosh pit and salted caramel Lindt chocolate to leave me hanging –  I was overwhelmed with the love and support. This has really just stoked my fire. So I want to say sincerely, thank you.

To see people respond with comments such as they feel the same, that many people could relate and that this blog is something they could benefit from in their life, made me feel so excited, proud and full of love. We all want to feel connected, understood and wanted. It’s human nature. So if I can help make just one person see themselves in a more positive light or to feel they are not alone, I will be more than happy.

I recently read something that really resonated with me; particularly as a mother, but I am sure you can all relate. When we are born, we are our true selves and we are perfect at being exactly that. As life unfolds we receive all the input, advice, scolding, moulding and teaching done by those around us which is based on their individual life experiences. This is almost always done from a place of love and care, however through the process we can often loose sight of our true self. We end up with conflicting and confusing ideas as to who we are, what we want, what we need and what we stand for.

Now I am not saying I know how to undo this. I hear myself doing it to my children and myself every day. I believe it takes a lot of hard work, diligence and motivation . I have taken steps in my life to get on this journey of which I will share with you. For me the motivation is to not allow myself to go back into the sad lonely place I allowed myself to get to. These experiences I will also share as the posts unfold. As for now, I choose to be happy. I choose to try every day to look at things the way my kids do. The picture with this blog is of flowers my daughter picked at the park the other day. She told me “Mum. They are all different but they are all very beautiful.” Just like us. All so different but all equally beautiful. Let’s get back to seeing it from that perspective. Seeing it how it is. And how right she is.

Much love, Michelle

 

 

 

Discovering Fate

This, right here and now, is my maiden blog post. I am jumping head first into the world of blogging with little knowledge and experience but with copious enthusiasm and heart. How I do most things in life. For me this is another important life adventure that I feel my collective experiences of my 31 years on this earth has led me to. I guess you call that fate.

So what is this blog for? Essentially this blog is for me. A way for myself as a single mum of two insanely awesome children to document, discover and explore myself both inside and outside of parenthood and other relationships. I find writing allows me to express my thoughts and feelings before I  have the opportunity to filter myself. It’s an honest take on where I am at before the more rigid conscious kicks in and tells me what I think I should be feeling or saying.

But why blog? Now clearly, I am no psychologist. Saying that, I am an expert in myself. So I decided on this step as I feel part of my journey is learning to have a voice. To back myself in what I feel I need. And right now and beyond I chose to be open and unapologetically me. This is a life long struggle, that I am only now willing to embrace and change. Now, I am not giving out all the nitty gritty and personal details of myself, my kids and my friends – well at least without their permission anyway – but I want to be vulnerable. As I believe in vulnerability, there is great courage and freedom.

Most of my journey has been me fumbling around in life trying to figure out the answer to the age-old question….Why exactly am I here? I believe everyone has a place, a purpose, a reason for their existence. Some choose to explore this, some do not. Whichever way you go, I guess that is the right path for you. I however am, and always have been searching for something else. I have never felt settled, comfortable, or proud of where I am at in life at any particular time.

So hello world! Here I am. No apologies. No more hiding away to protect myself from living and life. I always thought the pain of putting myself out there and being rejected would be the worst. The truth is, not accepting myself has hurt me the most. So come on my journey. Share yours. Lets come together and begin to realise we are all awesome in our own ways. We all deserve to be seen and heard for exactly who we are. We are all safe and loved.

Come with me and lets start living our lives exactly as we choose to do. Lets live! No more excuses! The journey started at birth – or beyond depending on your beliefs – so lets embrace it, warts and all, starting right now!

Much love                                                                                                                                                             Michelle xxx