MASSIVE IMPERFECT ACTION
This statement has been highlighted and popping up everywhere in my world this year. From my mentor Eryka Stanton. Online female entrepreneur master Grace Lever. Memes. The Chinese Year of the Fire Rooster. It’s all about just doing it. Push through the uncertainty and fear and get it done. It’s a numerological and astrological “1” year and it’s all about new beginnings. Love this little clip below. It gets me excited and ready to get going.
But as with any action there is an equal and opposite reaction. A polarity. Duality. The shadow and the light. And I have never seen anyone just breeze through a life change without at least a flicker of holy shit can I really do this?
Since I wrote my last post two weeks ago so much has been happening. I completed the study component to my Consciousness Coaching course, I was attuned to channel the Palloweh energy healing modality, I got another step into another project I have started and am super excited about and I strengthened bonds with some key people in my world. LOTS of action. And lots of positive action. But I hands down 100% got writers block and despite all that was going on I could not think of anything to say. And I missed this reflective platform. But the thought of doing it was causing me to get a bit anxious.
Then when I went to discuss a space to do my therapies from and got greeted with a barrage of limiting beliefs I wasn’t expecting my confidence got a bit shook up. Things such as people don’t believe sharing of Reiki energy should be charged for; it taken our only other practitioner 12 years to build her client base, no walk ins want life coaching. Etc etc. Basically through obviously her experience (valid) and her beliefs (also valid to her but not gospel) she had unknowingly just demotivated me from coming to work from that centre. What I thought and felt from all other contact was going to be a mutually beneficial relationship just took a really big turn. If I don’t feel supported there it’s time for a change of plan.
But as I left and went to have dinner with a friend I was having a bit of a rant. This interaction had triggered a shadow aspect in me. I was defensive. I was ranting. I was deflecting the feeling and fear of am I capable, am I worthy, onto this scenario and allowing myself to take one persons opinion (albeit someone whom I respect) and make it mean that I won’t succeed in this world.
And putting that kind of energy out there can only equal instant blockages on attracting the beautiful souls I really want to be working with.
It’s a tough gig sometimes. It’s a bit scary. I don’t always know what the fuck I am doing. But I do know it feels right. I do know I help people. I do know it’s coming from a place of love and genuinely wanting to support others through hardships, growth and change. Like the special souls that have helped me. But life is reality and I also need to provide for myself and my children. So putting myself in an unsupportive environment will not help to facilitate that.
I just have to trust that the universe knows what’s right. I’ll find my space. I have a feeling it’ll be when I least expect it. But for now a little polarity on the last two weeks. A bit of reflection. Self care. Long baths. Self love. And a shit load of practicing my own tools and modalities on myself 😆
Just keep swimming crew. Others inability to see your worth in no way reflects upon you. But how you chose to react to that does.
This is my mantra for the week and beyond.
Love and light to all,
I feel like it’s been ages now since I’ve written something light and easy breezy. I feel like I want to do that. For a multitude of reasons. But I don’t feel light and easy. As I sit down to write this, and I’ve left it all week because it’s been hectic and now it’s Sunday night and I’m flat. Again. Like seriously …. Again! Pull yourself out of it Michelle! I’m the only one who can, I know that, but this one is heavy and it’s taking a toll.
I spoke a few weeks ago of my first spiritual guide. He used to speak of the Three Rungs of the Ladder to the space of enlightenment. Now this is completely my perception of what he meant but the first rung is around awareness and a genuine connection to the feeling of creating inner peace. I do feel I have taken this on board in my soul. And beyond to a degree. But I also vividly remember him saying that we always feel our shit the hardest and deepest right before a big change. A little push or shove in the direction to greater consciousness. But this one feels like a massive truck full of hippos sitting on my physical body and all of my energy space around me. It feels HEAVY!
Now I’m not sure how others experience this. Please share if you would like it always helps to feel like you’re not alone or going crazy. But I really feel the different weights or imprints of different energies. And I am also starting to become acutely aware of visions during meditation and particularly whilst giving Reiki to myself and others. I’m not afraid as such but I know I’m going through a massive shift in consciousness and so in a way it’s scary. No I’m bullshitting. I’m freaking out to be real.
Not really for what’s to come. That’s ok. But for what is not coming with me. It’s almost like I have come to a point of no return right now and life as I know it is over. Please understand I know it will be ok but the FEELING that it’s going to be ok hasn’t caught up. My monkey mind is trying to pull me back to what I know. It’s grasping at people places and situations that don’t serve me.
This week I acted out. I tried to lie to myself I was ok about seeing someone I hadn’t seen in a couple of months. You know they popped up again and I told myself this time would be different. Of course I’ll go to dinner with you. But a couple of champagnes in and I honestly felt my brain snap. What the f**k are you doing Michelle!?, it screamed. You know how this ends. This is not a safe place to rest your weary soul. And honestly I was an almost instant mess. I actually had a movie moment and got up and walked out of the restaurant.
Now completely NOT his fault. He is honest that he’s not emotionally available. I am the one who is willing to butt my head against the same old brick wall over and over and over because I pull what I want to hear out of the conversation rather than what is being said. I’m not saying it’s my fault either, but why am I pursuing someone who will never let me in? I don’t have to be a superhero and work him out or break through his walls or show him how special I am and then hopefully maybe one day he’ll truly love me back and see my worth. IM TIRED! I honestly can’t be f**ked with it anymore. It hurts. I am hurting myself.
I am seeking in a partner what I always knew as my first male female dynamic. The relationship I had with my dad. And when I was a child he was completely emotionally unavailable. Not at all his fault. He did the best with what he knew. And he is a deep kind thoughtful and intelligent man. And our dynamic is changing. Dad and I are good. I have laid to rest my issues with feeling I didn’t get what I needed back when I was little. So its time for my adult self to catch up. To stop recreating these patterns for my future. All my partners have been either that way inclined or completely obsessive and possessive or combinations of both.
I want someone, yes. And all of the changes that are happening in my world feel like they would be just that little bit more awesome if I had someone to share them with. Love makes the good that much better and everything else seem small. But I don’t have that right now. Well not in a romantic sense. But if I step back from that, it’s so clear how I’m just scared of this next step. This next massive step up that ladder. But when I stop grasping so tightly and I let myself leap I know there is a pure moment awaiting me.
That beautiful moment when you allow a real change into your soul. It’s a moment of pure stillness. A moment in which you can truly appreciate the absolute nothing it brings. The space. The lightness. Where did that heavy energy go? That we hold onto so tightly. Where did it come from? Why did it mean so much to us? Yet now it has simply gone. Shifted. Moved on. Dissipated. Just writing this my focus changed and I felt the energy shift. It simply blows me away with pure gratitude and amazement every time. Where your focus goes, energy flows.
Regardless of whether you consider yourself spiritual or not I would think that has to raise some really interesting questions to ponder. Thoughts are merely suggestions. Emotions are just acting upon those suggestions and beliefs are made for perceived survival.
Yet real living comes when you just let it all go. So breathe Michelle and just say Fuck It!
Leave what is not working behind. Make space for the new. Allow myself to move in the direction that momentum is taking me anyway. Stop kicking and screaming and running back to the real place of hurt out of fear of the unknown. Because let’s be real, I wouldn’t be on this journey if the past worked out for me would I!
Ha! I just giggle snorted. And finally, I feel the light and easy breezy returning. What an amazing journey I am on.
Love and light, Michelle xx
This week I feel like a bit of a raging banshee … I was telling people off left right and centre. Calling people out on anything and everything and at the same time buried inside my seemingly never ending stream of thought. One of the girls I work with even walked up to me on Wednesday and just from nowhere goes “just LET IT GO!” and turned on her heel and walked back off. I just stood there for a second a bit shocked but then called out after her ..”yeah you’re spot on!”
You see I’m usually quiet sweet and a little cheeky and sarcastic but at the same time on the rare (although becoming less so) occasion when I call you out, I’m not joking. I feel it’s a right of passage with people who care about each other and I always take it when it comes back at me. It’s mutual respect. A way we can grow together. If we both chose.
So the first call out came on Sunday after an uncomfortable experience for me on a recent night out. The second at work after some discouraging comments were made and some unsupportive behaviour occured re: my new career direction. But these were all pretty quickly discussed and smoothed over. Everyone was willing to listen to each other’s point of view.
But, with the full moon on Thursday this energy in me PEAKED!!! My day was fine. Quite uneventful in fact. But as it drew to a close and I went to get my babies off their Dad after not seeing them for 2 weeks, one comment from him was all it took for the tide to turn. And no it’s NOT that time of the month. You’d think 2 kids, 2 step kids and 3 serious relationships later he would know better than to think that was the smart thing to say in response to my snapping. Well clearly he didn’t. So when I got the suitcase home and he had put two kids runners full of beach sand on top of all the clothes boy did he cop an abrupt text!
Honestly and not shockingly it had nothing to do with the shoes. Their dad and I are good a majority of the time. In fact our relationship is better now than it’s ever been. Together or apart. So I had to look at why he had set me off. But before I could get to that place of reflection, I wandered into my daughters room to see a friend I had previously let stay who I hadn’t heard from since she left and was pretty upset about, had seemingly been and grabbed some of her stuff whilst I was out with the spare key she still hadn’t given back.
I saw red. It’s such a trigger for me now. To me and where I’m at it is just complete and utter complacency and disrespect for the boundaries I am strongly asserting around myself. Or as I kept writing to everyone NOT OK. And just because I was on the bandwagon my ex copped an earful too about waiting 10 days to get back to me re: a lock code when I locked myself out on New Years Day. Turned out it was an honest mistake and I overstepped the mark. But I was on a roll….
Now I know ideally, I would gather myself figure out exactly what is going on inside and then calmly tell the other party what I need to say. But I didn’t. To me the world was throwing me triggers left right and centre and with everything I’m going through healing wise I am happy I’m learning to stand up for myself. I’m taking my own advice from posts past to not demonise these emotions I am feeling. And the interesting part to me is the ones who love me really, even if they’re on the receiving end are encouraging me to do just that. Speak my truth.
Just last week I acquired and workshopped a new tool in my soul coaching journey. Boundaries and Speaking Your Truth were two of the 12 dimensions. They all play off of each other. Just like life. Just like the complex human form. We have so many elements to our psyche and they are all affected by one another. I could establish boundaries but in order to maintain them I am having to learn to speak my truth. Ideally calmly and assertively. But as with any new skill, no one masters it straight off the bat. So when I perceived earlier that afternoon that baby daddy was pushing my boundaries on flexibility with the kids routine, my defences flew out of my mouth like a fighter jet at war. Further evidence that anyone’s reaction to anything is purely a window into exactly where they are at in themselves at that point in time. Because honestly, what he said wasn’t even that bad now I have had time to digest it.
However, in that moment it triggered my fight or flight. And once I decided to step in the ring I wasn’t leaving it at one opponent. Nope. It takes me a fair bit to get to that place but when I’m there I’m IN it. But you have to understand that in my perception the reason so much of the past abuse has occurred is purely down to my lack of boundaries. Now I have worked so hard to establish those, you threaten them and I essentially feel like you are threatening my survival. And particularly when you’re in your stuff, perception is a funny thing.
So what broke it? It was actually my ex. He diffused me. Acknowledged me, apologised, explained and then made me giggle because he asked me to stop yelling even though it was all via text message. But what I guess I am grateful for was the respect he showed in that moment for my speaking my truth to maintain the integrity of the boundaries I had created between us. Even though I didn’t go about it in the most appropriate way (hence the stop yelling lol) he got it. And if you read this… thank you.
What’s my point? There are so many in this I don’t know what to pin point.
– Go easy on yourself. Your reactions are necessary. But always reflect on your behaviour and feelings. Try to pin point the beliefs behind them.
-Go easy on others. Don’t personalise their reactions to make it your issue. Tell them you love them and you hear them and their feelings are valid. Or just walk away and let it go. It’s not your stuff.
-There is no way the moon cycles do not affect us. No way.
-Those that are supposed to be in your life, in whatever way they are supposed to be in your life, will be.
-I am me. I’m doing the best I can with what I know. I’m proud of where I am at and I won’t apologise for my journey.
And nor should you. And there is always right now to make the choice to be happy, or try again, or let it out, or just BE. No pressure, just loads of self love.
Much love, Michelle xx
So whilst I may not be in any romantic type of relationship right now, the relationship I am having with the universe is at an all time high. We are loving each other. Understanding each other. Communicating. Consulting. Respecting. Nourishing. Spooning. Ok well, maybe not the last bit. Which is lucky because if girls could get that from the universe too, boys could be in big trouble!
But honestly, not even I could for see how this relationship I am having with whatever you deem the higher power to be, would play out. I personally believe in the universe. I believe in energy. But whatever you chose to call it; it’s faith.
So lately, I have noticed signs every where I go and in many things I do. Recurring conversations with completely different people. Number patterns. Answers come to me in meditation that bring me good outcomes to situations. As in anything you do, with awareness and practice it becomes more and more like second nature and you are drawn to what you know. This is a massively amazing thing if you think about it. Its is like that quote “Be the change you want to see.” Once you start acting out on your hopes, dreams and wishes, you automatically immerse yourself in the world you want to create. You create your destiny. You create your reality.
Now this mindset can seemingly piss people right off. I have found that on multiple occasions of late that my belief in the above philosophies and the fact I believe no one is given a dream that they can not fulfil rubs some people right up the wrong way. I was told that it is building people up when not everyone is capable of greatness. I would say everyone has a different idea of what greatness is. And I think a person who believes in themselves, treats themselves and others with compassion and kindness and lives according to their own values and morals is a pretty fucking great human.
Yes ok, not everyone can be a famous movie star or sportsman or barrister or whatever the other “important people” titles these people have stated in their arguments against my beliefs. But from what I have come to know is not everyone wants to be that either. Many billions of souls are not inspired by that. Although when one is living in the land of ego and believe that status, fame, money and material items are whats needed to be happy then they could well think that that is what they indeed want and need in order to be fulfilled. But I bet if you cut through the shit to the core what they really want 11 times out of 10 something entirely different. Like love. Respect. Validation. To be wanted. Acknowledged. Be a part of something. Worthy. It’s not the things itself that drives them. It is all fear based emotions. Now not to say this is true of all people with stuff and status. Just true for the ones who think that the status and stuff alone will be what makes their lives better.
A beautiful example of a fucking great human is this man that comes into the cafe I work at. He has had an accident. He is in a wheelchair and is paralysed down the left side of his body. He is the same age as me. 31 years old. He has two children just like me. Quite confronting a story when I first learnt it all. We now chat every time he comes in. We became friends on social media. And his kindness and the open and loving things he posts bring a tear to my eye every time. He is open. He is compassionate. He is aware. He almost lost his chance to live this life. So unlike those stuck in a fear based mentality he appreciates all of the every day things he gets to experience. Spending time with his boys. His friends and family. And his passion of cars. Not ironically the reason he has had these experiences. And yet he still loves cars. Because he knows if this didn’t happen then he wouldn’t understand that to him greatness means being alive and present with all the people that he loves and cares for. So while clearly he won’t be a movie star or an athlete or anything of that nature, he has started a group for young individuals like himself to be part of and go through the healing journey together. Alongside some hotted up cars of course. And he always states without a doubt he has found his purpose. His niche. His genius zone.
I find this so beautiful and inspiring. And I honestly believe that when you are open and aware and a dream or vision comes to you, it is a message directed to you from a higher power. It is your soul purpose or one of the equally important steps you need to undertake in order to re-align with the soul. Whatever it is. It is your little niche. And it certainly doesn’t need to be validated or understood by anyone else. May I ask why we can be so quick to cut people down when they express their hopes and dreams rather than encouraging them to try and building them up? Just because you don’t understand something DOES NOT MAKE IT WRONG. It just means it isn’t right for you at that point in time.
So next time someone says they a going to give something a go, try resist the urge to knock the wind out to them. Be a good human. Build people up. Because I see through it. It is your own fears that lead you to have that response. Take a step back and ask yourself why someone else’s success and happiness threatens you and your beliefs?
We are all worthy and capable of greatness. END OF.
Much love, Michelle xxx
I crack me up. I have had some time over the last few days to reflect on the year that was and whats to come and for the first time ever, I read back through this whole blog. Wow, I have come such a long way in such a short time. The bit that made me laugh was how obvious the cycle of my repeating thought patterns is. And that last one where I was all like “ I will rise to the challenge of going home and facing certain dynamics and reactions” …Yeah that didn’t play out quite the way I had imagined.
In some ways being on the other side of the country to everyone from my past has it’s benefits. I am not consistently put into situations that make me face what was. However, when you do go back, boy oh boy does that shit feel AMPLIFIED. Particularly when you are making such massive shifts and you all have to figure out the new dance steps. Don’t get me wrong, my family were amazing and I am so happy I got to spend time with them but it brought everything to the forefront of my mind. My conscious state is at a level of awareness that my brain has decided now is the time to deal and heal.
My therapist explained this phenomenon to me in regard to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When she first got me to open up regarding some of the painful past experiences, namely the physical, sexual and emotional abuse, my body could not cope and it was like an out of body experience. I shut down. I couldn’t focus on her or what she was saying or to stop myself bawling and shaking. It was quite frightening. Because I was accessing memories that I had repressed. I needed to repress at the time as I wasn’t ready to deal. I was in survival mode. But bringing it all back in that moment, my mind believed it was happening again and I couldn’t cope. This was some months ago and slowly I am able to breathe and talk some of it through. Very slowly. Some sessions I go in and talk about other things as my conscious state at that moment in time is not in a place to release the trauma. Bless her heart she just allows it. An amazing therapist, she knows when to prod and when to allow me to go.
So knowing where I am right now in my healing process, I decided before I left I was going to do a little self healing whist I was there. I wanted to bring things to the surface to look at, feel, and essentially when the time is right – let go for good. Namely, confront some places that I had tried to pretend no longer existed. There were three places I felt I had to go. One was the site where I lost someone dear to me. Loss and abandonment are big triggers for negative thinking for me. One was a house in which my first long term boyfriend had broken my spirit and trust in him for the first time – and many times after that – and the last was a place where a majority of the sexual abuse occurred. I couldn’t quite bring myself to go there directly so I sat on the beach below and meditated.
After some time, I opened my eyes to watch the waves crashing on the rock face. Every set got bigger and as the salt water sprayed my face and body, I imagined that all the sadness and pain was being washed away. I know the fear and sadness is still there but it is time to deal with it head on now. I often speak like it happened to someone else. Or preface everything with a “but I’m fine” or whatever. Truth is, I feel like I am only truly dealing with it all now. And it will take time. But I am here for me now like never before.
So then I looked up the beach. I spent many many days of my life hanging on this very beach. I could see my high school. Great memories for the days when I attended. Best canteen food ever! I could see where I was taken to the police station for wagging and drinking on the last day of year nine. (Funny in hindsight – well even at the time except to my parents). I could see where my friends and I would go skinny dipping. I could see where my friend had her beautiful wedding photos taken. I remembered how my friends and I would spend hours just lazying around, riding our pushies, swimming, gossiping, walking from party to party and just being teenage girls experiencing life together. These are the type of memories I want to focus on when I think of this spot. Where my focus goes, energy flows.
So I decided to spend New Years on my own this year. Bit of a self challenge I guess. But I wanted to wake up fresh and clear. Exercise and look after me and my inner child. She has been at the forefront of everything I am doing now. So as the clock past midnight, I lay in bed. And I began to speak to my little Michelle. I may sound crazy but it all seemed really normal. I apologised for not being there for her. For abandoning her when she needed me most. For masking her pain and fear with drugs and parties and silly dramas just to avoid what I really needed to look at. And from somewhere deep inside me two fat tears welled up and ran down my face. She needed to know that. And we both felt a great sense of relief.
So even though already 2017 hasn’t been smooth sailing – I lost my bank cards (worst time of year to do that), locked myself out of my house and seem to have a bit of a cold – I remain in the state of mind that this year can be nothing but an improvement on the past. As I am here for me. And I am already setting it up as a year to remember. I am taking MASSIVE IMPERFECT ACTION and launching my website. Well as soon as the ban gets lifted from my domain because I forgot to verify it. HAHAHAHA me and technology. We are slowly building a relationship but it’s a slow journey. But it’s ready to go and will be up in the next 24-36 hours according to WHOIS.
So as I sat here writing this blog. I decided to pull me an Oracle Card surrounding my next step. The website. I pulled DIRECTION. This is what it meant.
DIRECTION: Life’s Path / Moving Forward / A New Approach
Everyone feels foggy, lost or stuck at some point in their life. Hitting a crossroads can be confusing. This card reminds you that the path you are on is the right one. There is something positive and new on the horizon even if you can’t see it yet. You are divinely guided to move forward with a situation – even if it means taking a new approach concerning one aspect of your life. Trust that you are where you are meant to be on life’s path.
And trust I do.
Love and light
Much love, Michelle xx
Music is life. So many of my favourite and most imprinted memories have strong ties to a song or soundtrack. It is amazing how you can be anywhere, at any stage in your life, and a song will come on and it transports you right back to that event, that kiss, that night, that concert. Whatever it was. Whoever I was with. For a couple of minutes, it’s like I never left. I get lost in it. Especially a great love song or ballad. Just ask the guy who busted me in my car the other day.
A few blocks from home, waiting at the lights, I was full blown belting it out. Sexy Love by Neyo. Tune. And his dance moves … WOW! Anyway, I am talking eyes closed, one fist on the heart, one hand up in the air; yeah – really going for it. I opened my eyes to see if the lights were green but instead caught the eyes of a bystander. Instantly I was fire engine red. I am definitely a blusher and on top of him catching me out, he was adorable! And applauding and yelling out not to stop. Let me tell you, that was the LONGEST red light of my life.
Anyway, also the longest introduction ever! My point was going to be, that this week I will post this from my Mum and Dads house in sunny Western Australia and for that I am BEYOND grateful. A trip home was long overdue. And that every year before I head home, this tune magically or ironically starts coming up in my life. In the shops, on the radio, in movies. I love little things like this about life:)
Coming home this year has brought up a lot for me. I am in such a better place than this time last year. I have beautiful people in my life. I have my health. Two happy children and multiple exciting career opportunities. There is so many exciting things I get to share with all my loved ones back home. But there is also part of me that is a little bit nervous. And I am trying to work out why.
I really blew the lid off life in the last two years. All my stuff culminated into a series of pretty major events. I piled a life time of drama and growth into it and I am so proud of myself for where I have got to. For what I have overcome. But now that I am out the other side and coherent and no longer timid and fragile, I am pretty sure the questions are going to fly. Basically Michelle, ‘What the f**k happened!?’ And now as my new always, I will be honest and tell. These days, I am happy to share my story. It helps me be true and honest with myself and grow. If it helps others to share or learn some lessons too then that’s a massive extra bonus.
Hmmm. So It’s not that.
Maybe I am nervous that being back in that environment will test my growth. Most of our life lessons come from responses, dynamics and reactions we create in that early environment. No one can push your buttons like family after all. But no, that didn’t resonate either. I rise to a challenge and I love my family even when they drive me nuts. The tests will be beneficial for me. Help me to rectify any dynamics and responses that no longer serve me. And you can’t go backwards. Once you shift your awareness, your eyes are open. And even though going back to ignorance can sometimes seem like the easier option, your soul will eventually and always seek the truth.
So what is it this time, I keep trying to work out. And then I remembered another big part of my old life that I miss very much. My first spiritual teacher. Just like the timely playing of my going home track, his name randomly popped up on my LinkedIn account earlier this week and I got very nostalgic. An amazing man that I partially owe my awakening to. And even though at that stage of my life I wasn’t entirely ready to take on the teachings on a soul level, many of his words still permeate my thoughts. And some of those words were; ‘Every one of us quakes at the door’ (of release and change). Regardless of status, age, gender, occupation, culture, whatever; we all have fear arise when the opportunity of change presents itself and we’re at a high enough level of consciousness in which we can choose to walk through the shift.
And as that popped into my mind I realised I was nervous as I am trying to intellectualise the situation. By focusing on what may or may not happen? Will I still fit in? Will they get me? Will they be proud of me? Blah blah blah. And as I wrote that, another lightbulb. Within those three questions that I just wrote… In lies my deepest fears. Will I be part of it? Am I enough? Amazing! I just schooled myself right there:)
And it is in this journey now that I realise the true meaning of the next thing he used to say as someone would walk through the lens of fear and embrace change and growth…
‘Thank you for your time. Thank you for your trust. Thank you for your courage.’
For stepping through the door of change takes great courage, trust and diligence. But it is in taking that leap that the true wonders of life lie. In the little things. And as I sit here on the plane home, I glance to my left and see my amazing son watching in awe at a nature documentary. To my right, my beautiful daughter cackling away to a Tom and Jerry classic. And I know in my heart, how wondrous life is and how unbelievably blessed I am.
Breathe in your blessings this festive period. There is always something to be grateful for. Appreciate it. As change is inevitable. Make it easier on yourself by embracing the journey. Stop kicking and screaming. Be a part of it. Acknowledge your fears but don’t let them rule you.
Live the life you want. Live the life you deserve.
Much love, Michelle xxx
Let me set the scene… It’s Saturday night. Yep arguably the most sociable night of the week. I’m on the couch, Nanna blanket draped over my lap. Lap top open. A cheesy in the best kind of way movie – Shall We Dance? – is on in the background. And even though I am only watching intermittently, I’ve still managed to get teary a couple of times. HA!
The me of not that long ago would’ve found this sad. I mean the kids are off at their dads place and I choose to spend my night like this. But truth is, Im loving it. And there is so much to be said for being happy and content in your own company. This is another massive shift for me. No numbing substances in sight – well accept the tv and lap top in this instance – but I am more and more finding I don’t even turn the tv on after the kids go to sleep. I am happy to do yoga, meditate, sit quietly, have a bath or work on things that are bringing me toward the life I want to live. Life is too short to waste precious moments I am finally realising.
So what is my point? I am alone. But I in no way feel lonely. Hallelujah!!
The only thing I have ever found harder than being alone and feeling lonely is when you are indeed with someone but you still FEEL lonely. Misunderstood. Misinterpreted. Now that is a heartbreaking kind of lonely.
So when I brought up what changes had been occurring in my life to my psychotherapist this week more stuff came to the surface. I was reflecting on how my day to day circle is getting a little smaller due to not everyone being comfortable with the new boundaries I am creating for my own self worth.
So we celebrated my strength. Then, these funny things seem to happen in these psychotherapy sessions. One minute I am sitting there going yeah how awesome am I?! All strong with my boundaries and shit! Then she simply asked me, so how do you feel about this new phase where maybe your close circle is getting smaller? And without any hesitation or thinking the word ‘LONELY’ came flying out of my mouth. Ahhhhh ok. Weird bloody creatures we are. Even though I am completely aware that all the actions I have taken to stand up for myself were valid and necessary for my growth journey, I was longing for what was. Even though the people, places or situations did not serve me, would I prefer to be back in the negatives just so I didn’t feel lonely? Hmmmm. Something to ponder.
I have thought over the years and I am sure you have probably seen it in either others relationships or possibly your own, in which you know that someone is wrong for you but you stay anyway out of all the fears that come with the idea of walking away from a situation that isn’t working for you. Whatever they may be. Fear of being alone. Fear of change. Losing friendships. Financial difficulties. Not feeling like you would find someone else. Or what I believe my deep underlying angle has been in the past. If I am alone I have no choice but to focus solely on me and my issues. No distractions. No ability to project. Its all my stuff.
I went to bed after I wrote that. Now it’s beautiful Sunday. My favourite day of the week. Everyone is in downtime mode. Taking in the day and the vibe and appreciating whatever it is that they have chosen to do. I went for a walk and had breakfast with some girlfriends and now I am back to me time. A smoothie and some WIFI at my fave local cafe. And some time to reflect again on the words of wisdom that my therapist shared with me.
Loneliness is not a thing in it’s entirety. A bit like the umbrella term ‘stress’ that we as a western society have created. You can be alone as in you are the only individual in the space you are, but we are never lonely. She encouraged me to look at the what feelings actually come up for me when I am feeling lonely. Like what is it really? Or when does it happen? ‘Because Michelle, the universe is one big bubble. It is one. We should never be lonely as we are never truly alone. Sometimes disconnected or fearful, but never alone. There is never this little void in which the universe puts you and says, “Hi Michelle down there in your own little isolated void”‘.
And as she acted out being the universe waving down to me all on my own outside the universal bubble, I couldn’t help but crack up. She is a real character. And she is 100% right. We are all one.
So next she says, ‘So what is it behind the emotions – that YOU HAVE CHOSEN to attach yourself to – that you seek?’
And once again without hesitation or thinking I said ‘Connection to myself.’
And there is the answer in a nutshell. If you ever feel lonely, look inward. Connect to you. Be honest. What is it that you need in that moment? In your life? The answer may surprise you. Mine have.
I used to insert myself into others issues. Start a fight with a partner. Use drugs and alcohol to numb. Shop for stuff I didn’t need. All to fill this imaginary void. I am in no way against any of those actions. They have their place when they are coming from a content heart and mindset. Not from a place of fear.
But when I look at it what I need and now crave, is time and space to nourish me. Time to dream. Time to take action to obtaining my goals and making my dreams come true. And I don’t feel the need to distract myself from my life right now. I guess this means I am content.
And fuck that feels so good.
So don’t feel lonely. I am right here with you.In fact, we all are.
Love and light, Michelle xx
This weeks learning curve has been STEEP!!
I am many things. I am awesome. I am a dreamer. A people person. A healer. A mother. A lover. A comedian. Well you get it. The list goes on….
The one thing I am not – yet – is tech savvy. I say yet as I am a determined little soul and I like to at least give it a shot. Oh and for the 1 billionth time… I am NOT a robot!! Weird world we live in where I have to answer that question multiple times daily 😉
So I have thrown myself into the deep end here, in very unfamiliar territory. In a world of widgets and plug-ins and stock photos and cookies – not the good kind – slugs and more acronyms than I care to remember. And it is as crazy as a three year olds birthday party after the piñata has exploded.
I realise at 31 years of age, I was indeed part of the generation of tech savvy children. However, growing up in country Western Australia, I like to joke I technically was approximately 10 years behind the rest of the western world and therefore I am more like a 41 year old. This holds true for some of my jokes, terminology and music choices; but when many grandparents are indeed better versed at this than I, I think my excuses are running out fast.
So here I am, doggy paddling around looking for the ladder so I can exit the water before I drown. Sometimes seemingly going around and around and around in circles never really getting to the destination I had in mind. This type of thing could send me into meltdown. I am talking good old fashioned melt down. Whereby I can see my smaller child self getting ready to stamp her foot and scream for MUUUUUUMMMMMMM!!! Lol bad idea. Probably the only person on the planet less up with this stuff than I. (Love you Mumma – I am definitely your daughter!)
So instead I thought, I need to put this into perspective. Am I going to die from this? No. So why am I so attached to the outcome? Well there is the loaded question…
I am creating my website. All of my new adventures are coming together so I can channel my energy in the forward direction. It has been a huge couple of weeks for me and I have a fire in my belly like never before. I have completed even more Reiki healing courses and have committed to exploring Pellowah – yet another modality for energy healing. Its such an amazing world I have stepped into. You can really see the possibilities only end where your imagination does. So yeah, I definitely now believe in my vision and my ability to achieve it. And I have got to a place in which I feel like WHY NOT!?
How many of us have a dream? An ideal scenario for our lifetime? In any or every area of your life. But we let the fear stop us from going after it. What will people think? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if it is hard? What if it doesn’t work out exactly as I planned? What if, what if, what IF???
All driven by fear. So I decided at this point in time. Who gives a shit?! What if any of those things happen. This journey is about me and the relationship I have with myself and where I am sitting, it would be a disservice to myself if I didn’t give it a shot. Because what’s the alternative?
Always wondering what could have been if I trusted myself and my souls journey and just gave it a go?
So in answer to all my above fears and excuses… What others think essentially is irrelevant – The ones I want around me will be supportive; It is only failure if I don’t try; If – no, not if but when – I succeed again, the people that should be there will be; Of course it will be hard at times – all things that are worth having take time, love, patience and effort; I choose to trust that everything will work out exactly as it should. I choose to no longer be ruled by fear.
~ What if I fall? But Darling, what if you fly?
And fly I will. If you feel inclined pop up to the menu bar and select the SOULBOUND dropdown. Another little adventure I have decided to undertake to broaden my horizons and find my own personal niche in this amazing shift that is taking place in the world.I am so excited to be a part of a change that encourages people to be true to themselves. To be free.
But whatever your desires, I am curious to know if you are living them out in some way to fulfil your soul? To make your heart sing. To you believe in you and your ability to have the life you dream of?
I believe in you. Fear gets you nowhere. It keeps you stuck. Faith and belief is where its at:)
Much love, Michelle xxx
Although admittedly my moments of self doubt are becoming rarer, occasionally I ponder whether I am cut out for this. Not from an ability point of veiw as I have previously discussed but because of how I percieve how people in this industry and lifestyle “should” be. It’s a dangerous word that word should. So many limitations to it.
I guess it is stereotyping in a way. Well that’s a commonly understood way to maybe explain some of what I’m talking about. So this is my attempt to decipher my thoughts in writing. Here goes…
I’m cheeky. I’m a bit wild at times. I love a good dance on a night out. I mean this Friday just gone if you were lucky enough to be down at the Imperial on Chapel St you could’ve witnessed my epic break dancing moves. Well ok, maybe just hilarious, but I’m trying to paint a picture.
I love adrenalin. I love concerts. I love loud music. I even listened to heavy metal a lot growing up and can still recite lyrics to Pantera and White Zombie songs. I like crude jokes and I swear a lot more than my mum likes. I have been in the back of a police car 3 times. I have foot in mouth disease. I have been known to drop the classic Australian proverb ‘nice indicator dickhead’ on the road. I don’t always treat my body like a temple. Or my mind for that matter. I still watch reality tv on occasion and I don’t always meditate or do my affirmations daily.
Surely, I have wondered, these are not all traits of someone going into this. I mean I need to lead by example. Practice what I preach and all that. Or as my friends in corporate roles speak of; develop ‘my brand’. And in this day in age, to an extent this is so valid. But it also kind of goes against everything I am currently developing within myself. The I’m going to be myself and be true to me, regardless of percieved consequences and others opinions of me road that I’m on – without the fuck you of course. More live and let live.
Basically, I am realising this is a small road block in my journey of ego dissolution. In a world very driven by ego and fear, I need to find the line between alienating myself by causing these fears to rise in people and being able to express my purpose in a way people can relate to.
The way it seems to me is we have forgotten to let ourselves be human to an extent. Fear is a normal thing to feel but when it has gotten to the level like now in which many are driven by it, it has become somewhat of an epidemic.
Fears and limiting beliefs are embedded into us from day dot. Often without us even realising. Its often a series of small events that slowly pull us away from the soul. Until we are of a high enough awareness or consciousness to take a look at the belief to actually see if it is indeed worthy of holding any weight on our thoughts, actions, beliefs and emotions.
This weekend someone said one the nicest thing to me I think I have ever been told. It was a guy I run into from time to time and we always have a good chat and a laugh but on this night he turned to me a said…
‘You know you speak of energy; that’s what I’ve always thought about you. You can feel when you have entered the room. The whole place just lights up. It just makes me smile’…
I was blown away. And in that moment, as parts of my ego ballooned (who doesn’t love a compliment) I also realised I appreciated this one on a soul level. For someone to not mention my physical form at all but rather the energy I bring forward and the feeling that leaves them with, was someone verbalising one of my life goals. As I believe that is my purpose. To share my light with the world. And he felt that regardless of anything else about me, my past, my hobbies, my beliefs and lifestyle. All of which are quite different to mine.
So if I think about it, it is this exact fact that makes me cut out for this. I am relatable. It is my experiences that have brought me to this place. And I am continuously equally grateful and intrigued by the beautiful souls I am encountering along the way. I’m growing to. I am on this journey also. Whilst I will guide people, I will be in the process right along side them. That will make us all feel like we are not alone in this.It will add to the power. That is the unbelievably awesome thing about this journey I am going through and am starting to share. And I will continue to grow. We can all learn from each other. You can be into whatever you want. Do whatever you want. Live and work wherever you want. Drive whatever you want. Be whatever background, culture or religion you choose. In fact you are encouraged to be whatever flavour you want to be. As long as it’s true to you, it will taste delicious! And as long as those choices feed your souls wants, needs and desires and not your ego.
Also without judgement of how others choose to do it. If everyone loved choc chip mint flavoured ice-cream how boring this world would be. Celebrate difference. It is in opening your mind and heart to differences that breeds acceptance, understanding and love. Just because something is right for you, doesn’t make it right for someone else.
So my task is to carry this forward into the next. Completely discard my opinions and false beliefs on how anyone in any role “should” behave. We all need to stop and adjust our halo from time to time. Without that, we wouldn’t be the amazing, interesting, evolving and diverse creatures that we are.
Keep on spreading your individual light on the world. Without fear. Because the ones that are supposed to get you will.And love and acceptance is all we need to fulfil any internal goal ever written.
Much love, Michelle xx